Tuesday 31 March 2020

A Guinea Party

A couple of days ago I was invited at my boss's house out in the country for "a little bite to eat and a drink", as he called it.

He lives in one of those big mansions that posh people have, you know, just like the one where Theodore Luxton-Joyce lives. (NOTE: Thank you Martha for your lovely AMAZON Review of this book. Readers - please click on Theodore Luxton-Joyce to read this wonderful Review. Martha's Blog is highly recommended - CLICK HERE).

He had invited a number of people from work as well as a few of his friends and golf-playing pals and a number of people from his gentleman's club. It was mainly a stand-up affair where everyone stands in this large room mingling and talking whilst a multitude of waitresses come round offering you hors d'oeuvre, canapés and small little bites you would not give your dog; and a number of waiters offer you various drinks, mainly alcoholic rather than a good pint of lemonade, or a cup of tea.

Anyway, I had been invited and it was not the kind of invitation you would turn down. More a three-line whip as they say in political circles. 

As it happens, just before I set off from my office I got a phone call: "Could you pick up Bertie the guinea pig from the vet please? ... Please ... Pretty please ... We'll be ever so grateful for the rest of the year ... Please!!!"

Why can't they pick up their own stupid pets? Anyway, at the vets the nurse said that Bertie was still a little sleepy from the anaesthetic and will be so for the rest of the day. Have I got his little carrying cage?

Have I heck? I said yes and took the little creature and put him in my brief case to keep him warm.

At the party, whilst everyone was mingling and being ever so polite and upper-class, don't you know, what? Jolly good old chap. And all that. Someone noticed my sleeping Bertie walk along the wall. He must have woken up and got out of my case when I went to fetch the Marketing Report for my boss and forgot to close the case again. 

Now normally, any sane person would have said there's a guinea pig about.

Just point at the creature and say: "By Jove, there's a most magnificent specimen of the guinea pig variety, don't you know ... what?" Now isn't that something you have often said at parties?

But NOOOO. On this occasion some idiot from the golf club said: "There's a rat here, a damn big rat!"

"A rat?"

"Yes ... a rat!"

"Where?"

"Over there!"

"Where over there?"

"It was there. He's now gone over there I think ..."

"A big fat ugly rat ..."

"It's now ran over there ... look out ... he might bite!"

"Rats carry the platonic plague, you know ..."

"Yes, it's in their teeth. One bite and you're a gonna!"

"I don't want it to tear my 15 Denier nylon stockings ..."

"Don't be silly, man. Why are you wearing nylon stockings anyway?"

"Because I couldn't buy nylon tights to fit me!"

"Over there ... I've seen the rat over there ... it's big and furry ..."

Pretty soon there was pandemonium in that room. My boss's wife was mortified as well as mummified at the thought of having rodents in her house. 

"We don't have rats in this house, have we Luis?" she asked her husband.

"No ... there's quite a few at work though ..." he replied referring to his employees.

Everyone was running here there and everywhere in no particular direction trying to avoid and escape a non-existent rat who happened to be my sleeping Bertie taking a walk. 

Women, including the waitresses in their mini skirts, suddenly jumped on top of chairs, sofas, armchairs or whatever furniture of height, like the table at the end of the room, and held their skirts and dresses up high showing off their un-mentionables. I really did not realise there were that many varieties of underpants for the ladies.

What is it with you ladies? What is the point of standing on a chair with your skirt held up high? Do you think the rat, or any other creature, would climb up your legs? The very sight of you screaming would most probably send him to apoplexy.

I noticed there was even a wimp of a man standing on a chair and holding tight to a young waitress. On second thoughts, maybe he was taking advantage of the situation.

The butler came in with an assistant and tried to find the rat and kill it with a heavy shovel in his hand.

Luckily, I noticed Bertie cowering in the corner just by the grand-father clock. I quickly bent down, picked him up and put him in my trouser pocket. The stupid animal thanked me for saving him from certain death by biting my finger and whatever else he found in my pocket. He then proceeded to tumble and somersault in my pocket in a most embarrassing display which I wouldn't want you to imagine right now!!!

Luckily, no one saw him or his acrobatics in my trouser pocket. And the rat was not found or seen ever again.

The party continued in a most subdued manner, and I noticed no one was eating the hors d'oeuvre.

22 comments:

  1. I am officially distracted from anything I was previously thinking... I suppose a thank you is in order.

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    1. It is good to be distracted every now and then, Ryan. Keep smiling my friend.

      God bless.

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  2. Well, i certainly hope Bertie has recovered from being dragged to such a party in his condition.

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    1. Yes, he is doing fine, Mimi. Which is more than I can say for my boss and his wife.

      God bless you.

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  3. Poor Bertie! :) And I was more than happy to leave that review, Victor, and I do appreciate you sharing the link to my blog. As I said, I do need to go back on Amazon to review a few more of your wonderful books!
    Blessings!

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    1. You're very kind, Martha. I very much appreciate your support and encouragement. Hope you are keeping well and smiling.

      God bless always.

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  4. Laughed then … and now, as well. Bertie's time in the spotlight is well deserving of a rerun!

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    1. It's good to see you smiling, Mevely. Laughing even. We need laughter in this world. Chocolate too. I can't decide which is best.

      God bless, Mevely.

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  5. LOL, at least Bertie evaded the shovel. :)

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  6. Now Bertie has an adventure to talk about. : )

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  7. LoL!!! You sure know how to kick start a party Victor.
    Moral of the story...stop sucking up to the boss and don't keep live hairy things in your pants pocket 😀

    God Bless You Victor 💮

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    1. I really did not want to pick the creature from the vet, Jan. But I guess I am a good person really; so I did.

      God bless you my friend.

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  8. Those people have no sense of humor! So happy you and Bertie survived that boring party, Victor:)

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    1. It really is so nice to see you visiting here again Chris. Thank you. I hope you and yours are keeping well.

      God bless.

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  9. Most excellent and so funny. I have my own "Bertie" story which is true!! It was a reminder of one of my most embarrassing moments. I will share the story on a post soon called "Pull up a Chair ~ It's story time!

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    1. Looking forward to it, Wanda. I love to hear peoples' personal stories.

      God bless always.

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  10. You're lucky he didn't bite some other thing around your trouser pocket. ;)

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    1. No comment on that, Manny. It really is great to see you visiting again. Please call again soon.

      God bless you and yours.

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