Go away and leave me in peace

Why is it that one thing happens after the other in a seemingly endless continuum into infinity with the express end result of irritating me? Why can't people leave me alone in peace?

It started this morning. Got an e-mail from one of those courier companies saying the item I bought on the Internet will be delivered today between 2:00 and 6:00. 

Great ... that's four hours that I have to sit and wait. Can't go out. Can't do any gardening in case they arrive and I don't hear the doorbell. Can't go climb Mount Everest, or visit the Seven Wonders of the World, or go to the bathroom or anything else in case they arrive in this four hours window. The rest of the family is out for the day, and I have to stay indoors and listen for the doorbell.

Eventually they deliver. Moments later they send another e-mail saying the item was delivered successfully. Surprisingly, they have a photo of me receiving the item on my doorstep. Obviouly, the courier holding his cell-phone took a photo of me at the time.

Is that legal? 

Let that be a lesson to all those people who open the door in the nude. It happened to me several times when I was a door-to-door salesman selling doors. Ladies used to open the door in all manners of nakedness. I may not have had a cell-phone at the time but my memory is still fresh! I keep it so!!!

Anyway, after the courier came and went, I got up the ladder to fix the smoke alarm which started going Beep ... Beep ... Beep ... indicating it was running out of power. As I was up there by the high ceiling the doorbell rang again. I was not expecting anyone. I ignored it. It rang again. I ignored it once more. There was a knock at the door. I tried to get down the ladder, missed a step, fell to the ground with the ladder on top of me.

The smoke alarm fell down on my head and rolled under a cupboard still going Beep ... Beep ... Beep ... I was dazed for a moment or two. The sound of the alarm upset the dog who came running in and licked my face. I hate that. What is it with dogs licking faces after they've licked their private parts? What if we humans did that? Can you imagine? Licking peoples' faces instead of a shake-hand?

As I lay there, the doorbell rang again. Then the phone rang. I tried to lift myself off the ground. My back really hurt. Then the cell-phone rang also. 

I ignored both and opened the door. It was an old friend of ours. Mrs Fulton. She is in her eighties. She brought some biscuits she had just baked. I hate her biscuits even more that being licked in the face by a dog. They are hard and no one likes them. Except the dog.

"Are you OK?" she asked, "I heard a loud noise ... were you in the shower?"

"No I wasn't," I growled with a smile, "why do you ask?"

"Because the last time I came you had an inflatable rubber ring in your hand and you were all wet!" she replied with a genuine smile. Unlike mine.

"The last time," I said a little calmly, "I had a rubber ring because I was out in the garden picking up toys and bits and pieces left after a party we just had. I was wet because in order to answer the door quickly I slipped and fell into a paddling pool!"

"I heard a loud noise," she said, "it sounded as if someone fell off a ladder. Was that you?"

"Yes ... it was," I said politely, "I make it a habit to jump off ladders whenever someone rings the doorbell. I'd been up there hours waiting for someone to call."

"I also phoned you," she continued having missed my sarcasm, "both on your home phone and your cell-phone. I also wrote you a note. Here it is. It says: Are you all right? I was going to post it through the letter box and call again tomorrow!"

That is typical of her demented albeit well-meaning brain. Post a letter asking if the person is OK and call again the next day. In the meantime I could be lying there on the ground having my face licked by an equally stupid dog.

I thanked her for the biscuits. Hugged her and kissed her on both cheeks and sent her away happy for her good deed.

The dog enjoyed the biscuits then licked himself clean.