Share my Thoughts

 

I was sitting there in front of the TV. There was nothing on except dust on the screen. When I mentioned it to my wife she threw a dust cloth at me and gave me the silent treatment. I closed my eyes and started thinking, or continued thinking ... I seem to be doing it all the time these days.

We'd been to a restaurant the previous evening and we had calamari. That's squid not octopus.  

I thought, if I were an octopus I'd be able to slap eight stupid people at a time. Or hug one person tenderly.

There are plenty of stupid people these days. I wish we could export stupidity and make a fortune. 

My train of thoughts moved on from octopus to slugs. Do you realise that a slug is a naked snail? Why do people eat snails and not slugs? What's the difference with a bit of garlic sauce? With some vegetables on the side.

If you were to sit in a  hot bath with a lot of carrots, peas and other vegetables would you be in a right stew, I wonder?

What is the difference between a stew and a hot pot. Or a casserole?

What is the difference between a pot and a pan? 

Do people go to nudist camps to air their differences?

How did Adam and Eve know that they were naked? And how did they know which bits to cover? What if they had covered their elbows or knees? Can you imagine ... if they had covered their knees, today we would all be going round naked with knee-high socks. What a spectacle that would make! 

And how about that snake? If I were naked outdoors and met a talking snake I'd be afraid he might bite my bottom, not engage in a conversation with him. 

Why does my mind jump from one subject to another, sometimes related sometimes totally unrelated? Like the sky for instance. You can see the sun and the stars. They are things hanging up there. So are clouds. But what is the sky?

Is it a thing, or a reflection of the earth, the oceans, or whatever else? If it is a reflection, then what is it reflected on? Is there a mirror up there in outer space reflecting the seas and oceans?

I think it is time for me to have another drink of whisky. 

And it is time for you to invite friends to join Time for Reflections. I am told it is a great Blog. 

Have you noticed Lazarus?

 

“There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

“The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

“But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’ Luke 16:19-31.

Let us get one thing clear from the start about this parable. Jesus is not talking against riches and being rich. There is nothing wrong in working hard and getting a fortune and living well even. 

In this parable Jesus is condemning indifference. Not caring of what and who is around you. In this story Lazarus was a poor beggar at the rich man's gate; yet the rich man did not even care about him. He must have seen him umpteen times as he got in and out and yet he ignored him.

Sideline Note: The name Lazarus is a Latinized version of the Greek name Lazaros, which is derived from the Hebrew name Eleazar (אלעזר)  and means "God has helped" or "God helps". So in this parable Jesus is hinting strongly that the poor man will be helped by God.

Another thing to note is that Abraham, to whom Lazarus was taken, was himself a very rich man. In today's modern terms the man would have been a billionaire. Those hearing this parable would have understood this. Jesus was not against wealth, (like Abraham's), but was condemning the rich man's attitude towards the poor man at his gate.

Have we got a Lazarus at our gate? Someone we have noticed and don't much care about? 

No matter whether we are materially rich, or well off in other ways like talents, spare time, good health, education, or whatever else; there is always someone who would benefit from our good fortune if only we shared it with them.

We don't have to look too far. Lazarus is there just beside you.

Prayers please ...

 

PRAY MORE

PRAY BETTER 

Just before He was arrested, Jesus prayed for His disciples. Then He prayed for us – yes, you and me. He said:

“I pray not only for them, (the disciples), but also for those who believe in me because of their message. I pray that they may all be one. Father! May they be in us, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they be one, so that the world will believe that you sent me.” John 17: 20-21.

Does anyone think that they pray too much? That perhaps they are giving God a headache? That with over 7 billion peoples on earth yours seem to be the most prayers in His in-tray to deal with? That He is spending 99% of His time listening to you rather than the other people on earth? That perhaps you should let up a bit and pray less?

God never gets tired of hearing our prayers. Whether they are one's we have learnt like the Lord's Prayer, or just conversations and lists of demands or requests, God is always listening. He likes to hear from us; just like any good parent likes to hear from their children and how they are doing in life. He knows how we're doing, of course; but He likes to hear from us as well.

He also likes to hear us praying for others. Prayers are the greatest gifts we can give each other. It shows generosity of spirit, it shows caring, and it shows love on our part for someone else.

When someone is talking with you about their health, works problems, marital difficulties or whatever else; just say a silent prayer. Without them knowing about it. Hand their situation to God and trust Him to deal with it in His way and time.

When you see on TV a politician, especially one you disagree with, pray for them. Pray that they may find God in their lives and follow Christ's way, truth and light. Also, when you see celebrities on TV deriding and mocking Christianity and promoting a secular way of life; pray for them too that they may experience the love of Christ. 

God sends many opportunities in our lives to pray for one another. Whether it is for a relative, a friend, acquaintance or someone you don't know and you see on TV or social media; let us pray for them and their situations. A prayer un-said is an opportunity missed. How do you think God feels about that?

The world is in turmoil right now. Whether on an individual basis, as a family, a nation or globally. There are many needs for prayers.

SUGGESTION: Every day, ask God to send you someone you can help. I did. He took me seriously and now I am inundated with people needing my help. 

PRAY MORE

PRAY BETTER 

Up-Grading in Pets

 

When I was young my parents took me to a falconry display. You might have seen them on TV. The trainer puts his arm out as a perch and he has a falcon or owl on it. He commands it to fly to the trees and then calls it back by tempting it with a morsel of raw meat.

The trainer called me forward and he tried it with a small bird. It was an owl. I was so impressed that I wanted to have my own bird pet.

I wanted to train a swan to fly on my arm at my command.

My parents tried to discourage me to go for such a big bird but at the same time they did not want to dampen my spirits. I suppose it was good-parenting in a way.

They suggested I start with a small pet and slowly up-grade or graduate from there.

My first pet was an earwig. I kept it in a jam jar. The earwig is a nocturnal insect so it did not do much in the day time. It eats dead plant and animal matter. So I put a leaf there with it. Earwigs hide in damp, dark places during the day, so I gave it a moist piece of cloth. But it is useless at flying.

When I balanced the jam jar on my arm it fell and broke into million pieces. Luckily I was outside at the time. My parents patiently cleared up the broken glass but we never found the earwig.

My second pet was a mouse. I kept him in a glass tank. Because the glass tank was too big and heavy to balance on my outstretched arm, I took the mouse out in the garden and balanced him on my arm. He fell and ran into the bushes. I never found him; but moments later the neighbour's cat came out of the bushes licking its lips. My parents told me maybe he shared his lunch with the mouse.

My third pet was a crocodile. It was a plastic crocodile which would not fly off my arm. So I threw it up a tree. Sadly it did not fly back when I called him back. Dad suggested I tie him with string and pull him back. Unfortunately the string got caught in a branch and broke. The crocodile remained there up the tree. Dad got up a ladder to get it back. He fell into the thorny bushes. I was not popular that day.

Mom told me to train the crocodile to "fly" at ground level. This way I could pull him back on the string safely.

I never graduated to be a lion whisperer. An ambition which my uncle achieved seconds before he died.

I am a Motivational Speaker

MOTIVATIONAL ADDRESS

GIVEN BY

VICTOR S E MOUBARAK 

The most important thing in life is to focus. Focus on who you are. What you are. And whatever else you want to be or do in life. 

Like the eagle who soars in the skies and can focus on his prey down below; you too should do the same. Focus on the pigeons, rabbits, snakes, rats and others below and reach for the skies. 

But before considering on being an eagle, think like an eagle. 

Ask yourself, do you like eating pigeons, rabbits, snakes and other vermin below? If not, you need to change your attitude.

Yes, we all need to change if we are to go ahead. We can start with our vests and underpants. 

When is the last time you changed yours? Be honest now. Honesty is the best policy. 

Success in life can lead to success in love. Remember our motto:  

Say it with flowers
And chocolates too
Say it with jewellery
Or a good meal for two
Say it from the heart
Say what you think
But never be careless
And say it with ink

The next thing to consider is looking back. Never ever look back when you're moving forwards in life. 

I learnt this lesson the hard way when I walked into a lamp post, fell down the stairs, and on one occasion met the mother-in-law down a dark alley at night. 

Beware of perseverance. This means a persistent attitude to doing something despite setbacks and apparent failures. My advice is, if at first you don't succeed suck something else instead. 

In other words - If at first you don't succeed just give up. It is no point spending precious time and money doing something that will most probably not work anyway. Have the foresight of realising your failings and get on with doing something else instead. 

When I was at school I had failure written all over me. The other kids did it with their ball point pens. My teachers however said that I'd go down in history ... and geography, maths, science and practically everything else.

Did it worry me? No ... I forged on ahead and fulfilled their vision of me and became who I am. 

And in doing so I saved a lot of time and money trying something I'd fail at anyway. 

Know your failings and your potential. 

It is no point cooking a lobster thermidor if you don't have any thermidors in the house. 

In life, be like a sardine. Get into your tin and leave the key outside. Sooner or later someone will open up and let you out. Metaphorically speaking that is. 

Do as little as possible in life. Make it obvious that you are not doing so well. Pretty soon some kind soul will have pity on you and help you anyway. Either that, or marry Rich!

P.S.

Look what I have found in the garage

My own 

Coats of Arms

painted some ten years ago.

 

Once again ...

 

Once again readers have e-mailed me about the Coat of Arms displayed on the right-hand sidebar.

Have you noticed it? 

It is the Coat of Arms of one of my medieval ancestors. Read all about him HERE.

Lies and Untruths

 

Some readers have written to me saying they don't believe everything I write here. They think I make it all up and tell lies.

Me? Telling lies? I am wounded and hurt beyond belief. It is all true I tell you. I have never told a lie in my life. All stories are true.

Like the time I was abducted by aliens from outer space and they gave me a tour of their spaceship.

Like when I was in France and I saw a ghost in the aubergine where I stayed. (That's a small hotel in French). 

Or when in Paris and a man jumped into the river and was in Seine at the time.

Or when a crocodile knocked on my door and was searching for his girl-friend.

Or when I found a snail on my doorstep and to save him from being crushed I picked him up and put him in the bushes a few feet away. A week later he knocked at my door and said, "What's the great idea throwing me in the bushes?" 

It is all true, I tell you. Just click on the links above to check that it is all factually true.

Advertising

 

These days there are adverts everywhere. On TV, radio, newspapers and magazines, trains and buses, street signs and in all other places too.

Bald people can make a lot of money by having a tattoo on their heads advertising certain products. 

Advertising works; otherwise people would not do it. Organisations would not spend fortunes on advertising if they did not result in more sales.

For example, last Christmas the whole family got cycling helmets as presents; and none of us has a bicycle. See - adverts do work after all. 

Have you heard of subliminal advertising?

It's when they put a very short piece of video in a film, (a frame or two), or a short sound-bite on a radio program that your eyes or ears would not notice. And yet it sends a message to your brain. Your brain remembers a picture of a brand of food; and when you're next shopping the chances are you'll pick that particular brand instead of your usual one. 

I read that subliminal advertising is illegal in many countries. So presumably it works.

Most people don't believe that subliminal advertising is effective, (Victor's books are great), or that our minds can be so easily influenced. But believe me, it has been proved to work. 

 

Scientists have analysed peoples' perception under hypnosis, (Victor's humourous books are here), to see what they can remember seeing on TV and radio. Surprisingly, a great percentage of those hypnotised could recall the adverts even though they don't remember having seen them (Victor's books are on Amazon) on TV or radio. 

I would be surprised if such a theory really did work. But just in case, I am lining all our cycle helmets with aluminium foil to stop any waves reaching our brain. 

 

On a totally different subject, we have just heard that Victor's books are so good that even his cat likes them. Try them for your cat, or dog, or other pets. Especially his memoirs! 

Walk On

 

On the Radio

 

Years ago I presented a Christian program on the radio entitled "Time for Reflections". Here's a short excerpt.

Mentioned in the program is Merlin Carothers' book "Prison to Praise". Here's a link. 

You're the best friend I ever had

You've been here beside me and shared all my dreams through the years

We’ve shared all the laughter and sometime you dried all my tears

You stood close beside me and held me when good times turned bad

I need you to know you're the best friend that I've ever had

Together we've laughed as we walked hand in hand in the rain

All the good times we've had comes back to my memory again

Now as the years pass they're turning from silver to gold

I pray we will share them together as we're growing old

You're my best friend the one friend I know will be there come what may

You're the one I depend on the one friend I turn to each day

So if sometimes I hurt you and the things that I say makes you sad

Remember I love you and you're the best friend that I've ever had

Remember I love you and you're the best friend that I've ever had.

 

Mike Denver 

Death In A Taxi

 

DEATH IN A TAXI by Victor S E Moubarak

ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 979-8264737794

When you take a taxi, all you expect is to be taken where you wish to go without fuss or incident. Not so for Father Ignatius. On his taxi ride home from the railway station the last thing he expected was to get involved in a shooting in which there was loss of life.

At first, there was no clue as to who carried out the murder, nor the motive for such a horrendous act. Everyone was a suspect, including Father Ignatius himself. Was he involved in the murder, or was he the target of the attack?

This is a tale of mystery and intrigue with a twist at every turn and a conspiracy of lies and perverse motives. Father Ignatius finds himself embroiled in a dire situation not of his making and a dilemma as to what he should do next. It is a fine line for a priest between pursuing the course of justice and maintaining a priestly responsibility and demeanour when so much is at stake.

Despite his personal problems, the amiable priest continues to dispense good and charitable advice to his flock; advice which he should perhaps be inclined to follow himself.

As this story develops, the real motives behind the killings, and the perpetrators of the crimes, will become clearer and will astound readers. Will justice be served? Not just here on earth but in the eyes of God too.

This book will challenge your thinking on many issues regarding your faith and beliefs, whatever they are.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you do buy this book please let me know what you think of the plot; in particular the actions of Father Ignatius which can be somewhat controversial. Thank you.

DEATH IN A TAXI is available in paperback and Kindle versions from AMAZON and all good bookshops. Also in Audiobook and Alexa.

AMAZON LINK HERE 

Close encounter of the ratty kind

We parked the car on a beautiful afternoon in the countryside. The family decided to go for a walk; all the way up the narrow lane, leading to a village about half a mile away. I stayed in the car and listened to the radio.

As I sat in the driving seat I noticed ahead of me, some two yards away, something moving amongst the bushes. I switched off the radio and concentrated. It happened again. It moved a few inches to the left, then ran into the bushes again. It was a rat. At first I thought it was a squirrel maybe, but it was a rat all right. It came our again. Ran left and right. But stood still for long enough for me to identify him as a rat. 

I panicked. I quickly shut all the car windows and made sure all the doors were locked.

I lowered myself down in the seat so he would not see me.

I read somewhere that rats can be dangerous if they attack you. I could not drive away of course because I was waiting for my family to return from their walk. 

I had to either frighten the rat away or attack him. I searched the car for something I could use as a weapon.

I found a bra.

Let us not debate what a bra was doing in the car. I could use it as a sling shot or catapult. If David had this bra in the Bible he could have killed two Goliaths simultaneously.

Problem is, I did not have any pebbles or stones in the car. I could use the bra to hit the rat with if he attacked I suppose. 

I had read somewhere that rats can travel hundreds of miles. Apparently they hang to the underside of cars and as you drive away you inadvertently take them to your home.

I raised myself a little in my seat to keep an eye on the ninja rodent in case he jumped and hid under our car.

Eventually the family returned from their walk.

I hid the bra in the glove compartment and asked them to stamp their feet loudly before they entered the car quickly. I thought the noise would frighten the rat away.

They asked me why I asked them to stamp their feet. I told them it was a new game I'd invented. They thought it was stupid.

I drove away fast and every so often, when it was safe, I hit the brakes suddenly to dislodge any rats hanging on the underside of the vehicle. I looked in the rear view mirror to see if any rats fell off but there was nothing.

The family was not amused by my driving and thought I was a jerk. 

We got home safely. When they were in the house, I bent right down on the ground searching for any rats hanging on to the underside of the car. There were none.

I took the car to the garage and asked the mechanic to put it on a ramp and get underneath. "Can you hear a rat?" I asked.

"Hear a rat?" he asked, "surely you mean can you smell a rat?"

"Oh yes ... I meant can you hear a rat a ta tatt, rat a ta tatt ... when the engine is running," I said sheepishly.

He checked the car thoroughly and found nothing.

Maybe no rat managed to jump onto the car, or perhaps he fell when I hit the brakes.

What do you think?

My Aunt Elma

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Hello ... hello ... is that you Vic? It sounded like a woman ... Hello ... Hey Jim ... I've just phoned Vic and a woman answered. You don't think he's got some woman now the family are on holiday in London? Hello ... can you hear me Vic? 

There's no answer ... I bet she hasn't told him I phoned ... I'll ring him again.

Phone line goes dead. Phone rings again. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Hello Vic ... I know you got a woman with you ... this is auntie Elma ... my phone number is ... wait a minute ... I'll get it for you ... have you got a pen and paper ready? Jim ... Jim ... what is our phone number? 

 

(Pause) 

 

Of course I don't know it ... I don't usually phone myself do I? Hold on Vic ... I'll get you my phone number ... here it is ... write it down now ... it's 0987 23 76 12 ...

 

This is aunt Elma ... that's E ... L ... M ... A ... Jim and I are ringing to see you and the family are all right. We haven't seen you since last Thanksgiving. 

 

We are all well here in Scotland ... your uncle Jim was in pain with his carbuncle ... your little nephew called him uncle carbuncle ... what a hoot ... but he was in pain poor soul ... he's a martyr to his carbuncle ... he went to the hospital ... one day like ... and now he's OK. He can sit down all right and no longer needs the inflatable ring.

 

I had some difficulties too you know ... women things ... best not to talk about it ...

 

That and my feet ... I've always had problems with my feet Vic ... they are far too small for my body ... I look like a penguin I do ... when I stand up and look down I cannot see my feet ... 

 

It's the same with your uncle Jim now he's put on some weight ... when he stands up it's something else he cannot see too ... he makes me laugh he does ... can't reach it either I guess ...

 

Hey ... You'll never guess who has died ... I bet you can't guess ... died suddenly ... any ideas?

 

(Pause)

 

It's poor Mr MacCoughin ... remember him? He lived down the road from us ... just by the bakery ... you know ... Ivor Bun Bakery ... where we got the crumpets ... Next to I Pullem the dentist ... and Ema Carrot the vegetables woman. Just opposite Ma Leggert the chiropodist and Blinkers the Opticians.

 

Poor MacCoughin died suddenly this morning. I saw him yesterday ... he was as fit as a fiddle ... always healthy and never a day ill ... he was 83 he was ... and very healthy ... died suddenly ... hit by a bus in town ... Just by Doug M Deep the funeral undertaker it was ... at least they didn't have to go far to collect him!

 

I'll phone you again later Vic ... here's your uncle Jim ...

 

(Pause)

 

Hello Vic ... you OK mate? Whilst the cat's away is it? Your secret is safe with me ... see you soon!

 

Contact by phone

 

I receive from time to time emails from my kind and loyal readers and friends. These come straight to my desk and are always welcome and are replied to. 

The address is enquiries@holyvisions.co.uk

We have now installed a new service for anyone who prefers to speak to me directly on the phone. The number will be provided on request by e-mailing the address above.   

When you phone you will be connected directly to my office and to me alone - no assistant, or computer AI system or agency employees will be involved in your call. 

Should I not be at my office please:

PRESS 1 - to be transferred to the lounge where I may be at the time.

PRESS 2 - to transfer to the kitchen.

PRESS 3 - to transfer to the bathroom or shower room.

PRESS 4 - to transfer to the bedroom - but not if your call is at night !!! Please consider time differences between your time zone and ours here in the UK.

PRESS 5 - to transfer to the garden, (back garden or front garden equally accessible).

PRESS 6 - to transfer to my cell-phone in case I am not at home, or asleep in the car as a result of a family argument. 

PRESS 7 - to hear all these options again.

PRESS 8 - if you regret phoning me in the first place. 

There may be a delay whilst transferring you to your selected option. At such times there will be some uplifting music played whilst you wait. 

We guarantee the waiting period will not last for more than 59 minutes before the transfer is carried out. 

Should the delay last longer than 59 minutes you will be asked to hang up and phone again and the call will be terminated. 

You can PRESS 9 at any time should you wish to change the music you are listening to whilst waiting. 

This will have no effect on the selection of music we have chosen but it will make you feel as if you are in control of something.

PRESS * or # at any time, even when not on a call to us, if you have realised by now that you are not in control of anything in life.

We are like little ants on a floating leaf. We think we are in control of where we are going. But we are not in control at all, we just go with the flow.

Only God is in control.

As the deer

 

 As the deer pants for the water 

 

Could He have loved us any more?

 

PLEASE CLICK HERE 

Kindness

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE WEBSITE 

If you see your brother standing by the road
With a heavy load from the seeds he sowed
And if you see your sister falling by the way
Just stop and say, "You're going the wrong way"

 

You've got to try a little kindness
Yes, show a little kindness
Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll overlook the blindness
Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets

 

Don't walk around the down and out
Lend a helping hand instead of doubt
And the kindness that you show every day
Will help someone along their way

 

You got to try a little kindness
Yes, show a little kindness
Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll overlook the blindness
Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets

 

You got to try a little kindness
Yes, show a little kindness
Just shine your light for everyone to see
And if you try a little kindness
Then you'll overlook the blindness
Of narrow-minded people on the narrow-minded streets

What a week

 

It's been quite a week. My wife has joined the church choir. She spends a lot of time practicing at home. When she starts singing I quickly run and sit outside where my neighbours can see me. I don't want them to think I'm hitting her.

To distract her, I took her to the restaurant last night. The manager said, "Do you mind waiting for a bit?" I relied, "No!"So he asked to take the drinks to table 9 and ask them what they'd like to eat.

Whilst I was serving, a man rushed in from the street and asked me, "Quick ... how tall is a penguin?" I replied, "About three feet!" He said, "Oh dear me ... I have run over a nun!"  

I had a few drinks too many with our meal. So on the way home my wife drove the car. She crashed it and told the policeman who arrived on the scene that the man she collided with was speaking on his cell-phone and was drinking a can of beer at the time. The policeman said that the man can do what he likes in his living room.

After all the paperwork and formalities the policeman suggested I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart!

By the way, did I ever tell you that we named our two children War and Peace ... it's a long story!

I was really embarrassed the other day. My wife nearly caught me playing with my son's train set. So I quickly threw the bed sheet all over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Do you know the quickest way to turn a sofa into a bed? Forget your wife's birthday. I did so last week and she said she'll make sure I never forget it again.

Stop Monkeing Around

 

A Biker was riding his Harley along the beach when suddenly the sky opened above his head and, in a booming voice, GOD said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want.'

GOD replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

GOD replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

==================

 A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got up and searched with him.  

==================  

A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his night stand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11...

Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"

===================

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

===================

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “John, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”

John replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

====================  

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

==================== 

I vividly remember that I had a wonderful childhood. I remember the summer of 1992; my dad used to put me in a tyre and rolled me down a big hill.

It was a Goodyear

==================== 

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion. The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?”

“I’m at Princess Grace General Hospital.”

“What city are you in?”

“Cambridge.”

“Do you know who I am?”

“Dr James Hanover-Smythe.”

My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

==================== 

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

 

 

At the doctor's

 

I went to see Doctor Ivor Carbuncle for my normal check-up to see if my sense of humour is still intact. He asked me how I was, I replied, "that's what I'm here for - for you to find out!"

"Are you generally in a good mood?" he asked. "Not really," I replied, "sometimes I wake up grumpy, at other times I let her sleep and go downstairs and make myself some coffee!"

"What are the symptoms?" he asked.

I said they are little yellow cartoon characters on TV, there's Homer and Bart and Lisa and ...

"How is your libido?" he interrupted.

I said, "Oh I gave up that Italian car a long time ago; I now have a Toyota!"

He continued writing and accidentally dropped his pen. I picked it up for him and found another pen under his desk. I gave it to him and asked is this your pen? He scribbled with it and said, "Oh yes ... it surely is my pen!"

"How can you be so sure?" I asked. He replied, "It's my handwriting!"

He then asked, "Do you have trouble passing water?"

I said, "Only if I'm on a bridge or on a boat! I'm afraid I'd fall in!" 

He then suggested he conducts an allergy test. He explained that some people are intolerant to milk; lactose intolerant, others are allergic to dust, pet hairs, feathers and so on. He asked me to roll up my sleeves. I thought he was challenging me to arm wrestling. He said he wasn't.

He put various drops of liquids on my arm and wrote beside them what they were - milk, pet hair, feathers and so on; and we waited for a few minutes to see if there was a reaction to any of them.

Instantly, all of them turned bright red as if inflamed. Turned out I was allergic to the ink in his pen.

He then gave me a psychological test first showing me a lot of ink blots and asked me what I see. I told him I see a messy careless person who cannot write neatly in a book without spilling ink everywhere.

He then said, "I'll say a few words and you tell me what first comes to your mind ...

"Honesty ..."

"Is a rare quality these days." I said.

"Truth ..."

"What is truth? People can't handle the truth these days!"

"Happiness ..."

"Happiness is getting home at night and finding a piece of cheese in the mousetrap!"

"Life ..."

"Life is a series of disappointments punctuated by the occasional failure." 

"Peace ..."

"I'd give you a piece of my mind on this pointless exercise if I could afford it."

He put all the data on the computer and we waited for ten minutes. It was an old computer.

Turned out I am a people intolerant curmudgeon.

I did not have my dictionary with me, so I was at a loss for words to answer him. 

Can it really be? Am I as the computer said? What do you think? Is it true?

Good works

 

"My brothers and sisters, what good is it for people to say that they have faith if their actions do not prove it? Can that faith save them? Suppose there are brothers or sisters who need clothes and don't have enough to eat. What good is there in your saying to them, “God bless you! Keep warm and eat well!” — if you don't give them the necessities of life? So it is with faith: if it is alone and includes no actions, then it is dead." James 2:14-17.  

Let's get one common misconception cleared. Doing good works will NOT get you into Heaven.

God does not demand good works and good deeds in order to get into Heaven. He does not demand that we give more in the collection plate on Sundays, or continuous repetitive prayers like the Rosary, or lighting candles beside statues and laying flowers. He is not diminished in any sense if we do not do these things. He is not found wanting or weakened if we withhold these good deeds. 

But we should do them all the same. We do good deeds to honour God, to show Him respect and love, and because He commanded us to love one another.

We don't do good deeds as a down-payment to entering Heaven. God cannot be bought.

We don't do good deeds in exchange for favours and answers to our prayers. God does not bargain with us.

We do good deeds because He asked us to.

When Jesus walked this earth He performed many miracles. Every miracles He performed was for the benefit of someone else. It was not to show off His power, omnipotence or superiority. It was so that God, His Father and ours, is glorified. 

And God raised Him from the dead so that Jesus is glorified and to prove He is the Son of God.

That's what the miracles were about.

Let our good deeds be our own, small, miracles to one another. Just as He commanded.

The light of the world

 

Once again, Jesus spoke to the people and said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in the darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12

Jesus often referred to Himself as the light of the world. The world (our souls) was in darkness because of our sins and He came to light the way back to God.

But in Matthew 5:14-16 He said, “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

What does He mean about this? How can He be the light of the world and us, you and me, also be the light of the world?

Let's consider it this way: He is the Son of God, He was sent to earth to light the world and bring it forth from darkness. His light originates from God. It is His light that we see to guide us to eternity.

We reflect His light onto the world. We do not have our own light; we merely reflect His light.

He is the sun shining His light and bringing life to the world. We are the moon which reflects the sun's brightness.

How do we reflect Christ's light in the world?

By the way we live, the way we speak and behave and act towards others. We can read in the Bible how Jesus behaved when He met people; the sick and the lame, the blind, the deaf, the mute and those possessed with demons and with many diseases and illness. He treated them all with kindness, love, caring and compassion.

Do we really reflect those qualities with everyone we meet? Or do we fall short of what He expects of us? 

Do people recognise us as Christians - followers of Christ in every meaning of the word and not just paying lip service to it?

Let us start a new trend. Every morning let us pray to God that He sends us someone in our life whom we can help. He will not let us down. He will answer this prayer.

Let us be Christ to someone.

The shed

 

When I was a child we lived by the river. We had a large house with a big garden and at the end of the garden ran the river.

Right at the end of the garden there was an old shed, or shack, just by the edge of the river. It was old and dilapidated. It contained some tools, a small ladder, a lawnmower that had not been used for ages and ... horror of horrors ... many spiders. I'd been in the shed once with my dad to get a spanner or something and watched him clear the cobwebs before getting in.

I hated that shed, or more precisely, the spiders it contained. What if they escaped and, like Peter Parker, they bit me? I really did not fancy being Spider-Man, and I hate heights. I get vertigo when I put my shoes on. (Must buy some Odour-Eaters).    

One day, after a lot of rain, the river was swollen and it almost broke its banks. I saw an opportunity to get even with the spiders. The shack was old and all its wood was rotten or rotting away. I picked up an old tree branch and used it to lever the shack off its base and pushed it into the river. 

I waved the spiders goodbye as the shed floated down the river. 

That very afternoon dad knew that the shed was no more and, of course, he rightly suspected me.

"Someone pushed the shed into the river," he said, "was it you?"

I decided to come clean and confess. Remembering George Washington I said, "Yes it was me, Dad. I tell the truth. And also, when George Washington chopped down the cherry tree he did not get into trouble because he told the truth!"  

Dad replied, "True ... but George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree at the time!" 

To sleep, perchance to dream

 

The facts about sleep

12% of people dream entirely in black and white

Before colour television was introduced, only 15% of people dreamt in colour. Older people dream in black and white more often than younger people. I dream in colour, in 3D and in stereo surround sound. 

Two thirds of a cat’s life is spent asleep

This will come as no surprise to most cat owners. Every sofa is a sofa bed to them. Otherwise found on your favourite seat or computer keyboard. That's why cats have nine lives.

A giraffe only needs 1.9 hours of sleep a day, whereas a brown bat needs 19.9 hours a day.

It takes a long time for the sleep to travel from the giraffe's head/brain to the rest of its body. The bat sleeps upside down so the sleep reaches its brain quicker. But it is problematic when it needs to go to the toilet.

Humans spend 1/3 of their life sleeping

This obviously differs depending on the age of the human, but on average it’s around a third, which is quite a lot when you think about it. I hate it when I wake up and find I've missed the turning off the motorway.

The record for the longest period without sleep is 11 days

This was set by a Californian student named Randy Gardner in 1964. This is definitely not recommended, however, as Randy experienced extreme sleep deprivation and others have died staying awake for too long. 

Dysania is the state of finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning

We’ve all no doubt found it tricky getting out of bed before, but those suffering from Dysania find it particularly difficult. It’s most likely to be a form of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

It’s thought that up to 15% of the population are sleepwalkers.

This is according to the National Sleep Foundation. It’s also a myth that you shouldn’t wake someone who is sleepwalking.

Within 5 minutes of waking up, 50% of your dream is forgotten

After an additional 5 minutes, 90% of recollection is gone. Sigmund Freud believed this was because dreams represent our repressed thoughts and so our brain wants to get rid of them quickly. However, it’s much more likely due to our brains simply being used much more as soon as we’re awake and so we forget much of what we’ve dreamed about. (It depends on the dream Freud ... my dreams can be quite memorable you know!!!)

Sleep experts have discovered a direct link between people’s favourite sleeping positions and their personalities

This is according to Professor Idzikowski, suggesting that those who sleep in the foetal position “may appear tough but are actually sensitive souls right to their core". I sleep hanging upside down from a hammock. What does that say about me?

Ideally, falling asleep at night should take you 10-15 minutes

If it takes you less than five minutes, chances are, you’re sleep deprived. ZZZZZ .... ZZZZZ .....

Humans are the only mammals that willingly delay sleep.

How nice it must be to just go to sleep whenever and wherever you are! I once dreamt I was asleep at a business meeting. When I woke up ... I was!

Sleeping on your front can aid digestion

Hands should apparently be positioned above the pillow so you’re in a ‘freefall’ position, whilst laying on your left side can apparently help reduce heartburn. Take care ... sleeping on your front can make you break wind. 

The whisperer

 

There was an old man who lived on a farm. He noticed that when he hums or whistles a tune softly the snails would slide along on their way to do what they were doing. He believed he influenced their peaceful behaviour.

So he sat by the river and tried the same procedure with the fish. He hummed a tune, then whistled, and the fish just swam to and fro oblivious of his presence. He was pleased with himself and thought he'd try again.

He walked towards the apiary, and sat by the bee hives. He watched the bees fly backwards and forwards from the hives towards the fields beyond and then come back again. He hummed and whistled softly and they got on with their busy work.

He then hummed and whistled to the sheep in the fields; and they too did what sheep usually do in fields and ignored him. 

He then sat under a tree and hummed to the birds above. They seemed to respond totally ignoring his presence.

He was pleased with himself. He reckoned he was an animal whisperer. He told everyone about it. But people either humoured him politely or did not seem to respond in any way.

One day the circus came to town. What an opportunity for him to prove his point. 

He wanted to be a lion whisperer.

An ambition he achieved that very night seconds before he died.  

MORAL OF THIS STORY: If you have a talent don't be cocky about it.