Tuesday 7 June 2022

No Wedding and Two Funerals


Funerals aren't much fun. Especially when there's no WiFi reception in church and I cannot get the football game on my cell-phone. Why do people die when there's a good match on TV?

Anyway, I had to attend a work's colleague's funeral. I did not know him that well; just a nodding acquaintance really. He led the Health and Safety monthly sessions and I nodded when falling asleep.

He was a keen musician in his spare time. He led the orchestra; safely I hope. His name was Phil R Moniker; although we used to call him Ivan Accident. (I'm good at making up names, don't you think?)

Anyway, the funeral service was not too long and incident free. Apart from the moment when the vicar caught his garments on the candle and nearly set himself on fire. Oh ... and also when one of the assistants was swinging that incense burner thing a little enthusiastically and hit an elderly lady in the face. She started crying and wailing and no one knew whether it was because of the pain or whether she was grieving Phil's departure.

Eventually, Phil departed to the cemetery, followed by a procession of cars filled with mourners.

I knew a short-cut, so I took a turning to the left and went via the out-of-town route. Unfortunately I got caught in heavy traffic and by the time I got there a number of people were standing around the grave.

The coffin had already been lowered into the ground and the vicar present ended his prayers with "May she rest in Peace".

"She?" I thought. Is there something about Phil R Moniker that I do not know? 

I was so busy analysing what I just heard that I did not notice that this was a totally different vicar conducting the proceedings. Also, the audience, (is that what you call them?), were different to the one's in church half-an-hour earlier. 

In my haste to get to the cemetery I had totally lost the plot! (Clever pun, don't you think?)

I was at the cemetery North of town instead of the one near the motorway.

I was about to retreat discreetly when I was approached by one of the mourners.

"She'll be really missed!" he said.

"Yes ... very much so ..." I said unconvincingly.

"Did you know her well?" he asked.

"Ehm ... years ago ... when I worked in London ... haven't seen her since," I lied so convincingly that I almost believed it.

"Really?" he said raising an eyebrow, "I did not know she lived in London. She said she hated it so much. Too busy, she said!"

"That's probably why she left," I lied to myself and to him once more, "too many people in London ... so busy!"

"It's tragic, the way she died ..." he continued as we were making our way out of the cemetery.

Now I was in real trouble. What do I say? I don't even know her name, never mind how she died. I remained silent. He continued after a few seconds.

"Knitting whilst sitting on the toilet!" he lamented.

I made some excuse about a meeting I had to be at and jumped in my car in a hurry! 


  1. HaHa! Nowt! Like a good laugh at a funeral...
    I remember the conversation regarding mai
    Mama..Half the family wanted her buried,
    half wanted her cremated..in the end we ALL
    agreed and let her live..! :).

    A couple of very funny TV funeral sketches came
    to mind..one in Last of the Summer Wine, and one
    in Open All Hours..with Arkwright trying to get the
    buns for the catering under the coffin..in the hearse! :)

    Some 30yrs ago and stating in my will about being
    buried, l changed it to a cremation, not happy with
    that, as l'm still a Catholic.. and Cremation is forbidden
    in the true Catholic Tradition..though mia Mama wanted
    to be cremated, her wishes were carried out...that was quite blaze to...and..Catholics are forbidden from keeping the ashes of cremated loved ones at home..this was a ruling
    from the Vatican in 2019..!

    So, we've ALL got at least one funny story from a funeral,
    l've got quite a few..so much so..that on my demise, l
    will have my mobile in my pocket, in my coffin, my
    daughter will ring my number..l have the theme from The Godfather as my ring tone...HeHe! I'll say no more...! :).
    And then, off l go to Southampton Hospital..as..finally
    l've left my body in the hands of science..
    HTA..(Human Tissue Authority)..hopefully in the hands
    of a Dr Frankenstein...HeHe! "I'll be back"...! :).
    I'm certain of that..'Dead' certain...! :O) 💀 💀 💀 💀

    1. I did not know that Catholics cannot be cremated; or that you can't keep the ashes at home.

      God bless, Willie.

    2. https://www.cremationresource.org/cremation/what-do-catholics-believe-about-cremation.html

    3. Thank you so much, Willie. This is very helpful. Much appreciated.

      God bless you.

    4. "Half the family wanted her buried,
      half wanted her cremated..in the end we ALL
      agreed and let her live..! :)."

      😂 hahahhaha!!!!

    5. It's good to laugh, Sandi.

      God bless.

  2. ...when I'm gone, those left can do with me as they please.

  3. So you went your own way instead of following the procession. Things didn't turn out so well. Sounds to me like you could apply the same lesson towards using your will instead of relying on God.

  4. Only you could end up at the wrong funeral, Victor. LOL!

    1. So glad I made you laugh, Martha. God bless you.

  5. Thanks for the entertainment. you asked: (I'm good at making up names, don't you think?) YES!
    Yep I have attended several funerals too long, only once went to the WRONG ONE! Probably mine.
    Be good over there, be sure to drive on the correct side of the roadways.... ;-)

    1. I like inventing suitable names for my characters, Jack.

      Wishing you well always. Yes, over here we drive on the left. God bless y'all.

  6. It truly seems that you have a special talent of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, Victor. Lol I hope you have better luck at your next funeral. Thanks for always finding the humor in things. Be blessed today.

    1. Humour is one way to shield us from life's difficulties. It also makes us laugh.

      God bless, Nells.

  7. I shouldn't laugh ... really, I shouldn't. What a pity you and my late uncle-the-undertaker never struck up an acquaintance. One of the funniest people I ever knew, Edric always vowed one day he would author a book detailing the true-but-hilarious things surrounding the funeral industry.

    1. We always need humour, Mevely; especially when life is difficult and we see its dark side. Maybe ... humour is a sign of hope.

      God bless you always.

  8. I would like to be buried in one of the cemeteries I walk around in the mornings. I should check it out.
    My father was buried in a very large cemetery. My friend and I were leaving together in one car to meet up at a relatives house. We got lost in the cemetery and it took us forever to find our way out. We did so much laughing and knew my father was laughing with us too. :)

    1. It's so refreshing when we see humour in such sad occasions, Happyone. I'm sure our deceased loved ones approve.

      God bless.

  9. The best way to go to a funeral is with a baby in your arms. First, people stop crying and want to hold the baby, it cheers them up. Then, if the funeral gets too long, the baby is sure to start crying at some point, giving you and excuse to leave!

  10. Dearest Victor,
    Haha, that was a two—for one funeral for you!
    Knitting on the toilet... what a hobby, she must have been severely constipated.
    Great story telling.

    1. I did not wait to find out how and why she died on the toilet. Must have lost a stitch!!!

      I'm so glad you enjoyed my humour, Mariette. I'll have to think up more stories.

      God bless you and Pieter always.



God bless you.