So what did you do in life?

 

My friend JACK in a recent Blog post asked the question "did you follow a life close to your parent's?" You can read him HERE.

Well, NO - I did not. I am not as clever as my Dad or Mom. I just got along from education to a junior administration job in a large multi-national and then made a career there.

But I do come from quite and inventive and clever family. Obviously, the cleverness missed a generation when it came to me.

My grand-father was a famous explorer. He travelled round the world trying to find things. Once when on the Equator he discovered the East Pole. We all know about the North and South Poles, but he discovered the East One. Unfortunately he was unable to pin it down in any one place because the Earth kept moving round from left to right and the East Pole kept escaping away.

My other grand-father worked in a famous zoo. His job was picking up penguins. As you know, penguins just stand there looking at the visitors in the zoo taking photographs. However, when an air-plane flies overhead the penguins get distracted and they all look up and follow the plane with their eyes. If the plane comes from in front and flies slowly at height over them, they raise their heads up and follow it slowly tilting back and back until they all fall flat on their backs. That's when grandpa would come into the enclosure and pick them up again and makes them stand in a line. It was a 24/7 job because the zoo was nearby to an airport. No sooner he picked some penguins up, than another species in another enclosure would fall over and need picking up. He spent his time running from one enclosure to another. So being a descendant from an inventive family tree, he tied all the penguins in a straight  line to a long wooden pole, (not the East one), running behind their backs. So when they fell he just picked up one of them and they all stood up in unison. The manager was not amused and threatened to fire him. So he spent the rest of his career picking up penguins one at a time.

My other grand-father invented the spoon rest. Before that, cooks and chefs, and everyone in the kitchen had a problem when using spoons in the kitchen. They would stir the soup, or the broth or whatever they were cooking and then did not know where to put the spoon. If they left it on the table it would make a stain of soup or whatever they were cooking. Also, it was unhygienic placing the spoon on the table and then  back into the pot for another stir. Some cooks put the spoon behind their ears like you would a pencil or pen, but this resulted in soup or sauce in their hair. Others, tried putting the spoon in their pockets; but that wasn't clever either. So this grandpa invented the spoon rest, (see prototype above), and now we have an extra thing to wash and clean when in the kitchen.

My other grand-father invented the cold air balloon. But it did not take off.

My other grand-father was a film star actor. He was the hump on The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

My other grand-father was a glazier fixing broken windows. One day he replaced all the glass panes in an office block then realized he had a crack in his spectacles.

My other grand-father invented a humane way to kill ants. Totally natural with no polluting chemicals. He started with a flat stone upon which he mixed a spoonful of sugar and a spoonful of pepper. The ants would be attracted by the sugar. Inhale the pepper and sneeze knocking themselves dead on the flat stone. 

My other grand-father wanted to be a lion whisperer. He finally achieved his life-long ambition just moments before he died.

My other grandfather invented a compass which always pointed in the opposite direction he was travelling. He did not know whether he was coming or going. He also invented a luminous sundial so he could tell the time at night. His sundial watch did not catch on though ... except on his sleeves as he put his shirts on.

My other grand-father ... are you keeping up with me? He was a medic. He practised reverse liposuction. He put fat into thin people. Something he invented when he worked at a sausage factory. He was fired from the hospital when he also invented instant laxative. He also invented a new technique to deal with loose excess skin when overweight people lose weight. He tried it on a colleague. He pulled up all the loose extra skin upwards, ever so upwards, and stretched it tightly until all his excess skin was tied into a knot and hidden behind the man's neck. He looked perfectly well except that his navel was now on his forehead. He also had a very unusual tie.