Oh Lord

OH LORD!

Oh Lord, you were with me

At the dawn of my life.

And today you are beside me

In good times and in strife.

When I’m lonely, when I’m troubled,

Afraid, or just depressed,

I pray to You, Oh Lord

And once more I’m at rest.

Stay with me my Lord

Throughout all of my days,

And should I ever fall

Help me up once again.

Teach me to love You

As You have loved us all,

And strengthen my failing faith,

When doubts obscure my soul.

I may not know my purpose,

Nor the plans You have for me,

Yet in trust I wish to follow

And offer my life to Thee.

 Copyright © 2016 Victor S E Moubarak

Let Us Cheer Up

I was in a bar last night when the bartender said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

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I just read a list of “100 Things to Do Before You Die”. I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

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A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No," shouts the man, "this is her husband."  

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My dad used to say, "always fight fire with fire!"

 

This is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

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I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my Dad. Her eyes lit up and excitedly said, “Wow, your Dad’s a millionaire?”

I said, “No, but he wants to be.”

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My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

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I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater. I didn’t even know they could knit!

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I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.

The hours are terrible, but the celery is good. 

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A man goes to the doctor and said, "Every time I walk my bottom whistles!"

The doctor does not believe him and he asks him to walk up and down the room. The man walks backwards and forwards, and sure enough, with every step he takes his bottom whistles, "Fuit ... Fuit ... Fuit ..."

 

The doctor is astounded and says he needs to take a recording of this. He asks the man to walk again and he records his whistling bottom.

 

(You'll like the punchline ... I can't wait to hear it myself ... that's why I'm typing so fast ...)

 

Anyway, the doctor takes the tape recording to a consultant expert doctor specialising in unusual bodily functions.

 

He plays the tape and asks him what he thinks of it.

 

The consultant says, "It's some silly ass whistling!"

I had my potential spotted. The doctor gave me an ointment for it.

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I went out with a lady contortionist. She turned the other cheek.

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Are you dyslectic? If so, put a bick in this tox.

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FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE WEBSITE

Sitting by the pool

JOHN 5:2 ONWARDS

 Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralysed. For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had. 

One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?” “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”

At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, and so the Jewish leaders said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.”

There is so much for us to learn from this short passage in John's Gospel.

I guess it was traditional for people to gather round that pool and await for the water to stir before jumping in. We are not told whether people actually got healed or not; but presumably so since people kept going there. 

Jesus too went there. He obviously did not want healing. But He went there for a purpose.

He saw a lame man and learnt that he had been an invalid for years. He asked him an obvious question: Do you want to get well?

Duh ... of course, otherwise I would not be here!

But the sick man does not answer the question. He says that he cannot get to the pool on time because others more able than him jump in first; and it is only the first one in who gets healed.

So Jesus simply says: Get up! Pick up your mat and walk! 

Note that this happened on the Sabbath. The day when the Jews were not allowed to work. And apparently, according to the Jewish leaders, they decided that carrying one's mat was in fact work.

Jesus could have said: Get up and walk. 

He did not have to mention the mat. But had He done so, the man would have walked away unnoticed and that would have been the end of the story. 

Jesus went to the pool deliberately on the Sabbath. He certainly planned to make a point of healing someone on that day to test the reactions of the people. 

Rather than rejoicing and praising God for another miracle amongst their mist; and celebrating with the man who had been healed after so many years; the Jewish leaders were nit-picking and fussing about the minutiae of the law.

Aren't we like that sometimes? Each interpreting our Christian beliefs our own way and certain that we are right and therefore everyone else is wrong.

Rather than rejoicing in what unites us in faith, we argue about what divides us and sets us apart.

Would we not much rather hear Jesus say: Get up and walk. Your prejudices have been healed.

Let Us Share The Misery

 

Come folks. Let us get together and share the misery. Let us look at the state of the world today. Trouble and turmoil everywhere. Wars and destruction. Famines and sickness everywhere. Poverty. Rising prices. Recession. Stagnation and economic downturn. Loss of work and bankruptcies. 

Wherever you turn, there's a negative story to relate and to regale in. Because we all love a bit of  negativity. It is news. It sells papers. It makes great eye-catching breaking-news headlines.

Even in personal lives there is always a little negativity and misery which we can hold on to like a comfort blanket. A long standing illness perhaps. A marriage in difficulty. A dysfunctional family. A broken relationship.

Don't misunderstand me. I am not making light of peoples' personal difficulties, often serious; or of the state of the world these days.

I am pointing out how much misery and misfortune there exists on our planet right now. And I ask myself: Why?

Surely all the problems I have just mentioned have always been around. There has always been wars, famines and sickness and so on. Is there more of it right now; or does it seem that there is more because it is reported more often in the 24 hours news media we have created?

I guess that the miseries we are "enjoying" these days are no more or no different than those of previous generations. What I feel ... what I believe ... is different is the way we are reacting to those miseries.

The natural first instinct is to worry, panic perhaps, and be seriously concerned as to how they will affect us and our families and our loved ones. But then, after a while, and with more bad news on the horizon, we develop misery fatigue. 

We cease to be shocked. We cease to be as concerned as before. We develop an immune response to bad news. We say, "as long as it does not affect me and mine then I'll not be bothered ..."

The miseries of today may not be different or more than the ones of yesteryear but we react differently ... because ... we have distanced ourselves from God.

Over the years, we have managed to exclude Him from every aspects of our lives. He is no longer central to our lives. He is no longer present in our personal life, in our families, in our marriages, our governments, our schools or public life or workplaces. There's a whole new generation growing up with little, if any, opportunity to know God.

In fact God is alien and unknown to many souls. More than ever before in the history of this world. Sure, people may have heard about Him; but that is the extent of the relationship. He is a distant acquaintance perhaps, Someone they heard about and care even less.

We have excluded God from our lives and He, being a gentleman, has let us go. 

It's reminiscent of the story in the Gospel of John Chapter 6 where Jesus says He is "the Bread of life" and later when He says that unless people eat His flesh or drink His blood they will not have life.

This upset some of His listeners and they decided not to follow Jesus any more. And He let them go. 

Today, we are doing the same. Many have decided to distance themselves from God and He let them go. 

He said, "OK ... let your will be done ..."

That's why, I believe, there seems to be more misery these days, and why their effects are more pronounced and more serious.

Carpaccio

 

I think cars should not be made in the same colour. It is very confusing. Cars should be manufactured in slightly different colours with no two cars the same. I wrote to a number of car manufacturers and they have all ignored me.

I'll tell you what sparked this whole thing. A few months ago I went to a famous theatre for a ballet performance. I don't like the ballet; but I went with a few business colleagues as part of a work's outing. I don't understand why ballet dancers have to stand on tiptoe. Why can't they hire taller dancers?

Anyway, after the performance I went to the car park and I mistakenly tried to get into a car the same colour as mine. But it was not my car. 

I drive a twenty years old mini. The car I tried to enter was a new Rolls Royce. But it was the same colour. Easy mistake to make.

Do you agree that cars should not be the same colour?

NOTE: Carpaccio has nothing to do with cars. It is an Italian hors-d'oeuvre consisting of thin slices of raw beef or fish served with a sauce.

Do you like carpaccio? 

Do you like cars?

Do you like gaspacho? It's an hors-d'oeuvre made of gas.

I Don't Look Good Naked Anymore

THE SNAKE OIL WILLIE BAND

 Well, my body could use a little slimmin'
I keep my shirt on when I go swimmin'
And I ain't seen my feet since 1984
The old lady wants to roll in the hay
We turn the lights down all the way
Cuz I don't look good naked anymore

 

 No I don't look good naked anymore
I'm a deep-fried, double-wide version of the man I was before
If I keep on like I'm doing
I won't fit through the door
And I don't look good naked anymore

Well, I used to be a hell of a man
I chopped wood with just one hand
But I can't do the things I've done before
Well, it all happened kinda slow
But I guess I kinda let myself go
Now I don't look good naked anymore

 

 No I don't look good naked anymore
I'm a deep-fried, double-wide version of the man I was before
If I keep on like I'm doing
I won't fit through the door
And I don't look good naked anymore

With each and every passing year
Came a lot of french fries and beer
And my belly hung a little closer to the floor
Now my belly is big as a truck
And the old lady don't wanna--
SHE DON'T WANNA!
Cuz I don't look good naked anymore

 

 No I don't look good naked anymore
I'm a deep-fried, double-wide version of the man I was before
If I keep on like I'm doing
I won't fit through the door
And I don't look good naked anymore

No I don't look good naked anymore
I'm a deep-fried, double-wide version of the man I was before
If I keep on like I'm doing
I won't fit through the door
And I don't look good naked anymore
No I don't look good naked anymore

It's About Time

 

Yesterday, MEVELY wrote on her Blog about time. But because of the space time continuum distortion as explained by Einstein I read her article before she wrote it.

"How is this possible?" I heard you say before you even thought it.

"It's simple," you should have heard me say had you been paying attention. 

You see, as Einstein explained, it is because time bends in the presence of gravity. 

This is something many old people have experienced every time they bend down to pick up something from the floor. They feel the pains of many years on their backs. 

Also, if they stand naked in front of a mirror they plainly see the effects of gravity on their body.

All of which gives rise to great hilarity and a sense of freedom.

Einstein also explained about time dilation. This means the expansion of time in real terms. Remember when you were young how slow time seemed to pass? Especially when you were looking forwards to something nice like a birthday party, a visit to the cinema, or boring Aunt Melba to go home so you can watch TV or play with your toys.

But as you get older that same time seems to go much faster and as soon as you wake up in the morning it is time to brush your teeth and go back to bed, and you've forgotten to go to the bathroom.

That's time dilation. Looking at it another way; let's imagine a circular piece of elastic. Like the one holding up a pair of underpants. As a person's waist gets larger and larger the elastic band stretches and dilates and the underpants remain in place. However, there comes a time when the elastic can stretch no longer and it gives up altogether revealing the effects of gravity on the body as we discussed previously.

Einstein also pointed out the effect of time on distance. Because the earth circumference is over 24,000 miles, and the earth spins once every 24 hours; then if you stand at the Equator you would be travelling at 1000 miles an hour. That's enough to blow your wig off.

However, if you stand at the North Pole, you will turn round on yourself once every day. How slow is that compared to your friend on the Equator? If you stand at the South Pole you'll get dizzy because you're upside down and the blood will rush to your head.

Did you know that my uncle Herbert the Eighth discovered the East Pole? It's somewhere on the Equator but he could not pin it down because it was going so fast.

Finally, scientists have discovered that time affects men and women differently. If you don't believe me, try waiting in the car to go somewhere important whilst your wife is still trying to decide what dress she will wear, what shoes will match the dress, and then start to apply all that face make-up on.     

Henry VIII

 

Pay attention everyone. Today's English history lesson is about King Henry VIII.

Now here's a tip for all of you history enthusiasts. Remember, in English history the answer to any question is more often than not Henry VIII.

Just answer Henry VIII and the chances are you are right. Here are some examples:

Name a popular English King - Henry VIII

Who broke away from the Catholic Church - Henry VIII

Who had his wives killed - Henry VIII

Name a song by Herman's Hermits - I'm Henry VIII I am

What is the capital of England - Henry VIII

Name three ways to cook a potato - Henry VIII, Henry VIII and Henry VIII

Every question you are likely to be asked about English history, geography, politics, economics, and any other subject the answer is likely to be Henry VIII

Did you know that during Henry VIII's reign there was a grain famine. He told his people to kill vermin that eat grains like mice, rats, and such like and he will pay them money if they handed the dead creature to the Local Authorities. Amongst the creatures on the list was the kite; a bird of prey. Someone pointed to him that the kite eats mice and birds, not grain. So in a way he was contributing to the war against vermin. Why put him on the list of creatures to be hunted? King Henry VIII reminded the people as to who was King, and the kite remained on the list.

Also, did you know that Henry VIII was short-sighted? His helmet had glass spectacles fitted to them so he could see better. The Tudors were far more advanced than we gave them credit for.

In Henry VIII's time football was a favourite pastime played between two villages. The ball was a pig's bladder and they started the game at a mid-point between two villages several miles apart. The idea was to get the ball into your village. The whole village population would play and there were no rules or referee. Anything goes. Just fight everyone else and get the ball to your village. Many people got injured and hurt. In 1540 Henry VIII banned the game because he needed soldiers for his army and too many people were getting injured and maimed playing football.

Henry VIII is best remembered as having many wives. Do you know how many? The video below will explain it all.

Sir Laugh-A-Lot

 

Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s purse, so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually.

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I went for a job interview today and the interviewer said to me, “According to your CV, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s right.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty-nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

I said, “No, but it was quick.”

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I’m worried my wife is getting forgetful. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.

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My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a ride from the delivery guy. Cheaper than a taxi and I got a pizza as well.

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In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems. Have you got a problem? Come round so we can discuss it.

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A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs.

So he rings the Animal Welfare people and tells the woman who answers what he’s found. She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are they moving?”

The guy replies, “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

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A student reports for her university final exam which consists mainly of  true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

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This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He is sadly nearing the end but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.

 

Then one day, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.

 

As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot during a hunting accident, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side … You know what?”

 

“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.

 

He said, “I think you’re bad luck …”

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My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.

Guess I won’t be needing those any more.

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My boss pulled up to work in a beautiful new top-of-the-range car today.

I complimented him on it and he said to me, “Well, if you get your head down and work hard, set goals and stay committed to them, be determined and work long hours…. maybe next year I can get an even better one.”