I was rubbing an old lamp earlier when a genie popped out and granted me a wish.
I asked him to make me irresistible to all women. He turned me into a pair of shoes.
We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a pound. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house.
After finishing our Chinese food, my wife and I cracked open our fortune cookies.
Hers read, “Be quiet for a little while.”
Mine read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
Peter worked at the Natural History Museum in London when one day a lady asked him how old the dinosaur skeleton was.
“It’s 65 million years and six months old,” he told her.
“How can you be so precise?” the lady replied.
“Because it was 65 million years old when I started here, and I’ve worked here for six months,” he replied.
A woman stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So, you must be the person who took our phone book."
Our elderly neighbour has been married and divorced multiple times?
We call him, ‘Lord of the Rings.’
I was really struggling to get my wife’s attention. So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.