Tuesday 28 June 2022

Stand well back ...


Stand well back from your computer because I am about to get very angry.

Why is it that sometimes the whole world conspires to go against me? All I want is a quiet life minding my own business and largely ignoring everyone else. I am in no way prejudiced. I keep my distance from everyone equally. Including my mother-in-law.

This morning I had planned to take it easy, perhaps do a little gardening, sit in the sun a bit with a nice cool drink, talk to the birds and bees or even the dog. But did it happen this way? No ... I said NO !!!

No sooner I dozed off in the sunshine that I heard a noise up in the sky like a  burning furnace or something ... Wooosh ... it went  ... Woosh .... WOOOSH ...

I nearly fell off my chaise-longue. Oh yes ... I can be as sophisticated as the next man. Or if there's a woman sitting nearby ... as the next woman.

Up in the sky there was one of those hot air balloons with a big furnace type contraption blowing hot air and a wicker basket underneath with a man inside it. 

A voice from above shouted, "WHERE AM I?"

I replied, "You can't fool me, mate. You're in that basket attached to the balloon."

The contraption responded with, "Wooosh ... Wooosh ..." as he floated away.

I went indoors to tell my wife what happened. She was not too interested but had a long shopping list of items for me to get from the supermarket. I pretended to have hurt myself when I fell off the chaise-longue. She said don't be a snob it is only a plastic chair. 

She decided to drive to the supermarket and pick me up later when she had finished her many chores.

I did the shopping as quickly as I could. Our supermarket has automatic self-service check-out machines whereby you scan your own goods and pay by credit card yourself. I like them because I don't have to be pleasant to the check-out assistants on the other machines.

I scanned all my shopping. The machine would not accept my credit card. I tried another card. Same thing. I called an assistant and tried hard to be pleasant. She could not get the machine to work. She suggested I move to another self-service machine and try again. I re-scanned all my shopping. This machine too would not accept my credit card. My stock of pleasantness was running low.

Another assistant suggested I move to one of those check-outs with an assistant in it. I put all my items in my trolley for the third time and moved to another check-out. There was a queue. I was third in the queue or line.

The shopper at the front, a very old lady of a 130 years of age, wanted to pay everything in pennies. She counted all her coins on the counter. Why can't people have their money ready? Or pay by credit card, or do their shopping on-line? There is a limit to my patience and good-will you know!  

The shop assistant was like a dummy with a University Degree in stupidity. She sat there doing nothing. The old lady did not have enough money for her shopping. I decided to take matters in hand.

I left all my shopping on the conveyor belt and moved forward to the front by-passing the young man dressed in lycra pants who was second in the queue.

Don't you hate those close-hugging lycra pants that cling to your body revealing every contour and curve? I don't mind women wearing them ... but men look as if they have hidden some vegetables in the front of their pants!

Anyway, I moved to the front and offered to help the old lady. I felt sorry for her. I suggested I help her put all the shopping she could not afford back on the shelf. The check-out assistant said this won't be necessary. Turned out the old lady had enough money for her shopping and she left.

Then she scanned the second person in the queue. Turned out that lycra man is super modern and wanted to pay using his cell-phone. I did not know you can do that. You type a code on your cell-phone and put the phone next to the credit card paying machine and hey presto you have paid for your shopping. But it was not hey presto ... the cell-phone ran out of electricity or battery or whatever makes it work. He did not have any cash on him. No wonder ... nowhere to put the cash in those tight lycra pants. Not even amongst his vegetables.

He had a credit card. I wonder where he swiped it to pay. He took his shopping and left.

It was now my turn and I was running out of patience, goodwill and kindness towards everyone.

As soon as the check-out assistant picked up my first item her cell-phone rang. Now I think she should have ignored it. She didn't. She spoke in the cell-phone and then burst out crying.

Turned out that her grand-mother had just died. 

Now I don't know how to deal with situations like this. Do I move to another check-out?

I said to her, as kindly as I could, "look miss ... your grand-mother will still be dead in a few minutes from now. Could you perhaps scan my shopping and cry later?"

She cried some more. I mean ... no consideration for the customers these days ... she was crying on my time ... If she did not have a cell-phone she would have been crying later anyway.

Another assistant turned up. They discussed the matter and the second assistant took over and the first one went away. The machine did accept my credit card.

I rushed out as my wife was arriving in the car park. She said she'd been driving round the block for the last half-hour. How long does it take for me to do a little shopping? I am inept and useless.


  1. HaHa! Bless! What did God say...
    "Suffer ALL shoppers, and come unto me"...

    I~LOVE~TO~SHOP...Even my weekly visit to Lidl,
    l make an experience..And, l'm a professional
    shopper..l've educated many Mums/housewives
    on how to shop, and save money..women have 'NO'
    idea on how to shop, and the worst thing to take to
    a supermarket when shopping..Is the kids..! :(.
    That's what the word means..'shopping' or to shop,
    shopping..! Look and compare the prices..compare
    them from the previous weeks..have they gone up
    or down..take yer time..it will save you money..!
    Trust me..l'm an expert..! :O)

    Before l forget Victor...don't forget to find out when
    that assistants Grandma's funeral is..you must
    attend, if not, she won't attend yours..! :).

    I was in Lidl last Sunday, a lady who l'd not seen in
    a while called out to me..could'nt remember her
    name..still can't..she told me she'd lost here husband
    ten months previous...well..well..I asked her if they
    ever found him..HeHe! She slapped my arm, and
    walked off..she never did answer my question..?

    So Victor what's the plan for this afternoon...Rest..! :O)
    ♫♪•*¨*•.¸ðŸ”¥ðŸ’›ðŸ”¥¸.•*¨*•♪♫ ♫♪•*¨*•.¸ðŸ”¥ðŸ’›ðŸ”¥¸.•*¨*•♪♫

    PS..This'll cheer ya up...What..!
    Yesterday l finished yer book..Theodore Luxton~Joyce~~
    ~~Loveable Eccentric..!
    Victor...What can l say..I loved it to bits, What! every word,
    every sentence, every paragraph, and Theodore is 'ME'
    down to a 'T'..well 90% of him...if they ever turned him
    into a film/TV series..I'm the man for the part..! :)
    And the image of him on the front cover..That's how l
    dressed for 40+ years..down to the waistcoat, dicky,
    full hunter, fob, and chain...
    As l've said, l don't read books..book..books that is...
    But! Those 97 pages meant more to me than reading
    'War and Peace'..(not that l ever would)...I love that
    guy..Theodore..he's numero uno...What..! :O).

    1. I am really so pleased that you enjoyed my book, Willie. Thank you ... thank you so much for your kind comment about him. He first appeared as a casual character in one of my books and then somehow developed into a book in his own right. Tell others about him.

      I think he'd make a good cartoon character. But I don't know anyone in the film industry.

      God bless you, Willie.

    2. I have already sent the purchase link, and my
      opinion of the book to most of my contacts...!

      Yes! Most of the contacts l've known at the BBC,
      over the years, people like David Croft, Harold
      Snoad etc..have all gone on now..Leave it with
      me..must be one or two strings l can still pull...!

    3. Thank you so much, Willie. God bless you.

  2. Dearest Victor,
    That was a good and accurate story!
    Those lycra pants sure are ugly on almost anyone, vegetables or not... They are certainly NOT🆒

    1. He really looked ridiculous in those lycra pants. I bet he thought he was God's gift to idiocy.

      God bless you, Mariette.

  3. ...Victor, your mind runs and runs and runs!

    1. Yes I know ... sometimes I cannot type fast enough to get to the end of the story or punch-line.

      God bless, Tom.

  4. What a hilarious - but accurate - illustration of doing Life! (Or trying ...) I loathe the self check-out processes -- almost as much as lycra pants.
    Not enough money? I like to think I'm as charitable as the next person ... but with all the do-gooding going on/written about, I wonder how many of these shoppers don't do so on purpose, just counting on some Good Samaritan to step forward.

    1. As a Good Samaritan I would have put the old lady on my donkey. Only I did not have a donkey at the time.

      As for those self check out - there was nothing wrong with my credit cards because it went through OK when I went to a check out with an assistant. Even though she ended up crying on me. I did not have a clean handkerchief to give her. Only a few sheets of toilet roll paper because I cannot afford paper handkerchiefs.

      As for those lycra pants - I felt tempted to hit him in his vegetables. Accidentally of course.

      God bless, Mevely.

  5. I'm not surprised you lost all your patience, I would too. :)

    1. I want to do my shopping quickly - in and then out. I hate being held up by machines, old ladies wanting to pay in coins or fancy pants with their electronic contraptions.

      God bless, Bill. I'm glad you agree with me.

  6. I couldn’t get past the lycra pants to feel sorry for the crying granddaughter. Standing in line in a store depletes my patience too. It literally makes me want to hit something. I believe with the prices of things now the store could hire more check staff. Have a wonderful day with blessings..

    1. What irritated me most, Nells, is the machines not working. Twice I scanned my shopping on two self-service machines. Then the people in the queue before me taking ages to pay and go.

      God bless always.

  7. Maybe you better order on line and have the groceries delivered and save a lot of aggravation. : ).
    I don't even use the self check out lanes - something always goes wrong!!

    1. Yes, we tried on-line shopping. Quite helpful sometimes. I thought self-check would be quicker !!!

      God bless, Happyone.

  8. To err is human but to really foul things up requires technology like those machines that wouldn't take your card!

    1. That's true, Mimi. We invent technology which makes life more complicated.

      God bless you.



God bless you.