Friday 10 June 2022

I do stand-up

 


There was a young man called Vic
Who gave a hard kick to a brick.
Now what do you know,
Vic injured his toe.
And is hobbling around with a stick.

I went to the dentist. He asked me how I would feel if he gave me an anaesthetic. I told him I wouldn't.

She stood on the burning deck,
Her heart was all a quiver.
She gave a little cough
And her leg fell down the river.

 

Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around and having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.

I'm a hypochondriac. That's what my gynaecologist told me.  

A certain young lady named Lilly
Likes knickers - light pink and frilly.
In winter she wears
Maybe three or four pairs,
To keep her from feeling too chilly.

After a lot of research I decided to write a book on OCD, (obsessive-compulsive disorder). It's taken me ten years and I have now decided on the font.

I bought one of those new memory mattresses. It is now trying to blackmail me!

The one and only time I let my pet sleep with me in bed I woke up the next morning with the bed totally soaked and my goldfish dead.

How to stop porridge sticking to the bottom of the pan. Eat toast.

Happiness is getting home and finding there’s still cheese in the mousetrap.

Ever since I met that man he has been swearing at me, cursing and moaning and whining.

When did you meet him?

Right now when I ran over him in my car.

23 comments:

  1. Suddenly it's....Christmas...2016..Again...! :)
    And why not....?
    “Who hides in a bakery at Christmas”?
    “A mince spy”.

    "What is Santa’s favourite Pizza”?
    “Deep~pan crisp and even”.

    “What do Elves learn at school”?
    “The Elf~abet”.

    "What's the most popular Christmas wine"?
    "I don't like Brussels sprouts".

    "What do vampires sing on New Years Eve"?
    "Auld Fang Syne".

    (To think l used to get paid for writing such rubbish). :).

    And, finaly...as l'm very much a 'sayings' person....
    "May you all have love to share...wealth to spare...and, friends that care".

    Remember....
    “It’s nice to be important...But it’s important to be nice”.

    And....
    "Add life to your days, not days to your life".

    Did you know....
    "It takes 43 muscles to frown...and only 17 to smile".
    So don't just sit there......SMILE! :).

    "And we don't stop laughing because we grow old....
    We grow old because we stop laughing".
    🎅 🤶 🎄...Mary Christmas Every~Body...🎅 🤶 🎄

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Willie. I really like your wise sayings. True friendship is worth a fortune. Keep making us smile.

      God bless you.

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  2. ...keep on laughing, it's good for you!

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    Replies
    1. We all needed cheering up right now.

      God bless, Tom.

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  3. All you need is a snare drum to sound off after each of these and you could go on the road!

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  4. Thanks for the smiles. We are cracking up about the Father and Face Book! Good stuff! ;=)

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    Replies
    1. Amazing what people reveal about themselves on FB and other media.

      God bless, Jack.

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  5. Laughing is great medicine for people. Great stuff, my friend.

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  6. Ha - you nailed me on sharing pictures of my food. (On FB, that is; I don't trust the trolling going on at Instagram.) Good ones, all!

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    Replies
    1. Glad I cheered you up a little Mevely. God bless you and yours.

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  7. More funnies! I love it, Victor.
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Martha. God bless you and family.

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  8. Always enjoy your jokes. : )

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  9. Hubby and I had a good laugh about the leg floating down the river. That’s a good one. Happy weekend from my home to yours.

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    Replies
    1. It's always good to laugh together. God bless you both, Nells.

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  10. Heeheehee! Thanks for the warning about memory foam.

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    Replies
    1. It's good to see you laughing, Mimi. God bless you and yours.

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  11. Dearest Victor,
    Some real good ones, love the laughs at the end of a beautiful day!
    Hugs,
    Mariette

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