I read it in the papers

 

They’re introducing facial recognition in smart phones. I’m guessing many women will have serious problems calling anyone in the mornings.

A Life Insurance representative asked a client if he did any dangerous sports. The client replied that sometimes he talks back at his wife.

Heard in the Divorce Court: A wife told her husband to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So he got drunk. They'd been happily married for 2 years ... 1995 and 2009. He writes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter. They have twin daughters. One named Kate and the other Duplikate. They then had another daughter. The wife didn’t think he'd give this daughter a silly name. But he called her Bluff. 

Scientists are telling people the brain is an App so that they will start using it.

A worker at the local coffee factory drowned in a vat of coffee. It was a terrible way to go, but it was instant.

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

Police are investigating the disappearance of a huge amount of Christmas cakes from a large bakery. A spokesman for the police said that “it was Stollen”.

Latest news is that the Vatican is starting a cheque cashing and money transfer operation. They're going to name it Papal.

 

A chap jumped in the river in Cairo. Local police say he was in de Nile.

 

A local dentist, I Pullem, won Dentist of the Year, and all he got was a little plaque.

 

The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.