Seriously Humourous

 

Did you hear about the stolen dog collar? Police are looking for leads.

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I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought 2.

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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A child asked his mother, "How were people born?" So his mother said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his father, asked him the same question and he told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his mother and said, "You lied to me!" His mother replied, "No, your dad was talking about his side of the family."

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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.   

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Q: Is Google male or female?

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. (Sorry ladies ... only joking. I got my wife's permission to tell you this joke!)

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Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

 Student: "A drinking problem."

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My boss just texted me: "Send me one of your funny jokes!"

I texted him back: "I'm busy working. I'll send one later."

"That's hilarious," he said, "Send another one!"

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My wife has an odd way of starting conversations ...

She always begins by saying, "Hey, are you even listening?"

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A woman was admitted to hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently, she answered the phone whilst she was ironing. The doctor asked her how she burnt the second ear. She replied that it happened when she phoned for an ambulance.

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Two elderly men from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Colin, I'm 93 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Colin replies, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really! Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

AND FINALLY

A few days ago I wrote about talking to a sloth I saw hanging off a lamp post. Some readers questioned my "sanity" about talking to an animal as if he'd understand me. I told my dog about this and we had a good laugh about it.