Henry VIII

 

Pay attention everyone. Today's English history lesson is about King Henry VIII.

Now here's a tip for all of you history enthusiasts. Remember, in English history the answer to any question is more often than not Henry VIII.

Just answer Henry VIII and the chances are you are right. Here are some examples:

Name a popular English King - Henry VIII

Who broke away from the Catholic Church - Henry VIII

Who had his wives killed - Henry VIII

Name a song by Herman's Hermits - I'm Henry VIII I am

What is the capital of England - Henry VIII

Name three ways to cook a potato - Henry VIII, Henry VIII and Henry VIII

In 1509 King Henry VIII was King. He wanted a son as an heir and married six times to make sure his wife got him a son.

His first wife Catherine of Aragon brought him five daughters, (four dead), so he divorced her. She was a Catholic. When Henry VIII divorced her it upset the Pope. Henry created the Church of England with him as head. He got rid of Catholic monasteries but he still worshipped as a Catholic ... and executed those who didn't. (Confused? There's more!)

 

He married Anne Boleyn who also gave him a daughter. She was also friendly with a number of people in the palace so Henry VIII cut off her head and also that of all her lovers too. It is said that Anne Boleyn had an extra finger on one hand and three breasts! Henry accused her of being a witch because of her deformities.

Henry then married Jane Seymour who gave him a son in 1537 but unfortunately she died whilst giving birth.

In 1540 Henry married Anne of Cleves who is said to have been very ugly. The marriage was not consummated, so he divorced her.

In the same year he married Catherine Howard and shortly afterwards chopped her head off too because of her adultery.

 

In 1543 he married Katherine Parr. Now I ask you ... would you have married a man with such a track record? Anyway, by this time Henry VIII was very sick with diseases one gets when they are too friendly (know what I mean?). He died in 1547.

In those days people didn't wash as often as we do today because power showers had not been invented. So in time you could smell their arrival a mile off before they actually arrived. People with big noses suffered the most because they inhaled more of the bad smells. Having a cold was a wonderful relief. To hide their bad smell some people carried apples with cloves in it. Hmmm ... I wonder what smelled worse. A rotten apple in your armpits or the "naturelle smelle" of said body parts.

 

Did you know that during Henry VIII's reign there was a grain famine. He told his people to kill vermin that eat grains like mice, rats, and such like and he will pay them money if they handed the dead creature to the Local Authorities. Amongst the creatures on the list was the kite; a bird of prey. Someone pointed to him that the kite eats mice and birds, not grain. So in a way he was contributing to the war against vermin. Why put him on the list of creatures to be hunted? King Henry VIII reminded the people as to who was King, and the kite remained on the list.

Also, did you know that Henry VIII was short-sighted? His helmet had glass spectacles fitted to them so he could see better. The Tudors were far more advanced than we gave them credit for.

Living in Tudor times was not much fun. TV had still not been invented so people could not watch soaps for hours on end.

In Henry VIII's time football was a favourite pastime played between two villages. The ball was a pig's bladder and they started the game at a mid-point between two villages several miles apart. The idea was to get the ball into your village. The whole village population would play and there were no rules or referee. Anything goes. Just fight everyone else and get the ball to your village. Many people got injured and hurt. In 1540 Henry VIII banned the game because he needed soldiers for his army and too many people were getting injured and maimed playing football.

It was not a healthy time either. They had open sewers in the streets and toilets were a hole in the ground in the back garden. They often emptied chamber pots out of the window onto the people in the streets down below. Hence the phrase "Gardyloo !!!" which roughly translated meant "watch out for the water" (and what's in it) !!!

Umbrellas had yet to be invented; but I bet the Laundry Business was quite successful.

People had very odd cures for illnesses, like swallowing live spiders, covered in butter to make them go down quicker. And swallowing powdered human skulls, or eating bone-marrow mixed with sweat. They also believed in blood-letting. You'd go to the barber and he'd cut you up and let the blood out.

 

I remember a story about a man who went to the barber's once for a haircut. As the barber was working on him the man looked down and saw a human ear on the ground. "Whose ear is that?" he asked.

The barber replied, "Hold it. If it's still warm it's yours!"

Hence the phrase "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!" which is a famous line in the play Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616).  

 

Life for women was terrible in Tudor times. If a woman did not marry she often stayed at home with her parents and spent her time spinning - hence the word "spinster". She could not become a nun since Henry VIII had closed all convents.

Women could be punished by law for nagging and scolding. Women were warned in church to stop nagging and if they continued they were punished by ducking. They were tied to a chair and lowered in the river a few times.

If a woman continued nagging and scolding she was made to wear a metal mask which clamped on the head with a metal bar in her mouth holding her tongue down. She was then paraded in town as a warning to other women.

 

Here's a short video to remind you of the names of Henry VIII's wives.

 

 

  

Halloween Fun

 

Here's a fun trick you can play on Halloween on your spouse or guests. 

I did it a few years ago when I worked in a large block of offices in London. I went to the toilets, both men and women, and put a few drops of washing up liquid, you know ... the one you use for washing plates, dishes and cutlery in the kitchen ... I put a few generous drops in the cistern in each toilet. Just a few drops of super concentrated washing up liquid.

It was great fun when people flushed the toilets and the bowl filled up with bubbles everywhere overflowing onto the floor. 

I stayed in my office giggling silently as news came from all over the building that people were getting millions of bubbles each time they flushed the toilets. 

Some people flush the toilets whilst still sitting on them. They got the shock of their lives when their backsides were covered in soap bubbles.

I even put washing liquid in the main tank feeding the urinals in the men's room. As you know, the urinals flush automatically every few minutes to keep them clean and fresh. Apparently, they flushed whilst some people were standing there and the bubbles foamed all over their trousers. I heard one man seeing the bubbles said that he thought he'd had too much champagne to drink the night before and it was all coming out now.

All in all, great fun was had by me ... and no one else. No one ever suspected who did it. The engineers had a great time trying to discover what was wrong with the system. 

What fun you too can have this Halloween or when you next have guests. It is high time we all had a great sense of humour, don't you think?

How do you ablute?

 

You'd be surprised what people talk about on social media.
I thought I'd share these questions I found the other day;

and my answers.

What do you prefer, a bath or a shower?

I prefer both. I have a bath first and then I shower. Sometimes when I am in a hurry I just sit fully clothed in an empty bath for a few minutes and then get up and get dressed in different clothes. If I have a few minutes to spare I might vacuum clean myself instead.

Do you use soap in the bath or shower or do you use liquid gel or cream?

I use both. It depends on how much of a hurry I am. Sometimes I use tooth paste. To clean my teeth with ... what did you think?

Do you shave before or after you take a shower or bath?

I have a beard and proud of it.

Do you wear your glasses when in the shower or bath?

Of course. How else can one see all the little bits?

Do you sing in the bath or shower?

I sing so well the neighbours have broken all our windows to hear me better. 

Do you bath or shower alone or with your partner?

I understand that some people do indeed bath/shower with their partners. However, if one's partner is not at home one can always invite a friend or neighbour or a complete stranger round. It's called sharing and it is good for the environment because it saves water; especially in a dry weather period. I save water by having my whisky neat.

Do you bath or shower with your pets?

Some people bath or shower with their pets. Not so easy with a goldfish. Or indeed a parrot. I once shared a shower with a wasp. It was a harrowing experience as it got very interested in attacking me after I blasted it with a hot shower jet.

Do you ever use your cell phone in the shower?

Yes often when ordering a pizza or other meal delivered straight into the bathroom. 

Do you watch TV or listen to the radio in the shower or bath?

No ... but I often enjoy ballroom dancing.

Do you read in the shower or bath?

Why can't they make water proof electronic tablets? Or books? I use Audio books instead.

Do you dry yourself with a towel or wear one of those bath robes made of towel material?

I use the hair dryer turned on to a warm blow of air. 

Right ... now over to you. 

Please answer as many questions as you can, 

or add more questions below.

Audience of one

 

Imagine you are a very famous performer; an award winning actor perhaps, or a great singer, or a world class musician playing the piano, violin, or other instrument better than anyone else.

Imagine you are giving a well advertised performance at the Albert Hall in London, or at Carnegie Hall. You stand on the stage and there is only one person in the audience.

What would you do? Would you carry on with your performance or give up and leave?

What if the one person in the audience is very famous; like the King of the UK, or the President of the USA, or someone else very prominent? What would you do then? Would you give the best performance of your life?  

I know that many readers visit this Blog and some leave comments every now and then. Quite a few readers are very loyal and have been visiting here for years; for whom I am very grateful indeed. Even though we have not met in real life, and some have written to me privately, to me you are all great friends and I am glad I met you through the Internet. 

Each one of you, individually, is important to me.

When I write these posts here I often imagine an audience of one. Just you reading this. I ask myself, "I wonder how will X react to this post and what will their comment be?"

By concentrating on just one person it helps me focus on the subject I am writing about and how to choose my words and paraphrase my sentences properly. I don't often succeed, but I try my best not to offend or be misunderstood.

Now let's imagine the only person reading my Blog is Jesus. 

Wow ... what do I write about and how do I write it? 

I hope He has a sense of humour because some of my posts will land me in real trouble.

What if everything I say and do in life is heard and watched by an audience of one - JESUS?

(Gasp ... short period of silence).

Being a Christian is very difficult indeed.

The Sorry Ass,

 

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Enough of that ... The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.

The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL OF THE STORY

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Live Happy

 

LIVE HAPPY 

I don't mean to be flippant with the title of today's post. I do realise that many people have varied problems in life with health issues, financial problems, relationships, employment and so on. And I do pray for as many people that I know including some I have not even met; like you my readers.

By the title "LIVE HAPPY" I mean that as far as possible try to eliminate, or reduce even, the stressors in your life.

We all know what stress does to us physically, mentally and in so many other ways; so there's no need to preach about this. What I am focussing on is how to keep such stress under control.    

Firstly, do you really trust in God? Do you really believe that whatever happens in your life, one day at a time, God will take care of it for you? I mean one day at a time. Not one week or one month ahead.

When the Israelites were in the desert God provided them with manna to eat. They were told to gather enough for one day. Some disobeyed and gathered more than they needed. By the next day the manna had rotted and was full of maggots and it smelled. God was teaching them, and us, to take one day at a time. 

Jesus taught that God will take care of us as He takes care of the birds and the flowers in the field. Can you imagine how calming it is to truly believe that God will take care of whatever happens to you day by day? Try it. I have found it relieves all the stress that life throws at us.

Be your own best friend. I can see some of you wondering what I'm talking about. Often, if a friend asks you for advice you give them your best opinion of what they should do. Try this on yourself.  

Be your own best friend. Ask yourself why you are stressed. Write it down if it helps. Then analyse what you would advise someone if they come to you with this situation.

Do not be afraid or shy to share your problems with someone you can trust, or with medical or other professionals.

I find humour helps me relieve stress. I can't remember how or when it started. But I know I was very young when difficulties came knocking at my door and somehow ... I saw the funny side.    

Music also helps to relieve stress. Choose a piece of music you like or lyrics that have a special meaning to you and play this whenever you can.

I'm sure you know other ways of relieving stress which you can share with our readers here. But most important of all is trusting God, every day, that He will take care of you whatever happens.  

Here's my piece of music ...

Don't look back

 

In Genesis Chapter 19:1-36 we read how Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed. I will not dwell on the story; I'm sure you know it well.

What I want to concentrate upon is Lot's wife. The angels who appeared to Lot advised him to leave the town and escape with his wife and daughters; and not to look back. As they left, Lot's wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.

What is the lesson for us there? It is not necessarily that Lot's wife, (who is nameless in the Bible), disobeyed God's instructions. It is because she looked back and longed for her previous life. She looked back with envy, with longing to be back there in the comfort of her previous life and surroundings and friends. She did not want to move forwards to new horizons and a better future as offered by God.  

Reminiscent of the Israelites when they left Egypt with Moses and wanted to go back to the "comforts" of slavery where they had plenty to eat and drink.

Jesus reminds us about the dangers of looking back when He says, “It was the same in the days of Lot. People were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building. But the day Lot left Sodom, fire and sulphur rained down from heaven and destroyed them all. It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. On that day no one who is on the housetop, with possessions inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. Remember Lot’s wife! Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it.” Luke 17:28-30

And again, in Luke 9:62 we read:  Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plough and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

There are many people in difficult situations right now and who are afraid to move forwards. It could be a wrong relationship, an abusive environment, addiction, wrong employment, being with a bad crowd, the wrong place in life altogether. And yet, one is afraid to move forwards and to try something new. To walk away and start afresh. People become too cosy, too comfortable, in the situation they are in to bother to move on and forwards hand in hand with God.

I appreciate that many cannot leave their present situations for a variety of reasons; and if so, they need to seek professional advice. But besides that, how many are there who can move on and start afresh and do not do so. Perhaps because of inertia or because they look back with longing for what they are about to leave behind if they move on.

God loves us; and He often speaks to us, opening doors and opportunities to move on, to change, to step forwards in blind faith that He will not let us down; and not to hang on to a situation that has gone wrong. By all means, we can look back and learn from our past; but it does not mean we should remain in our past.    

That's what Lot's wife did. She wanted to remain in her past. She looked back and longed to be there again.

God will sometimes lead us to new beginnings. When it is Him speaking He makes sure we know it is Him. Let us listen to His quiet still voice urging us to move on when He calls us. We are always in life in the very place that God wishes us to be; but there are times when He calls us for something new in His service.

Is anyone listening?

Pocket Sermons

 

ISBN 9798269403045 

 

 

POCKET SERMONS - ISBN 9798269403045

By Victor S E Moubarak

POCKET SERMONS are a collection of short Christian-based articles which do not preach to you but will make you think, question, and consider what you believe in and why you believe it.

Written in an easy to follow style this book will explore various topics for you to ponder about and meditate on.

Such as why do we need to pray and how long should we wait for an answer to our prayers? 

Why did Jesus heal people when He was on earth? 

Was He a human or a God? 

How can the Trinity be three persons in one?

Why did God test Abraham about killing his son Isaac? 

Why does God not speak to us clearly as He did when speaking to Moses?

Can we really love one another as Jesus loves us? 

Are we pre-destined in our lives to do what God wants? If we go our own way and ignore God, is that His will or ours? 

Why do so many people leave the Church and Christianity altogether?

Each subject discussed will encourage you to analyse issues relevant to today’s society and the way we live in an ever changing world. 

This book is ideal as a Birthday or Christmas present. Perhaps you know someone for whom this book would be suitable. If so, then please spread the Word and encourage them to discover God in their lives. 

Also, if you can, please promote this book amongst your readers on social media; and leave an AMAZON Review. Thank you. 

POCKET SERMONS are sermons which do not preach 

but prompt you to think.

AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK, KINDLE AND AUDIO VERSIONS

AMAZON LINK HERE 

What do you do in bed?

We cannot go long without sleeping. If you deprive yourself of sleep for up to 18 hours the body would react as if you're drunk. 

Scientists have yet to discover why we sleep. Some believe that the body re-generates whilst we're asleep, but this is not proven conclusively. Some people in fact have been known to degenerate whilst in bed but the least said about this the better.

Scientists have proved however that we actually use up energy whilst we're asleep. We in fact use up enough calories equivalent to a small bar of chocolate. So you can have a bar of chocolate for breakfast every morning and you've made up your weight loss.

It is estimated that up to 70% of us have actually eaten at least one spider in our lifetime whilst asleep in bed. Yes ... we sleep with our mouths open and that attracts spiders apparently who attempt to build a web on the mouth opening and fall in. 

I read this on the web; so it must be true!

Usually when we're asleep we have to wake up in the night to go to the bathroom. No one knows why we do this; because more often than not we do not have a full tank to be emptied anyway. It seems to be just an annoyance to wake us up so that we can annoy our partners by making a noise whilst we go to the bathroom and flush the toilet.

It is not clear what is the etiquette when you are a visitor in someone's house. Do you flush the toilet in the middle of the night or not? Risking waking up the entire family?

What if it is a Number 2? Do you flush the toilet then or not?

What if your hosts wake up and go to the bathroom and find your deposit there un-flushed? You can hardly deny it is yours? What is the normal thing to do in these circumstances?

Animals and birds need sleep too. Some of them wake up in the night to go to the bathroom. The bat is so lazy it does it whilst hanging upside down from a tree and then wonders what's in its eye!

Fish go to sleep with their eyes open because they have no eyelids. That's why they get water in their eyes and can't blink it out. 

It is a well known fact that some people walk in their sleep. Yep ... they get up in the night and walk in their sleep. 

A friend of mine even swims in his sleep. He gets up at night and goes out in the garden for a swim. Unfortunately he does not have a swimming pool so he lies on the ground and flaps his arms and legs like a fish out of water. In the morning he wonders why he has mud all over his pyjamas.

I know someone who walks in his sleep and goes downstairs and writes himself threatening letters which he then goes out to post in the post box nearby. A few days later he gets upset at receiving the threatening letters.

He went to the police with the letters. They all said the same thing: "If you don't stop sleeping with my wife I'll sort you out good and proper!"

The police told him to stop sleeping with the man's wife. He said, "Can't you see? None of the letters are signed!"

Most of us dream whilst we're asleep. 

I remember when in London my neighbour rang me in the middle of the night complaining that my horse was in her garden. I was half-asleep so I apologised.

The next morning I realised that I had no horse. So I went round and told her so. She said it was a nightmare!

I often wake up refreshed in the morning. I go down stairs to prepare breakfast and I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. Is she grateful? No! She says she'd rather have it in a cup.

Some people take their pets with them in bed to sleep. I only did this once. The next morning the bed was totally wet and my goldfish had died.

It is often suggested that if you can't sleep you should count sheep. I used to do that. But now I just lie there in bed considering safety risk assessments. Are the sheep safely tucked away in their pens? Has the gate been left open? Are they safe from predators? Have they had their health checks by the vet?

I talked to my psychiatrist about my lack of sleep. He told me that his wife is a psychiatrist too. He suggested a group therapy session with him and his wife, and with me and mine.

I am rather uncomfortable about this arrangement because our bed is not big enough for the four of us.

Innovative Ideas

 

Every so often I like to scour the Internet in search of new ideas and innovations which I can share with you, my dear readers, to make your life better.

Today, I would like to introduce you to a gadget not often used by modern society, yet it is the greatest invention ever made.

Drum roll ... ... ... 

THE SPOON REST 

No kitchen should be without it. Imagine you are busily cooking and stirring from one pot to another and you want to place your spoon somewhere. You can't put it on the table, it will leave sauce or food all over the place. You can't throw it in the sink and pick up another spoon. It will add to the washing up afterwards. What do you do?

You use the spoon rest. No chef should be without one; or more than one. A spoon rest for every spoon you use in the kitchen whilst cooking.

Do you know that before spoon rests were invented people used to put their spoons behind their ears like a pencil. Hardly hygienic is it? Or they used to put the spoon in their top jacket pocket. Imagine the mess on their best woollen or Burberry suits.

The answer to that everlasting culinary dilemma is to have a spoon rest at hand. Or more than one.   

They come in various colours and materials - porcelain, steel, wood, plastic and even gold-plated silver.

No self-respecting chef or cook should be without one. 

Buy a spoon rest now and may your spoons rest in peace.

Grandparents

 

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. 

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. 

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. 

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. 

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. 

My grand-kids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. 

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. 

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. 

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. 

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. 

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. 

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. 

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. 

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.

Why Heaven?

 

It seems everyone wants to get to Heaven. Even those who do not believe in God; given a choice they'd rather go to Heaven than have their backside roasted in Hell for eternity.

What is Heaven? 

Jesus taught us that it is a place. It is more than just a state of being. It is a physical place and we will be there in our resurrected bodies as well as our souls. Jesus described Heaven as a mansion with many rooms; and that He was going there to prepare a place for us.

A lot of people imagine Heaven as a big palace where they get to stay for eternity and enjoy all the amenities, comfortable living, indoor and outdoors swimming pools, a gymnasium, cinema lounge and whatever else they imagine it to be.

They imagine Heaven as a place to be in without considering why they should be there.

The reality is that Heaven is a place where we go to meet Someone. To meet God who created us, and who loves us and wishes us to be there.

So if someone does not believe in God, he will hardly go to Heaven regardless of how good he has been in life. 

If someone has been an obnoxious pain in the **** all his life; what makes him think that God would want to spend eternity with him?

You cannot wish your way into Heaven.

This is worth repeating: You cannot wish your way into Heaven.

There are people who believe they are good really, and perhaps they are, and that by living life as best they can this will be enough for them to go to Heaven. They wish they'll be there one day. This is false hope based on false teaching. 

To go to Heaven one must believe in God our Father; and love and obey Him; and follow Jesus to show us the way.  

"Not everyone who calls me 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but only those who do what my Father in Heaven wants them to do." Matthew 7:21.

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

It seems simple enough. One should either believe it or claim that Jesus is a liar. 

What is Satan's most effective weapon?

 

WHAT IS SATAN'S MOST EFFECTIVE WEAPON?

PLEASE CLICK HERE 

Hello Father ...

 

Hello ... is this St Vincent Church?

I would like to speak to Father Donald please ... ...

Not Father Mark ... he is a little frightening at times ... I find him intimida ... ...

Oh it's you Father Mark !!! Hello ...

Ehm ... I'm sorry about what I said just then ... Will I need to confess it as a sin? No ... oh good ...

Well ... what I wondered is ... ... you know your housekeeper ... Yes ... Mrs Nightingale ... yes ... well ... do you think she has my sausages?

My sausages! You see, I am at home cooking breakfast ... fried eggs and bacon with baked beans and no sausages ...

Yes ... I have no sausages ... and I wondered if Mrs Nightingale had them and cooked them for you and Father Donald for breakfast?

I was at the butcher this morning ... you see ... Ivor Funnybone ... do you know them?

They are in the High Street next to the pub The Drunken Bishop ... ...

Yes ... I'm about to get to the point ... don't intimidate me please! It makes me worried when you shout ... 

OK ... yes ... I have calmed down.

Well ... the butcher ... he makes lovely pork sausages ... chipolatas. That's the name of the sausages ... Have you ever tried them?

Yes ... I'm getting there ... Well ... I got half a pound of chipolatas and then on my way home I came in the Church.

I sat at the back ... and it was about the end of the Mass. Is it a sin to come at the end of the Mass rather than the beginning?

Well ... I stayed there and said a prayer whilst the two or three people in church went home ... then I left too.

When I got home I did not have my chipolatas ... I may have left them on the pew ... the last one at the back on the left.

Well ... I thought perhaps Mrs Nightingale may have found them when she was cleaning the church and fed them to you and Father Donald?

Why are you angry with me, Father? I was only asking ... ...

OK ... after I have had my breakfast ... without the chipolatas ... I'll come over to church and ask Mrs Nightingale if she found them.

Will you be there? No? You'll be out? For how long? I thought I'd say "hello" whilst I'm there ... You'll be out for a month?  OK ... I'll say "hello" now then ... and "goodbye!"

I hope you are not angry with me, Father ... Father ... He's hung up!

Who knows your nose?

 

One thing's for sure. We all have different noses. But we don't notice them. Here they are whenever we meet someone, they have a nose and we miss it - under our very nose so to speak.

Big noses, small noses, pointy ones, long ones and short ones too, round red ones and all sorts of noses; and we hardly notice them. We turn our nose at them.

Here are some facts about noses:

• It is estimated that approximately 20,000 litres of air pass through the average adult’s nose every single day.
• People with turned-up noses like Miss Piggy could drown when it rains.
• There are 14 different types of noses; yet everyone can be nosey if they want to.
• Studying medicine you can specialise in noses. A friend of mine is a specialist in nostrils - just the left one. Ask him anything about the right nostril and he's totally ignorant.
• Noses are essential otherwise your spectacles would fall off.
• The nose will continue to grow as you age. While it will reach its main shape by the time you are 19, it will still lengthen and droop downwards more noticeably as time goes on. If you live long enough you'll look like an elephant. 
• The nose and sinuses produce mucus to protect the lungs from bacteria, viruses, and certain particles in the air.
• The nose produces nearly one whole litre of mucus each day – which you then swallow!
• A dwarf I know has been thrown out of a nudist camp because he could not keep his nose out of peoples' private business.

Antony and Cleopatra (and all that).

 

Please settle down and pay attention. Time for your history lesson. 

This time we will learn about the Romans and Ancient Egypt; and Antony and Cleopatra.

Cleopatra was a beautiful Queen or Pharaoe of Egypt who ruled until around 30 BC. At the time the Roman Empire was large and strong and was ruled by Julius Caesar. She got to meet him and after a few dinners and coffee they became great friends. Enough said.

After Julius Caesar was assassinated in 44 BC the Roman Empire was ruled by three triumvirates, which means three rulers. They were strong generals and leaders of the Romans called Mark Antony, Lepidus and Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus the legal heir of Julius Caesar. 

Talking of heirs - there was also a bald ruler in Mesopotamia who was distressed that although he was very rich he had no children to inherit. 

One day he cried out loud "Why is it that despite my riches I have no heir?" 

Someone bought him a wig which inherited the whole kingdom after his death. 

Eventually, the people got fed up being ruled by a wig so they deposed him (or it) and were ruled by a ruler instead - that's a real ruler, not one made of plastic or wood used for measuring things. 

Back to Cleopatra and the three triumvirates - Mark Antony, Lepidus and Julius Caesar. They were rivals and jealous of each other. 

One day Caesar held a big party on his ship out at sea and had invited Mark Antony and Lepidus. As happens at parties, after a few vinos Mark Antony and Lepidus got rather drunk and no doubt started singing "O Sole Mio"; a well known Roman song at the time which was Number 1 in the POP music charts for weeks on end. 

This particular song had been made famous by a protégé of Julius Caesar, the singer Maximilius Tonsilitis the Fifth, also known as MTV.

Anyway, one of Caesar's helpers whispered in his ear: "Both of your rivals are drunk. If we were to throw them overboard by accident you'd be left to rule the Empire alone."

After cleaning his ear from the man's spit Caesar replied: "If you had done this without telling me, I would have rewarded you greatly afterwards. But now you told me, I cannot sanction such an act."

Which goes to show that opportunity spits in your ear every now and then; and if you fail to take it you just end up with the spit.

So from then on, Cleopatra sided with Mark Antony instead of the rightful heir Caesar.

Their first meeting was in Egypt when Cleopatra sailed down the Nile in her royal barge and Mark Antony was on the shore and was astounded by her great beauty. His knees trembled at the sight.

Antony's lieutenant Enobarbus, once described Cleopatra's charms by saying: "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety. Other women cloy the appetites they feed, but she makes hungry where most she satisfies."

Which loosely translated means she's for ever young with no wrinkles except the one she sits on.

Historians believe that the reason Cleopatra had such smooth skin is because she bathed in asses milk. I tried doing the same to help my complexion but the supermarket did not have asses milk. They had buffalo milk, goat milk, chocolate and strawberry flavoured milk; but they'd just ran out of asses milk. Try bathing in chocolate milkshake and see what happens!

Well, as I said, Mark Antony felt his knees tremble at the sight of Cleopatra and invited her out for coffee. One  thing led to another and enough said about that too. They had smiles on their faces for ever after.

One day after a heavy defeat in battle, Mark Antony committed suicide.

Cleopatra was so distraught by it all that she put an asp to her breast. An asp ... not an ass or a donkey which is altogether a different creature too heavy to lift to one's breast.

An asp is another word for snake. Why did the snake not bite her hand and waited until he was at her breast? We'll never know. 

And sadly, that's how Cleopatra died.

Years later Shakespeare wrote a play about it all and then a film was made with Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. 

Please let me know if you wish me to research and teach more history lessons here. What period interests you the most?

Silence in Court

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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Q: Where did the accident take place?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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Q: Constable, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your counsellor?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?

A: Ok.

Q: What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

NOTE: These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court."