Doing my bit

 

There's so much talk these days about saving the environment, helping the planet, reducing our carbon footprint, plastic waste, global warming, climate change and similar slogans that mean very little to most people.

We did not have all this when we were young. The planet seemed able to look after itself without our interference. 

The other day I was in the library standing by the Natural History section reading a book. A man approached me and said, "Do you realise that whilst you've been standing here they have pulled down 25 square miles of rain forest?"

So I moved somewhere else. I don't want to be blamed for the deforestation of any forest. 

I sat at a table reading. The man next to me was reading a book on World Population. Apparently, there's over 8 billion of us. He was reading a chapter on births and deaths. He told me, "Do you know, every time I breath in and out a person dies." I suggested he uses a better mouthwash.

In my own minuscule way, I am doing my bit to save the planet.

I have now decided to wash only half of my car at a time. Some weeks I wash the left side, other weeks the right side of the car. I plan beforehand where I'll be parking my car and whether people on the side-walk will see the left or right side of the vehicle. I'm saving water, soap, and ultimately the planet.

I've also decided to stop adding ice or water in my whisky. I drink it neat saving more water.

I often look at people from on top of my spectacles to save wearing out the lenses.

I used to walk home following the route the bus would take from town in order to save money. Now I follow the route the taxi would have taken and save even more money.

When people ask me for help or favours I usually make an excuse and ignore them thus saving the energy it would take in doing what they want or need. My wife is particularly upset about this; but I ignore her for the sake of the planet.

So you see, all this saving the planet and the environment talk is good as far as I'm concerned because I can get away from doing a lot of chores. Like painting the fence and gate - I said let's save some paint and do the job in a year or so. Like mowing the lawn - let's save electricity and not use the lawnmower that often; how about doing it next month. Like visiting the in-laws - let's save some gas and do it next year.

If you put your mind to it there's a lot of jobs you can postpone and procrastinate on in the name of saving the planet! What do you think?

As I Quote Myself

... ... after the evening meal, my boss, a woman in her early thirties, went up to her room. Before she left the table she asked me discretely to follow her a few minutes later. She gave me a duplicate plastic card to use in that contraption which opens the hotel room door. She said she wanted to discuss my annual appraisal report.

I was hesitant at first. I sipped my coffee slowly to waste time and to gather enough courage to decide what to do. My boss was not one to argue with. When she said, “Jump” we replied, “How high”, rather than question her request – or should I say her command.

A few minutes later I entered her room and it was empty. I said loudly, "Hello ... anyone here?"

Her voice replied from the bathroom, "I'm in the shower. Come in!"

I was astounded and frightened at this request which, as I said earlier, sounded more like a command.

My boss had a certain reputation amongst the office gossip grapevine but I never quite believed it. It seemed that now was the time for me to sample such a reputation.

I did not know what to do, especially since my future career at this firm depended so much on her and her appraisal of me. I hesitated for a while.

"Get a move on," she cried impatiently from the bathroom, "I'm not going to wait all night!"

Those were her exact words; I still remember them clearly. She obviously meant business and my future life flashed in front of my eyes.

I was totally confused. I sought guidance from my abbreviated Catechism which I carried in my pocket but I could not find an answer in a hurry. They really should have a better index in those books.

I took off my jacket and put it on the back of the chair. Then I took off my shoes. I had a big hole in one of my socks!

Before I could go on any further she came out of the bathroom fully clothed and speaking on her cell-phone. Apparently you get a better reception in the shower than anywhere else in her hotel room.

"Why have you taken your shoes off?" she asked.

"I did not want to dirty the carpet!" I replied unconvincingly.

I wonder if she believed me. Fortunately I got a good annual appraisal although she did say I often get the wrong end of the stick.

 *******

AS I QUOTE MYSELF is not a biography of a famous celebrity, or other well known personality telling you how they made it good from extreme poverty to being as successful as they are today. Instead, these are the memoirs of someone you’ve probably never heard of, (unless you’re related to him), but yet with a story to tell.

A series of calamities and misfortunes with humourous outcomes which are sure to make you smile, if not laugh out loud. At least that’s what he hopes! AS I QUOTE MYSELF are the memoirs of no one in particular except the one from whose memories they originate.

*******

AMAZON REVIEWS

*****  Victor's imagination knows no bounds! Were I only to possess a kernel ... but will be content to applaud from the sidelines. Myra G.

*****  I was first introduced to Victor's work in the blogging world. I was so enamored with his great sense of humor, that I never hesitated when he announced this book on his blog, "Time for Reflections". It is so refreshing to read a humorous book filled with wit and humor without the need to spice it up with vulgar language or sexual undertones. Victor shows us, page after page, life is quite humorous -especially when you don't mind making yourself the brunt of the joke. An easy to read - delightful page turner - Victor has once again hit a home run with this little charmer! LJC.

*****  I did not know that as the author of this book I could leave a review; but I tell you folks, my memoirs made me laugh so much I had to write them sitting down. A book not to be missed especially if you are throwing it at someone. Makes an ideal Christmas or Birthday present to someone you don't like. A book with non-boomerang qualities. Will not return when thrown. The only book in the world written slowly to make it last longer. Not edible but can be grilled or barbecued safely. Victor S E Moubarak.

AVAILABLE FROM AMAZON in Paperback, Kindle version as well as Audiobook and Alexa.

AMAZON LINK HERE 

Who's watching you?

 

There's a rumour going round here, from a friend who studies outer-space and visitors from other planets, that aliens from other worlds have landed here and are able to take the form of animals in our homes and farms. A bit like the shape shifter named Odo in Star Trek. Do you remember Odo? He could change his shape into anything or anyone.

Well, according to my friend, Ivor Anomaly, space aliens have landed on our planet years ago and take the shape of our pet dogs, cats or farm animals; parrots even, or birds in your garden. This way they infiltrate our lives and observe us quietly and send back information to their mother-ship parked nearby in the shape of a tree, trash bin or even a fire hydrant. Just like the telephone box in Doctor Who's Tardis.

Have you noticed how sometimes your dog would look at you intently with his head tilted to one side? He is gathering information ready to transmit to his colleagues nearby; like the recipe of your favourite cookies whilst you're baking, or the items on your shopping list.

Ivor warns us to be careful whilst undressing in front of our pets. They look confused at first and think that we are shedding our outer skin; yet all the time they are transmitting all they see to their spy satellite nearby. Also, never take a shower or have a bath with your pet dog or cat watching you. It may well confuse him and send the wrong information to his colleagues.

Another friend of mine is convinced that his new memory mattress is in fact a shape shifter from another planet because the mattress is now blackmailing him about who he had in his bedroom. 

Mrs Fathead from 15 Acacia Avenue down the road told me that her dog turned her husband into French fries and then ate him off the dining room table whilst she was on the phone. She hasn't seen her husband since they had a row that very morning.

There is as yet no evidence that shape shifters can look like inanimate objects like your clothing, or shoes, or the lamp stand. But people are wondering how sometimes you seem to have lost your car keys, spectacles, TV remote control and other things; and they are not where you last left them. Is it a space alien moving from one place to another, one wonders? 

In summary, be careful around your pets as they may not be what they seem. Were you there at their birth? How can you be sure they are not from outer-space?

Experiencing the walk

 

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshipped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:22-33

At the top of this Blog I have the saying: It is no point having faith in a Master who walks on water if we do not trust Him enough to follow Him.

It is a reminder that to be a follower of Jesus we really have to trust Him with everything that happens in our lives.

Peter experienced that walk on water. To him it was real, not a dream or a hallucination. It was something that happened to him and was witnessed by others; and it was considered important enough to be written about for us to read so many years later. To Peter, that experience will remain with him for the rest of his life. He actually walked on water.

But then he hesitated, he got frightened, and began to sink.

Just like us really. We claim to have faith in Jesus, and in God, and at the slightest difficulty in life we tend to lose faith.

Jesus asks us to come to Him through the ups and downs in our lives. Have we the courage and faith to trust that He will support us in all circumstances?  

If we look back over our life, there must have been moments when we knew for certain that God was there for us at times of trouble or difficulties. These are landmarks serving as reminders that our Lord and Master was there for us. Our own walking-on-water moments. 

Let these landmarks sustain us at times when we too hesitate and start sinking. Let them remind us to pray, "Lord, save me!" Just like Peter did. 

And let them renew our faith that He is truly the Son of God.

I believe

 

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

WEBSITE

The Gift

 

If someone gives you a gift and you don't open it, it just remains a package wrapped in colourful paper. It only becomes a gift when you open it, appreciate it, and perhaps say thank you to whoever gave it to you.

A box that has not been opened is not a gift.

God gave us the gift of eternal life. Let us consider this:

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

He so loved us ... loved us beyond measure and compare ... that He gave His only Son for us. Can you imagine that? Would you give your only son as a sacrifice for others?

But there is a condition to God's gift of His Son. "... that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." We need to accept this gift of eternal life by believing in Jesus as the Son of God.

Many people have heard of Jesus and put Him at the back of their mind. Didn't give Him another thought. That's like having an unopened gift somewhere in the house. They could not care less about it never mind appreciate it and be thankful for it.

To accept God's gift of eternal life we must believe in Jesus. 

The quote from John 3:16 says plainly that those who do not accept the gift will perish. Read it again carefully.

Those who do not believe in Christ shall perish. By that, it does not mean that when they die their soul will die too. No ... every soul is immortal and will go on for eternity. By perish, it means here that the soul will go on living in the absence of God.

If Heaven is spending eternity in the presence of God, then Hell is existing in the absence of God.

Now I know that some of my readers will mock and laugh at what I say. Never mind. The gift is still there should they care to open it and be thankful for it.

My first dates

 

Do you remember your first date? Was it romantic? Did stars twinkle in the sky and soft music fill the air?

I guess the dating scene has changed over the years. If I was dating today I'd just phone for a pizza to be delivered and open a couple of cans of beer. Saves the hassle of having to dress up and put on a tie. 

I remember my first date. I wanted to impress and there was a new McDonald's in town. I rang them to make a reservation and they said that I cannot book a table in advance. So I went to another fast food restaurant nearby which I knew would have a table because it was always empty. People just went in for a quick take-out meal and left. As we sat there I soon realised I made a mistake. I was not impressed by their wine list, because they did not have any. No waiter service either. The girl at the counter said she'd wrap my fish and chips in a paper bag and I was invited to sit at a table in the corner. She also suggested a couple of cans of soft drinks.

First dates are difficult because I do not know what to say. Do I ask direct questions like what is your opinion about the rate of inflation compared to the GDP of the country at this point in time?

Or do I go for something more subtle like, what is your favourite colour? Do you believe there are animals in Heaven and what would you say if you met a KFC you had for lunch? 

First dates are important because it is an opportunity to get to know the other person better. I usually show great interest in the lady I am dating and ask her questions about herself. Like, do you have a criminal record? Did you finish your education and go to University? How much are you earning? 

I must admit, I have not been very successful with this line of questioning. I guess the ladies I dated were too shy to talk about themselves. 

I said to a date once, "Do you know that my uncle invented the colour mauve? He was in a shop with his wife and she picked up a garment and asked him what colour it was. He was in a hurry to get home so he said, "Come on ... move!" She said, "That's a lovely colour, mauve!"

I told another girl, "My uncle discovered the East Pole. He could not pin it down because it kept moving away from him as the earth rotated. When he went to the North Pole he sat on a block of ice and took photos of the scenery - he developed Polaroids!"

That line of conversation did not work either. So I tried chat-up lines.

I was once fortunate to date a well-to-do young lady who liked horse riding and competed at events. I said to her "Marry me Celestine and I’ll never look at another horse again!" For some reason she slapped my face and I never saw her after that.

Another young lady had a beautiful petite nose, so to compliment her I said, "Did you pick your nose yourself, or were you born like that?" Another slap in the face and a no-show after that.

Other lines used unsuccessfully were:

"Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!"

"If I were a cat I'd spend all 9 lives with you."

"Please call 9-1-1, because you just made my heart stop!"

"Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first." (Borrowed from Groucho Marx).

I guess women were not interested in me.

Until one day ... ... ...

How about your first dates? 

Going to church with Rain Man

 

I recently went to church with a young autistic lady aged about twenty and her mother.

The young girl behaves and acts very much like Rain Man (Raymond Babbitt) in the Dustin Hoffman film of that name.

We were not at Mass. This was an evening meeting where we had a visiting speaker going on for hours on end discussing missionary work in various countries around the world.

The young lady’s mother left her with me and went to the kitchen just by the Sacristy to help prepare the teas and coffees and other refreshments for after the talk is over.

The talk started and the young lady’s mother had not returned, so we sat down and listened to the visiting speaker relating stories from various far off lands.

It was a very hot summer’s evening; and after a few minutes of sitting there, the hardness of the wooden church pews combined with the humid stickiness of the atmosphere to create a very uncomfortable feeling in the Southern regions of the human anatomy.

To be fair, my companion stayed quiet throughout the long ordeal although it was obvious she was getting a little uncomfortable and tired with the monotony of it all.

Eventually the visiting speaker stopped and the priest asked us to stand up for final prayers.

As we stood up I noticed that the woman in the pew just in front of me must have been wearing a thong. Either that, or she was not wearing any underwear at all. The reason I say this, apart from its obviousness, is that as she stood up her delicate flowing skirt got caught or wedged within the crack of her voluptuous derriere revealing its ample contours and curvatures.

Now normally one would tend to ignore such a distraction and look the other way; and believe me I tried; even though she was standing only inches in front of me. But what was an unexpected distraction for me became something completely different to my young lady friend. For her this was not right at all.

To my horror, she lent forward and carefully pulled out the skirt from whence it was caught.

Surprisingly, the woman in front of me did not feel a thing and did not react whatsoever.

I shook my head violently and whispered to my friend to leave it as it is.

To my double horror and near heart-attack she proceeded to lean forward once again and replace the skirt in its previously wedged position.

This time the woman felt someone touching her particular sunset; she turned round suddenly to see me standing right behind her and my companion busily reading the hymn book she’d picked up.

She was about to slap my face when she suddenly remembered where she was.

She sat down promptly and said nothing.

We waited until prayers were over and everyone was leaving. I asked my young friend to go and help her mother in the kitchen, and then I tried to explain to the unfortunate woman what had happened and that it was not really me who tried to do what I did not do.

I doubt she believed me and she left without saying another word.

And that’s another confession I’ll have to explain to my priest. He said once he looks forward to my confessions as he’s never laughed so much in his life.

Death wish

 

I have some sad news to relate as well as being in need of some advice.

An acquaintance of mine has recently died. To call him a friend would be a bit of an exaggeration. He lived a few houses down the road. We used to be nodding acquaintances. That is, whenever we met in the street, we nodded at each other and said, "Good morning, Good evening, Hello, Good bye," and such like words out of politeness.

He died a few weeks ago and I did not know anything about it. I had not seen him for some time and had assumed that he moved to another town or was perhaps on holiday.

The first I heard of his demise was when I received a letter from a local firm of solicitors.  

I went to their offices as invited and sat there solemnly whilst an elderly dust covered lawyer read this deceased acquaintance's last will and testament.

Anyway, this deceased ex-neighbour from down the road, with no doubt a pickled brain, did not have much to his name whilst alive, but what he had, he left it all to me.

Namely: His prized collection of Madagascar hissing cockroaches.

At first, I did not know what a Madagascar hissing cockroach was. The aged solicitor explained and said that the collection consisted of some thirty or so wonderful specimens.

In my naivety, I thought that I could take possession of these carcasses and then donate them to the local science museum, or some other entomological association. But when they arrived in their glass tank I became the proud owner of thirty-seven live hissing revolting creatures all running around their glass enclosure wondering who I am.

I will not describe the scene in our household when these uninvited guests arrived. Suffice it to say that relationships have been strained to breaking point. The delivery man was not interested in my dilemma. All he wanted was my signature and then he fled never to be seen again.

The tank was deposited in our entrance hall, on a table, where it still rests to this day. With their arrival was a note on how and when to feed them. Apparently, they eat fresh vegetables and dry dog food pellets.

And that's where I need your advice my friends. How can I get rid of thirty-seven live, uninvited, unwanted, unwelcome, bequeathed Madagascar hissing cockroaches?

Do you want any? 

Beware - Catholic Jokes ahead

 

Hi everyone,

If like me you're a Catholic, you can either enjoy these jokes privately or you can disapprove by shaking your head at me. But whatever you do, do not tell my priest or the Pope about this post.

If you're not a Catholic, you can perhaps smile at us. For example, what is it with the Catholics about Sunday collections? Sometimes they pass the plate round twice, on one occasion they passed it round three times at one Mass. Our church has now installed a "payment by Credit/Debit card" machine. I am waiting for Confessions by email next. 

Anyway, here goes ...

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Mary declares, "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Mary repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!' "

************************************ 

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law then." 

**************************************

A farmer goes to his priest and asks if he would conduct a funeral for his dead sheepdog. Obviously the priest refuses. The farmer is distraught and asks, "Tell me Father ... do you think if I go to the Anglican church down the road the vicar there would do the funeral for $100?"

The priest replies, "Wait a minute my good man ... you did not tell me the dog was Catholic!" 

************************************* 

I remember as a young man going to confession; it was such a long time ago. I told the priest that a young lady and I had been amorous and we were not married. It was a mortal carnal sin, I believe.

The priest was shocked out of his cassock.

"That is terrible," he said, "terrible ... terrible is the word for it. Tell me, was it with Eileen from the butcher's shop?"

"No ..." I replied.

"In that case ... was it with Sophie from the baker's down the road?" he asked again.

"No Father ... it was not her," I said hesitantly.

"Or was it with Doris who works at the candlestick maker?" he persisted.

In fact it was not with any of the young girls he mentioned but he gave me some good leads in that confession.

 

*************************************** 

Once upon a time there was a priest who used a bicycle to go everywhere in his parish in order to save money and to save the planet. He even cycled all the way to another town when he had to see the bishop.

One day his bicycle was stolen. He rang the bishop to explain why he could not visit.

The bishop suggested that on Sunday he delivers a sermon on the Ten Commandments. "Read each Commandment in turn," he advised, "and then talk a little about each one. When you get to the seventh Commandment shout out loud THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, and then watch the congregation to see if anyone winces or shrinks in his seat, or looks down shamefully, or tries to leave. He is your thief."

The following week the priest cycled to the bishop. The bishop greeted him and said, "I see you got your bicycle back. Did you catch the thief?"

The priest replied, "actually, when I got to the sixth Commandment, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle!"

 

OK ... enough of that. I see our Deacon is visiting us. He's just got off his bike and is walking up our drive. I'd better stop now.  

Keep smiling my friends. God bless.

Song Saves Twenty Babies

BACKGROUND - Father Francis Maple is a Franciscan monk who celebrated his 60th Anniversary as a priest in 2023. (Click his name for website link).

Some years ago Father Francis recorded a Pro-Life song entitled A Cry from the Heart which was released originally on casette tapes and later on CDs. 

The song has saved many babies from abortion. Their pregnant mothers heard the song and decided not to proceed with abortion.

Years later Father Francis met a young boy who told him that his mother heard the song when pregnant and decided not to have an abortion. The boy said he owed his life to the priest. Father Francis has received over 20 other similar testaments of babies being saved.

I've put this and other Father Francis Maple songs on You Tube - Check them out HERE.

Father Francis has sung in public over the years in malls, shopping centres, bus stations and at his own concerts and has raised over £1m for charity. 

He has also written several books (sermons, cooking recipes, jokes), and has contributed to many newspaper columns and Catholic newspapers and magazines. He has spent a lot of time travelling throughout the UK leading Missions in various churches.

Mommy keep me safe, mommy keep me warm

Handle me with care, mommy help me to form.

I am ten weeks old, and I know the time will come
when you will give birth to me.

The gift you gave to me are a pair of bright blue eyes
So some day I will see you smile and love me.

I’ve already got my arms and a little podgy nose,
And at the end of my feet I’ve got five little toes.

I look forward to my life, ice cream and slimy snails,
teddy bears and little fairy tales.

Going for walks in the park
Running home before it’s dark.
And being tucked into bed with a kiss.

Where are we going today?
Am I in a boat or bus?

Why are we lying down?
Being drawn on four wheels?

And we go through the door
and there’s people dressed in green.
Everything seems so strange and so clean.

Mommy if they hurt you just let out a scream
and I know someone will come to help you and me.

Mommy what’s going on I am starting to cry
Come quickly they are forcing me to die.

They are killing me mommy, they are pulling me apart
My arms and my legs and now they’re at my heart.

And I won’t see the sky, or the grass or the trees.
and I won’t see the moon, or feel the breeze.

I love you mommy dear, you know I really do
But I only wish you could have loved me too!

What does "Give us this day our daily bread" really mean?

 

WHAT DOES

"Give us this day our daily bread"

REALLY MEAN?

 

CLICK HERE 

The Case of the Mystery Crime

 

AMAZON LINK 

Do NOT read this

 

Do NOT read this

If you are easily offended. 

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete.
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him...
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him...
Then God said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What's a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was...
God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
God explained what a cave was...
Then God said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him too...
God continued, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "Well, gosh, how do I do that?"
God muttered away to himself, rather annoyed. Then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well...
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, after about thirty minutes, Adam was back...
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
Adam then asked... "What's a headache?"

OK ladies, I did warn you not to read if easily offended. Here's an alternative tale.   

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Grandma's letter

 

GRANDMA'S LETTER

She is 88 years old and still drives her own car.   She writes: 

Dear Grand-son,

The other day your Grandpa and I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker. 

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.  So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that was.  I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.  I found that lots of people love Jesus!   While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '   ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!  Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.  I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.  I asked Grandpa what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. Grandpa did the same from the passenger seat. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.  So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! 

We will write again soon,

Love, Grandma and Grandpa.

Paraprosdokians

 Paraprosdokians - look it up in the dictionary or Google it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put ’DOCTOR'.

 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

An intruder

 

What a frightening experience it was. I was in the front of the house, all alone, painting the corridor wall. I'd left the back door open to allow our dog access to the back garden. He can go in and out as he wants and he can guard the premises too.

The radio was on at full blast. I do like the music of the 60s and 70s when I'm working; and as there was no one in the house I could play it as loud as I want. I Can Get No Satisfaction sang the Rolling Stones, followed by The Beatles' Hey Jude, then The Monkees' I'm a Believer, The Beach Boys' Good Vibrations, Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman and many others.

Suddenly I felt someone was with me. No ... not a ghost. Not an alien from outer space. But a man standing there. I'd never seen him before. He could have been an alien from outer space; who can tell what they look like.

Anyway, there was this man standing there. An intruder ... in my house. He probably got in through the open back door. Why didn't Monster stop him? What is the point of having a dog called Monster if he cannot stop an intruder in broad daylight?

I switched off the radio. I had to defend myself in case he attacked me. There wasn't a weapon at hand. No umbrella, walking stick, baseball or cricket bat, chair, TV or even a pillow for a pillow fight! There would have been a pillow if I were upstairs in the bedroom. But not downstairs in the corridor. All there was to hand was the radio, the paint pot, and the paint brush. I decided the radio was too valuable to damage in a fight.

I picked up the paint brush and pointed it at him. "One step forward and you'll regret it," I said threateningly, "you'll be all blue and blue!" (I could not say black and blue which is the usual remark when someone has been beaten, because all I had was blue paint).

He  looked perplexed and confused. 

"I am your new neighbour, Jeremy Masters," he said stepping forwards to shake my hand. 

I pointed the paint brush at him as if it was a knife. 

"We moved in this morning," he said, "I rang the door bell but all I could hear was loud music. Elvis Presley and the like. I thought that perhaps someone had collapsed and could not come to the door.

"I went to the back garden and I noticed some of the fencing between us is damaged. Just as well; I'll get it fixed soon. But I squeezed through the gap in the fence and noticing your back door open, so I came in to check all is well. I know you're alone. I saw your wife and family leave earlier on. I came to invite you all to tea this evening ... about eight?"

"I don't believe you," I said dipping the brush in the paint pot and moving a step forwards. He moved back in response.

"Monster ... Here," I shouted, "I'll set my dog on you!"

Monster came in slowly and nonchalantly and sat at the man's feet.

"I'm leaving," he said, "your wife suggested I call on you and perhaps the two of us could go to the pub for a drink!"

I dipped the paint brush again. As he walked away I quickly shut the door behind him and painted a photo identification sketch of the man on the corridor wall and called the police.

They looked at the painting on the wall and said it was not enough to identify the intruder.

They went next door and met Jeremy Masters our new neighbour. Fortunately, whilst they were there my wife and family returned from the shops and my wife confirmed Jeremy's story.

She thinks I'm an idiot !!!

I think it's the dog's fault !!!

When Circumstances Overwhelm

 

Eternity is such a long time

 

The Bible is full of references about hell and the fact that those who are there will remain there for eternity. Certainly, Jesus said so when teaching His disciples and followers.

Now eternity is a long time, isn't it? It's like for ever. There's no end to it.

I wondered whether a loving God would really wish someone to be in hell for eternity. No matter what an individual has done, we humans would think that for ever is a long time and would wish to release such a soul from hell after a period ... don't know how long! So is God less merciful than us humans? Surely not!

Then I wondered something else. C S Lewis is quoted as having said that the doors of hell are locked from the inside. Maybe the souls in hell are so intent that they are right, and God is wrong, that they do not want to leave hell. However bad the place is. Could this be a possibility to explain eternity? But then, if it is a burning fire as said in the Bible, surely anyone would want to get out!

Then I remembered another quote of C S Lewis, "There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, 'All right, then, have it your way.' "

So, maybe, (and this is me thinking), perhaps those souls who believe in God and love and obey Him go to Heaven; and the others just disappear. No more soul after their death. This is NOT Biblical of course. It is me thinking. Perhaps wrongly. Maybe at the last judgement those souls to whom God says "depart from Me" really depart for ever. 

What do you think? What does your pastor or priest think? Is it really a fiery furnace for eternity?

Distant God

 

At prayer meeting the other day a newcomer, a middle aged man we’d never met before, said he was about to celebrate his 27th Wedding Anniversary. We all congratulated him.

He said like all marriages, his had its ups and downs, including arguments and silent treatments, but overall it was OK. For their 25th Anniversary he took his wife to Paris. He said the last two years were the happiest of his marriage.

“How will you celebrate your 27th?” he was asked.

“I’m returning to Paris to bring the wife back!”

Absence makes the heart grow fonder – they say. Or - out of sight out of mind.

It all depends on your point of view.

Sometimes, wrongly, we feel God has ignored us. He is not listening. Abandoned us even. So we give Him the silent treatment. Stop praying. Stop going to church. And eventually we may drift away. We become distant. Out of sight, and out of prayer, is out of mind too.

If only we stop and think. When we feel distanced from God it is only because we have moved away. He has not left us. He is always there. Ready to welcome us back in His arms with love and forgiveness.
 
I will be with you always, to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20.

Have you ever wondered?

 

Have you ever wondered at the many things around us in life which we take for granted without questioning why? Why are things done this way? Why not change them and make them better?

For example, why are socks sold in pairs? Why not sell them in packs of three? By doing so we would stand a better chance of picking up two socks the same colour from the drawer in the dark. Think of the maths. A drawer full of socks; you have a fifty/fifty chance (50%) of choosing two the same colour. But if they were sold in threes your odds would improve. Also, the manufacturers would sell 50% more socks.

And another thing. When they say dog food is now in an improved tastier recipe; who does the tasting? Humans or dogs? 

Why is toothpaste always sold in mint flavour? How about garlic flavour toothpaste? Or ketchup flavour?

And why there's always a few drops of ketchup which stick stubbornly at the end of the bottle? No matter how much I hit the bottle the last of the ketchup will not come out. Why is that? 

Have you noticed that washing up powders which you put in washing machines for your clothes always smell nice like spring-time, or flowery meadows, or mountain air, and other pleasing aromas reminiscent of pleasant freshness. Why not have washing powder that smells of the seaside? Dead fish and rotting sea weeds?

If there are so many stars out in space, how come it is always dark at night? 

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it remain upright?

Have you wondered what would happen if you put a bicycle in the fridge? I'll tell you; you can't shut the door.

How do you know that when you shut the fridge door the little light has gone out? What if it stays on all the time and you know nothing about it? All that wasted electricity used for nothing and contributing to global warming.

I believe that global warming and increases in temperatures are the result of candles. We light candles everywhere. In restaurants, in churches, at romantic dinners, on birthday cakes, and even in the bathrooms when we have a hot bath. Scented candles everywhere with various aromas like lavender, vanilla, lilac, sweet pea, lemon, lasagna, pizza, escargots, engine oil, trash centre recycling unit and so on. All these candles create extra heat and then we wonder why there's global warming and we blame the cows for creating so much methane when they break wind.

Why not redirect all that breaking wind towards wind turbines and make them go round faster? Has anyone ever thought of that as a solution? Cows are in fields, wind turbines are in fields - combine the two and you have an instant solution. Why do I have to point the obvious to so-called clever scientists?

What would happen do you think if scientists crossed a cow with a shark? Chances are they would not be able to milk it; but it would certainly not produce any methane. 

Did you know when a whale breaks wind it is so forceful that it propels it forwards 20 miles?

And did you know that one benefit of growing older is that your secrets are safe with your friends; because they can't remember them. 

The other day I was at the pub and an elderly woman came and sat beside me. She looked at me smiling and asked me whether she comes to this pub often.

And on that note, I'd better stop because I can't truly remember at which pub I was and whether it is prudent to meet her again. 

Memories and Nostalgia

 

Sitting here writing this Blog reminded me of my school days. Oh the memories ... Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. In the old days nostalgia was thinking lovingly about the past. These days it is thinking about the cell-phone you had three months ago.  

Anyway, back to my school days. I remembered our English teacher Percy Veer. That's what we called him because of his patience with us. He once told me, "Your grammar stinks!" I told my dad about it. He asked, "Which grandma? Because my Mom smells of lavender!" 

We also had an English Literature teacher. He was called William after his namesake William Shatner from Star Trek. His name was William Mozart.

Our music teacher had an appropriate name too; Johann Sebastian Shakespeare. He had an authentic antique violin made by Rembrandt. He brought it to school and it sounded awful. Just like a pregnant cat vomiting an elephant. He also claimed to have a painting by Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Stradivarius could not paint; and Rembrandt was very bad at making violins.

We had a teacher called Athena who taught us Greek Mythology. I was not good at this subject. It was my Achilles Heel. All I remember is a poem we made as kids:  

There once was a goddess called Aphrodite

Who wore a pink see-through nightie

And the closer you looked

It was clear you were hooked

By her curves which were certainly all-righty.

I hated sports at school. There was a boy called Harry Bean who ran very fast and won all the races. We called him Haricot Bean, or Runner Bean. 

I also hated woodwork. My teacher said I was only good at turning wood into saw dust.

I did not excel at anything. I had failure written all over me from that early age. The other kids did it with their Biro pens. 

One teacher predicted that I'll go down in history. Also math, geography, science and artwork. He was wrong. I did not attend the artwork exam because I was not well that day. My absence increased the overall class average score by 30%.

I always wanted to be on stage performing something. Our drama teacher said that when I sing I disturb wildlife for miles around. He suggested I just mime the words. Once I missed rehearsals and everyone thought the piano had been tuned. 

All in all, not much of a success from early on in my life. True, nostalgia is not always a fond thing.

Now I am thinking of KFC.

Card Trick

 

Let me teach you a card trick which I have filmed deliberately slowly so you can see how it is done.

Answered Prayers

 

I was praying the other day and God spoke to me.

He said, "There are over 8 billion people in the world and I seem to be spending 90% of my time dealing with your prayers!"

"Oh ..." I said, not knowing whether this was a good thing or whether He was perhaps hinting something. He soon made it clear.

"Lighten up!" He continued, "it's good that you pray for so many people but is it necessary every time to mention each one by name? I know who they are; I don't need to know their Zip Code!

"Why not group your people as appropriate? Like family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, Blog readers and contributors, and so on? This way you'll save yourself and Me a lot of time?"

"But ..." I hesitated, "they all have so many different needs!"

"And don't you think I know that?" He asked.

I'll admit He had a point. I wanted to say, "Touché" but I thought it would be impertinent so I kept quiet.

"Praying for others is good and commendable," He said to encourage me, "prayers are the best gifts people can receive and give to each other. They show a generous spirit and that we love and care for each other. As Jesus taught. But let's not go over the top. You can pray for other people any time when they come to mind. You think of a person, or you meet someone, and you know they need me in their lives; then just say a few words silently. Nothing much, just a word or two. Without them knowing about it. I'll be listening and will act on your prayers in my way and in good time."

I suddenly realised that I had been distracted in my prayers. So I continued. "Where was I? ... Oh ... Aunt Edna, Uncle Barnabas, Aunt Philomena and Uncle Jehoshaphat and their children ... now what are their names?"

Saint Peter's Book

 

Saint Peter opened Heaven's Gates and let me into a side room with his name on the door. He pointed at a chair and then he sat at his desk. He looked much older than I expected, but then, he is over two thousand years old, I thought.  

He asked me my name, which he knew full well. "Just checking," he said, "I don't want to let just anyone in!"

He opened a big hard-covered book which he had on his desk. It was at least a million pages thick. I thought he'd check for my name in alphabetical order, but to my dismay he started at the first page.

"Is the whole of this book about me?" I asked in trepidation.

"Yes," he replied without looking up, "it records all the things that you have done wrong. The one with all the good things you did is much thinner and will only take seconds to read!"

"But, you're not going to read all the wrongdoings I did when I was young ... I was different then ... you're not going to read all that?" I said fearfully.

"Would you prefer we wait until they make it into a film?" he said, again without looking up, "and what a horrendous film it would make. It would be more than X rated by the censors, although we don't have censors over here. All things done in life, even those done in secret, will be revealed and judged accordingly for eternity!"

I felt a little hot under the collar.

"It's getting hot in here," I mumbled.

"Yes," he said, "that's the devil stoking up the furnaces. We get some of his heat. But it will get much cooler when we leave here ... for one of us!" he added ominously.

I was terrified out of my mind. I knew I was doomed. I must have cried a little because I could feel the tears trickling down my legs.

"Is it hot enough for you?" he asked.

I shook my head left and right gasping for breath. I woke up and looked at the clock on my bedside. The thermometer recorded 29*C (85*F). 

I spent the rest of the night remembering my sins and asking God for forgiveness.

You'd better do the same before Saint Peter reads your book.