It's me again ...

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Helloo ... Victor ... Is that your answering machine with the woman operating it again? Is she always at home when you are away? How much do you pay her for this service?

 

This is your Aunt Elma ... That is A ... U ... N ... T ... Aunt ... and then Elma. Phoning from Glasgow. I am in town with your Uncle Jim ... That's J ... I ... M ... Say hello Jim ...

 

(Pause).

 

He just mumbled, your Uncle did ... 

 

Anyways ... we are in town just outside the Bank, the one in the corner. We are phoning you from the cell-phone you gave Uncle Jim ... you said it was a Smart Phone ... Not so smart really. Every time it rings your Uncle presses a button and takes a photo of his ear ...

 

We went into the Bank to get some money but there was a long line and just one cashier serving. We were in a hurry on account that I needed the toilet. 

 

So Jim suggested we use the machine outside the bank and take the money out of that. But first he spoke to the Security Guard and the nice man showed me where the staff toilets were; the ones for the employees. 

 

What a nice man ... young he was ... he looked like Tony Curtis with his head all shaved like he was in the film the King and I ...

 

Anyways ... we stood outside by the machine and I asked it for some money ... nothing happened. I asked again a bit louder but still nothing. Perhaps the woman inside the machine serving people went to the toilet. I saw a woman there in uniform ... it must have been her ...

 

Then Jim read on the screen we should insert a card ... at first we did not know which card. I looked in my bag and there are so many cards from the Social Services, from supermarkets and what have you ... eventually we found a card from this Bank ...

 

But we could not find the slot where to put the card ... we looked everywhere ... a long line was building up behind us in the street. Eventually the nice man behind us showed us where to put the card ... 

 

The machine asked for a Password ... What Password is that, Vic? Jim said he had a Password when in the Army for getting into the camp, but that was a long time ago.

 

The young man behind us said the Bank must have written to us with a Password. Eventually the whole line behind us moved to another machine ...

 

We put the card in the slot and typed any Password we could think of ... you know ... like the password for the computer when we switch it on, and all the other passwords various companies sent us that we never use ... like those 'TInternet companies which sell you things ... we never buy anything from this 'TInternet machine ...   

 

You'll never guess what happened? After the third Password the machine swallowed the card and it said on the screen "Transaction Terminated".

 

It was not terminated at all Victor ... on account that we did not get our money. Your Uncle Jim got very angry and started swearing at the machine and hitting it hard with his stick. You should have heard the language Vic ... The air was blue with swear words I had never heard of which he had learnt when in the military.

 

The Security Guard came out of the Bank ... the one who looks like Tony Curtis ... must be his son I reckon.

 

He recognised your Uncle and tried to calm him down. Eventually your Uncle stopped swearing ... he must have run out of swear words without repeating himself ...

 

The Security Guard said he'll go inside and try to get our card back for us. He'll probably go and find the lady working in the machine ... she's probably still in the toilet poor thing. She did look pale you know ... Maybe she ate something that disagreed with her, like a dodgy haggis.

 

Anyways ... I see the Security Guard coming to us now with our card ... we'll get our money from the cashier inside this time. I don't trust these machines ... do you? It must be cramped inside there for an assistant to sit all day and night ... Bye Vic!

A Micro Call

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Damn ... it's that stupid female machine again ... hello ... hello ... hello Vic. This is aunt Elma here ... I am phoning you from Glasgow ... I am leaving my name on your female answering-machine as you told me to ... it is ... E ... L ... M ... A ... aunt Elma.

 

I am ringing to thank you all for the lovely gift you sent us. It arrived a few days ago but we did not ring to thank you then for reasons which you will understand later on in this telephone call.

 

The package came in a big box delivered by a man in a van ... it was white I think ... the van. He said he worked for an Internet Shopping Website, whatever that is, and that you sent us this package.

 

Inside there was another box with a micro something oven written on it ... wait ... I'll ask Jim ...

 

(Pause)

 

Jim said it was a microwave oven. There was also a note saying it was a gift from you. 

 

There was also a big booklet with instructions to make the oven work ... It was written in many languages ... French ... Italian ... German ... Dutch I think ... and lots of other languages. It was a waste of time, Jim said, seeing we only speak English.

He sat down and read the book and soon fell asleep in front of the TV.

Why did you send us a micro something oven Vic? Our oven here works OK ... we've had it twenty years if not a day less. 

Anyways,  ... thank you ... we put the oven on top of the TV. There's a shelf there as you recall; we moved away all the pictures on the shelf ... good time too. I hated so much that photo of Uncle Ebeneezer with his stupid moustache, so your oven was a good reason to get rid of the photos and put the oven on the shelf.

We tried something simple on the oven for a start. We thought we would warm a cup of milk before going to bed. We put the cup on that round thing that goes round and round and your uncle Jim punched the password on the panel on the oven with all them numbers.

We could not find the password in the booklet ... in any language; but Jim must have got it right because the light came on and the plate inside started going round and round.

It was fun watching it ... better than the TV which had a boring program on at the time.

Anyways ... the micro thing kept going round and round. For quite some time and inside we saw the milk in the cup boiling over and pouring all over the place ... we did not know how to make it stop.

Then the milk started coming out of the oven door ... all over the shelf it was ... and it started dripping on the TV below. 

Luckily I managed to get Jim out of the armchair ... he suffers badly with his back and is not as fast as he used to be. Oh ... he used to be so agile and supple when young ... I did like that. But now he's as stiff as a dead body.

 

So he pulled the electric plug out of the socket and we spent the evening cleaning up the burnt milk everywhere.

 

But that's not the end of it ... Vic. I told Jim not to use the microbe oven ... told him to put it in the garage. Did he listen? Did he heck?

 

I was out the other day shopping at the shops ... the ones down the road. You know the ones? The shops where you stopped for a while for the lights to change so you could cross the road and the dog you were holding on a lead peed all over your leg. How funny that was. I laughed and laughed so much I wet myself too, I tell you. You surely remember the shops I mean. Where that rotund assistant Murgatroyd Haberdasher-Brown works. She sells knickers and hats. Just next door to the hairdressers Curl Up and Dye where Miss Blodry Ya-Hattoff cut your hair once totally bald and you were a tad upset. Just opposite the florists owned by those Dutch twin-sisters; Two Lips from Amsterdam. Next to Doctor Daya Beatty's practice ... 

 

Anyways ... I was at the shops and Jim tried to be helpful and did some washing. You know ... vests and underwear and other unmentionables. My pink satin underpants where not totally dry ... a bit damp he said ... so to dry them he thought he'd warm them up in the microbe oven.

 

He put in a password ... he said he can't remember what it was ... and kept a look out in case something went wrong. Well, it did again ... He said my satin undergarments suddenly lit up on fire inside the microbe oven and the flames got out and started spreading on the shelf above the TV. 

 

Jim was standing at the time, rather than sitting in the armchair ... good job too! He quickly threw the cup of tea on the microbe oven and there were sparks everywhere ... so he said. Nearly got the house on fire.

 

I came in just then thankfully ... I saw the smoke everywhere and I beat the oven and the shelf with my coat which I took off quickly. The fire went out. Could have burnt the house down if I did not come in on time.

 

Anyways ... I'm ringing to thank you for your gift Vic. We've put the microbe oven in the garage for you to collect next time you're in Glasgow.

Transient

Life is transient. It only lasts for a short time.

Yesterday I bought a tub of ice cream. It did not last long. It was transient.

Lots of things are transient. 

Your beautiful house for instance ... Transient. Sooner or later you'll move somewhere else, or you will pass on, and the house is yours no more.

Your car ... Transient. It will not last for ever.

Your clothes ... Transient. They will soon be out of fashion and you'll grow out of them - literally so.

Potatoes, carrots and beetroot ... Transient. They either get eaten or they rot away. 

I am sure you can think of other things that are transient. Write them down in the comments box below.

Some things are permanent. They last and stay for ever and ever. 

Can you think of any?

I'm off to buy a tub of ice cream - transient flavour! 

How may I help you?

Travel Agent Lady: Hello ... how may I help you?

Me: Oh hi ... I'd like to book a room in a good hotel in Aberdeen for about a week.

TAL: Certainly Sir, when will that be?

Me: Now, right now ...

TAL: You'd like a room starting today, Sir?

Me: No ... no ... I'd like to book the room right now.

TAL: I understand ... and when would you like to stay in Aberdeen?

Me: Next month ... the week starting the 12th. I'll be staying for the whole week.

TAL: Do you have a preference of hotel Sir?

Me: No ... I don't know Aberdeen that well. I want a good hotel, not just a bed and breakfast.

TAL: Yes Sir. I have one available which I am sure will be suitable. May I have your name and address please Sir? ... ... ... And a telephone number where we can contact you? ... ... ... Thank you Sir. Will you require a single or a double bed room?

Me: Oh double bed ... a large bed. And make sure there's a TV too.

TAL: Yes Sir ... all rooms have a TV, telephone, Internet access, as well as adjoining bathroom and several other facilities. I'll be sending you a hotel brochure Sir. Meanwhile, I need a name for the other guest staying with you, Sir. Will that be Mrs M...?

Me: No ... no ... my wife will not be with me.

TAL: So it's just you, Sir?

Me: No ... me and Maurice.

TAL: Maurice ... That's the other guest ... May I have Maurice's surname please Sir?

Me: Just Maurice ... he has no surname ... Just Maurice and I will be staying for a week.

TAL: I understand Sir ... That's a double room for a week commencing the 12th of next month for yourself and Maurice. Will there be anything else Sir?

Me: Eh ... yes ... does the hotel have room service? Can we order beakfast and other meals to be delivered to our room? We'd rather stay in the room most of the time.

TAL: Yes Sir. There will be a menue in your room and you can phone your order which will be delivered at any time day or night. Some guests prefer to have a meal at all hours, like two in the morning, for example. This hotel will deliver any meal you wish to your room at any time for you and Maurice to enjoy.

Me: That sounds great ... One more thing. Will they also deliver bones?

TAL: Bones, Sir?

Me: Yes... raw bones, for Maurice.

TAL: I don't understand Sir.

Me: Maurice prefers raw bones before his performance.

TAL: I still don't understand Sir.

Me: We're in Aberdeen for the sheep dog trials. You know ... like in the film Babe, the pig who wanted to be a sheep dog. Maurice is my sheep dog. We're coming incognito. We'll enter the trials in the last possible moment. That's why we'll stay in the hotel room for as long as possible. Maurice is a champion sheepdog, and any news of his entrance in the show will affect the betting odds, you see.

TAL: Yes Sir ... I see clearly now ... (deep breath) ... I understand.

MORE FUNNY STORIES HERE

AND HERE

 

Unequal Rewards in Heaven

 

The good thing about hopping from one Blog to another on the Internet is that I learn something new everyday - well almost!

The problem though, is to know whether what I have learnt is true, or just someone's opinion.

For example, I learnt the other day that when we get to Heaven our "rewards" will not be the same, but will be commensurate with how well we responded to God's grace when here on earth.

I'll admit this confused me somewhat. I never realised there were rewards as such in Heaven. I thought that once there that was reward enough; if reward is the right word to use in this context.

I doubt very much that if Heaven was a mansion with many rooms, some Saint or other would have the top penthouse apartment facing whatever one faces when looking out of Heaven's window, and I would have a dingy cupboard space somewhere deep in the bowels of said mansion.

Have any of you heard of the notion of unequal rewards in Heaven?

I understand this was at one time Catholic dogma originating from the Council of Florence many years ago.

I asked a priest about it. Here's what he wrote:

"The Council of Florence was in the 15th century. One of the most important principles in the study of theology, sacred scripture and church history (including the general councils) is that we always seek to understand them within the context of their own time. 

The visualisation of Heaven as some kind of an hierarchical body was very common in the middle ages, for the simple reason that the whole of society worked in that way. They had no concept of social mobility or equality as we would have these days, and it would’ve seemed unthinkable to them that people in Heaven would be as it were outside of their own social circle!

We almost certainly are not bound to believe that there is any kind of hierarchical or social structure in Heaven. What we are promised is that each and every one of us will have all that is necessary for our personal bliss."

So there you have it; it is no longer Catholic belief that there's a hierarchy in Heaven amongst those souls there.

But how about your Church and your beliefs?  

Have you ever heard about unequal rewards in Heaven?

The Book of Life

 

Have you ever wondered, what if ... what if the whole of your life is just a book. You do not actually exist, but you are a character in a book, and there is someone out there reading all about you and your life. Whatever you do, or did, in life, from the moment you are born, is written in this book which is being read right now.

"And (your name) took the dog for a walk as usual starting from the park and right into town where he/she bought some tobacco for his pipe/some lip stick to match the colour of her new shoes!"

Just imagine for a moment the whole of your past life. As far back as you can remember. All the good things you did, and the bad things too, are all written down in this book which is being read by someone. All your kindness and generosity towards others, all the spiteful hateful things you have done, all the hurts and all the pains that you have caused, or have been done to you, and all the good times you enjoyed. They are all written down in this book.

If this were so; what kind of book yours would be?

A scientific one? "And (your name) spent most of his/her life studying the reproductive system of the cockroach, and was the first one to discover that they can be taught to walk in a single file to the tune of "Happy Birthday".

Or a romantic book. "As they sat down on the warm grass for a picnic he admired her long blonde hair blowing in the wind, and ran after it before it got entangled in the bushes".

Or maybe a financial book. "(Your name) had a head for figures and became very wealthy at an early age with the aid of an electronic abacus and by inheriting a fortune".

A fantasy book perhaps. "(Your name) woke up early and ran to the forest before the trees got there, only to discover that someone had stolen the river because it had totally disappeared."

Or would it be a horror book recording all your wrongdoings and unhappiness you have caused to others?

Think about it for a moment. If whoever is reading your book was asked to write a review about it; what would He say?

For make no mistake about it ... now is the time to make sure that your Book of Life has a happy ending and a good review too.

Our neighourhood

 

Our neighbours a few doors down have a new dog. It's as big as a lion at least. Not as big as a hippo or a rhino or elephant; but just about the size of a lion. You remember 101 Dalmatians? Well it's the size between a dalmatian and a lion. Only they were cartoon characters and white with black spots. This dog is bigger than a dalmatian and is the colour of a lion.

A friend of ours who lives down the street told us that their daughter came from school the other day by bus and she said the neighbours had a lion as a pet.

Her parents told her that she know full well it is not a lion and it is wrong to tell lies. It is a sin. They told her to go to her room and pray to God and ask Him to forgive her.

Ten minutes later she came down. They asked her whether she prayed to God. She said, "Yes I did and He said He often mistakes that dog for a lion Himself!"

Humour Time

 You come from dust, you will return to dust. That's why I don't dust. It could be someone I know.

"One day, you will be able to tell your grandkids, I survived the Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020."

"You're not fat, you're just... easier to see."

"Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave - I say I'm having a very good day."

"I started out with nothing... I still have most of it."

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

"The problem with stealing quotes off the Internet is you never know if they are genuine."

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

He was so narrow-minded; he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

Few women admit their age. Few men act it.

We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.

A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.

There's no point in being so open-minded that your brains fall out. 

I wouldn’t say he’s very old, but when he was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money. So I got up and searched with him.  

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

As one door closes another opens outwards and hits you in the face.

One Liners to remember

 

You are unique and one of a kind in inducing boredom

Your life can be what you want it to be as long as you leave me alone

Stop, Listen and then Act the fool

Within you are so many answers, all wrong

Make Timely Decisions some other time

Do not compare yourself with others; they are better than you

Life is full of choices; one of them is to keep your distance from me

What you don't like, others may also not like; I don't like you

Your thoughts are things; so keep them to yourself

Remember that a little everyday will get you nowhere

Rome was not built in a day; because I was not the building contractor

To thine own self be true; boring as you are

That which does not kill us makes us stronger; except diarrhoea

Be the change you wish to see in the world; like clean underwear

Breathe in courage, breathe out wind, break wind often

This too shall pass, with a good laxative

Hold your head up ... ... ...

Share my Thoughts

 

I was sitting there in front of the TV. There was nothing on except dust on the screen. When I mentioned it to my wife she threw a dust cloth at me and gave me the silent treatment. I closed my eyes and started thinking, or continued thinking ... I seem to be doing it all the time these days.

We'd been to a restaurant the previous evening and we had calamari. That's squid not octopus.  

I thought, if I were an octopus I'd be able to slap eight stupid people at a time. Or hug one person tenderly.

There are plenty of stupid people these days. I wish we could export stupidity and make a fortune. 

My train of thoughts moved on from octopus to slugs. Do you realise that a slug is a naked snail? Why do people eat snails and not slugs? What's the difference with a bit of garlic sauce? With some vegetables on the side.

If you were to sit in a  hot bath with a lot of carrots, peas and other vegetables would you be in a right stew, I wonder?

What is the difference between a stew and a hot pot. Or a casserole?

What is the difference between a pot and a pan? 

Do people go to nudist camps to air their differences?

How did Adam and Eve know that they were naked? And how did they know which bits to cover? What if they had covered their elbows or knees? Can you imagine ... if they had covered their knees, today we would all be going round naked with knee-high socks. What a spectacle that would make! 

And how about that snake? If I were naked outdoors and met a talking snake I'd be afraid he might bite my bottom, not engage in a conversation with him. 

Why does my mind jump from one subject to another, sometimes related sometimes totally unrelated? Like the sky for instance. You can see the sun and the stars. They are things hanging up there. So are clouds. But what is the sky?

Is it a thing, or a reflection of the earth, the oceans, or whatever else? If it is a reflection, then what is it reflected on? Is there a mirror up there in outer space reflecting the seas and oceans?

I think it is time for me to have another drink of whisky. 

And it is time for you to invite friends to join Time for Reflections. I am told it is a great Blog. 

Have you noticed Lazarus?

 

“There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

“The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

“But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’ Luke 16:19-31.

Let us get one thing clear from the start about this parable. Jesus is not talking against riches and being rich. There is nothing wrong in working hard and getting a fortune and living well even. 

In this parable Jesus is condemning indifference. Not caring of what and who is around you. In this story Lazarus was a poor beggar at the rich man's gate; yet the rich man did not even care about him. He must have seen him umpteen times as he got in and out and yet he ignored him.

Sideline Note: The name Lazarus is a Latinized version of the Greek name Lazaros, which is derived from the Hebrew name Eleazar (אלעזר)  and means "God has helped" or "God helps". So in this parable Jesus is hinting strongly that the poor man will be helped by God.

Another thing to note is that Abraham, to whom Lazarus was taken, was himself a very rich man. In today's modern terms the man would have been a billionaire. Those hearing this parable would have understood this. Jesus was not against wealth, (like Abraham's), but was condemning the rich man's attitude towards the poor man at his gate.

Have we got a Lazarus at our gate? Someone we have noticed and don't much care about? 

No matter whether we are materially rich, or well off in other ways like talents, spare time, good health, education, or whatever else; there is always someone who would benefit from our good fortune if only we shared it with them.

We don't have to look too far. Lazarus is there just beside you.

Prayers please ...

 

PRAY MORE

PRAY BETTER 

Just before He was arrested, Jesus prayed for His disciples. Then He prayed for us – yes, you and me. He said:

“I pray not only for them, (the disciples), but also for those who believe in me because of their message. I pray that they may all be one. Father! May they be in us, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they be one, so that the world will believe that you sent me.” John 17: 20-21.

Does anyone think that they pray too much? That perhaps they are giving God a headache? That with over 7 billion peoples on earth yours seem to be the most prayers in His in-tray to deal with? That He is spending 99% of His time listening to you rather than the other people on earth? That perhaps you should let up a bit and pray less?

God never gets tired of hearing our prayers. Whether they are one's we have learnt like the Lord's Prayer, or just conversations and lists of demands or requests, God is always listening. He likes to hear from us; just like any good parent likes to hear from their children and how they are doing in life. He knows how we're doing, of course; but He likes to hear from us as well.

He also likes to hear us praying for others. Prayers are the greatest gifts we can give each other. It shows generosity of spirit, it shows caring, and it shows love on our part for someone else.

When someone is talking with you about their health, works problems, marital difficulties or whatever else; just say a silent prayer. Without them knowing about it. Hand their situation to God and trust Him to deal with it in His way and time.

When you see on TV a politician, especially one you disagree with, pray for them. Pray that they may find God in their lives and follow Christ's way, truth and light. Also, when you see celebrities on TV deriding and mocking Christianity and promoting a secular way of life; pray for them too that they may experience the love of Christ. 

God sends many opportunities in our lives to pray for one another. Whether it is for a relative, a friend, acquaintance or someone you don't know and you see on TV or social media; let us pray for them and their situations. A prayer un-said is an opportunity missed. How do you think God feels about that?

The world is in turmoil right now. Whether on an individual basis, as a family, a nation or globally. There are many needs for prayers.

SUGGESTION: Every day, ask God to send you someone you can help. I did. He took me seriously and now I am inundated with people needing my help. 

PRAY MORE

PRAY BETTER 

Up-Grading in Pets

 

When I was young my parents took me to a falconry display. You might have seen them on TV. The trainer puts his arm out as a perch and he has a falcon or owl on it. He commands it to fly to the trees and then calls it back by tempting it with a morsel of raw meat.

The trainer called me forward and he tried it with a small bird. It was an owl. I was so impressed that I wanted to have my own bird pet.

I wanted to train a swan to fly on my arm at my command.

My parents tried to discourage me to go for such a big bird but at the same time they did not want to dampen my spirits. I suppose it was good-parenting in a way.

They suggested I start with a small pet and slowly up-grade or graduate from there.

My first pet was an earwig. I kept it in a jam jar. The earwig is a nocturnal insect so it did not do much in the day time. It eats dead plant and animal matter. So I put a leaf there with it. Earwigs hide in damp, dark places during the day, so I gave it a moist piece of cloth. But it is useless at flying.

When I balanced the jam jar on my arm it fell and broke into million pieces. Luckily I was outside at the time. My parents patiently cleared up the broken glass but we never found the earwig.

My second pet was a mouse. I kept him in a glass tank. Because the glass tank was too big and heavy to balance on my outstretched arm, I took the mouse out in the garden and balanced him on my arm. He fell and ran into the bushes. I never found him; but moments later the neighbour's cat came out of the bushes licking its lips. My parents told me maybe he shared his lunch with the mouse.

My third pet was a crocodile. It was a plastic crocodile which would not fly off my arm. So I threw it up a tree. Sadly it did not fly back when I called him back. Dad suggested I tie him with string and pull him back. Unfortunately the string got caught in a branch and broke. The crocodile remained there up the tree. Dad got up a ladder to get it back. He fell into the thorny bushes. I was not popular that day.

Mom told me to train the crocodile to "fly" at ground level. This way I could pull him back on the string safely.

I never graduated to be a lion whisperer. An ambition which my uncle achieved seconds before he died.

I am a Motivational Speaker

MOTIVATIONAL ADDRESS

GIVEN BY

VICTOR S E MOUBARAK 

The most important thing in life is to focus. Focus on who you are. What you are. And whatever else you want to be or do in life. 

Like the eagle who soars in the skies and can focus on his prey down below; you too should do the same. Focus on the pigeons, rabbits, snakes, rats and others below and reach for the skies. 

But before considering on being an eagle, think like an eagle. 

Ask yourself, do you like eating pigeons, rabbits, snakes and other vermin below? If not, you need to change your attitude.

Yes, we all need to change if we are to go ahead. We can start with our vests and underpants. 

When is the last time you changed yours? Be honest now. Honesty is the best policy. 

Success in life can lead to success in love. Remember our motto:  

Say it with flowers
And chocolates too
Say it with jewellery
Or a good meal for two
Say it from the heart
Say what you think
But never be careless
And say it with ink

The next thing to consider is looking back. Never ever look back when you're moving forwards in life. 

I learnt this lesson the hard way when I walked into a lamp post, fell down the stairs, and on one occasion met the mother-in-law down a dark alley at night. 

Beware of perseverance. This means a persistent attitude to doing something despite setbacks and apparent failures. My advice is, if at first you don't succeed suck something else instead. 

In other words - If at first you don't succeed just give up. It is no point spending precious time and money doing something that will most probably not work anyway. Have the foresight of realising your failings and get on with doing something else instead. 

When I was at school I had failure written all over me. The other kids did it with their ball point pens. My teachers however said that I'd go down in history ... and geography, maths, science and practically everything else.

Did it worry me? No ... I forged on ahead and fulfilled their vision of me and became who I am. 

And in doing so I saved a lot of time and money trying something I'd fail at anyway. 

Know your failings and your potential. 

It is no point cooking a lobster thermidor if you don't have any thermidors in the house. 

In life, be like a sardine. Get into your tin and leave the key outside. Sooner or later someone will open up and let you out. Metaphorically speaking that is. 

Do as little as possible in life. Make it obvious that you are not doing so well. Pretty soon some kind soul will have pity on you and help you anyway. Either that, or marry Rich!

P.S.

Look what I have found in the garage

My own 

Coats of Arms

painted some ten years ago.

 

Once again ...

 

Once again readers have e-mailed me about the Coat of Arms displayed on the right-hand sidebar.

Have you noticed it? 

It is the Coat of Arms of one of my medieval ancestors. Read all about him HERE.

Lies and Untruths

 

Some readers have written to me saying they don't believe everything I write here. They think I make it all up and tell lies.

Me? Telling lies? I am wounded and hurt beyond belief. It is all true I tell you. I have never told a lie in my life. All stories are true.

Like the time I was abducted by aliens from outer space and they gave me a tour of their spaceship.

Like when I was in France and I saw a ghost in the aubergine where I stayed. (That's a small hotel in French). 

Or when in Paris and a man jumped into the river and was in Seine at the time.

Or when a crocodile knocked on my door and was searching for his girl-friend.

Or when I found a snail on my doorstep and to save him from being crushed I picked him up and put him in the bushes a few feet away. A week later he knocked at my door and said, "What's the great idea throwing me in the bushes?" 

It is all true, I tell you. Just click on the links above to check that it is all factually true.

Advertising

 

These days there are adverts everywhere. On TV, radio, newspapers and magazines, trains and buses, street signs and in all other places too.

Bald people can make a lot of money by having a tattoo on their heads advertising certain products. 

Advertising works; otherwise people would not do it. Organisations would not spend fortunes on advertising if they did not result in more sales.

For example, last Christmas the whole family got cycling helmets as presents; and none of us has a bicycle. See - adverts do work after all. 

Have you heard of subliminal advertising?

It's when they put a very short piece of video in a film, (a frame or two), or a short sound-bite on a radio program that your eyes or ears would not notice. And yet it sends a message to your brain. Your brain remembers a picture of a brand of food; and when you're next shopping the chances are you'll pick that particular brand instead of your usual one. 

I read that subliminal advertising is illegal in many countries. So presumably it works.

Most people don't believe that subliminal advertising is effective, (Victor's books are great), or that our minds can be so easily influenced. But believe me, it has been proved to work. 

 

Scientists have analysed peoples' perception under hypnosis, (Victor's humourous books are here), to see what they can remember seeing on TV and radio. Surprisingly, a great percentage of those hypnotised could recall the adverts even though they don't remember having seen them (Victor's books are on Amazon) on TV or radio. 

I would be surprised if such a theory really did work. But just in case, I am lining all our cycle helmets with aluminium foil to stop any waves reaching our brain. 

 

On a totally different subject, we have just heard that Victor's books are so good that even his cat likes them. Try them for your cat, or dog, or other pets. Especially his memoirs! 

Walk On

 

On the Radio

 

Years ago I presented a Christian program on the radio entitled "Time for Reflections". Here's a short excerpt.

Mentioned in the program is Merlin Carothers' book "Prison to Praise". Here's a link. 

You're the best friend I ever had

You've been here beside me and shared all my dreams through the years

We’ve shared all the laughter and sometime you dried all my tears

You stood close beside me and held me when good times turned bad

I need you to know you're the best friend that I've ever had

Together we've laughed as we walked hand in hand in the rain

All the good times we've had comes back to my memory again

Now as the years pass they're turning from silver to gold

I pray we will share them together as we're growing old

You're my best friend the one friend I know will be there come what may

You're the one I depend on the one friend I turn to each day

So if sometimes I hurt you and the things that I say makes you sad

Remember I love you and you're the best friend that I've ever had

Remember I love you and you're the best friend that I've ever had.

 

Mike Denver 

Death In A Taxi

 

DEATH IN A TAXI by Victor S E Moubarak

ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 979-8264737794

When you take a taxi, all you expect is to be taken where you wish to go without fuss or incident. Not so for Father Ignatius. On his taxi ride home from the railway station the last thing he expected was to get involved in a shooting in which there was loss of life.

At first, there was no clue as to who carried out the murder, nor the motive for such a horrendous act. Everyone was a suspect, including Father Ignatius himself. Was he involved in the murder, or was he the target of the attack?

This is a tale of mystery and intrigue with a twist at every turn and a conspiracy of lies and perverse motives. Father Ignatius finds himself embroiled in a dire situation not of his making and a dilemma as to what he should do next. It is a fine line for a priest between pursuing the course of justice and maintaining a priestly responsibility and demeanour when so much is at stake.

Despite his personal problems, the amiable priest continues to dispense good and charitable advice to his flock; advice which he should perhaps be inclined to follow himself.

As this story develops, the real motives behind the killings, and the perpetrators of the crimes, will become clearer and will astound readers. Will justice be served? Not just here on earth but in the eyes of God too.

This book will challenge your thinking on many issues regarding your faith and beliefs, whatever they are.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: If you do buy this book please let me know what you think of the plot; in particular the actions of Father Ignatius which can be somewhat controversial. Thank you.

DEATH IN A TAXI is available in paperback and Kindle versions from AMAZON and all good bookshops. Also in Audiobook and Alexa.

AMAZON LINK HERE 

Close encounter of the ratty kind

We parked the car on a beautiful afternoon in the countryside. The family decided to go for a walk; all the way up the narrow lane, leading to a village about half a mile away. I stayed in the car and listened to the radio.

As I sat in the driving seat I noticed ahead of me, some two yards away, something moving amongst the bushes. I switched off the radio and concentrated. It happened again. It moved a few inches to the left, then ran into the bushes again. It was a rat. At first I thought it was a squirrel maybe, but it was a rat all right. It came our again. Ran left and right. But stood still for long enough for me to identify him as a rat. 

I panicked. I quickly shut all the car windows and made sure all the doors were locked.

I lowered myself down in the seat so he would not see me.

I read somewhere that rats can be dangerous if they attack you. I could not drive away of course because I was waiting for my family to return from their walk. 

I had to either frighten the rat away or attack him. I searched the car for something I could use as a weapon.

I found a bra.

Let us not debate what a bra was doing in the car. I could use it as a sling shot or catapult. If David had this bra in the Bible he could have killed two Goliaths simultaneously.

Problem is, I did not have any pebbles or stones in the car. I could use the bra to hit the rat with if he attacked I suppose. 

I had read somewhere that rats can travel hundreds of miles. Apparently they hang to the underside of cars and as you drive away you inadvertently take them to your home.

I raised myself a little in my seat to keep an eye on the ninja rodent in case he jumped and hid under our car.

Eventually the family returned from their walk.

I hid the bra in the glove compartment and asked them to stamp their feet loudly before they entered the car quickly. I thought the noise would frighten the rat away.

They asked me why I asked them to stamp their feet. I told them it was a new game I'd invented. They thought it was stupid.

I drove away fast and every so often, when it was safe, I hit the brakes suddenly to dislodge any rats hanging on the underside of the vehicle. I looked in the rear view mirror to see if any rats fell off but there was nothing.

The family was not amused by my driving and thought I was a jerk. 

We got home safely. When they were in the house, I bent right down on the ground searching for any rats hanging on to the underside of the car. There were none.

I took the car to the garage and asked the mechanic to put it on a ramp and get underneath. "Can you hear a rat?" I asked.

"Hear a rat?" he asked, "surely you mean can you smell a rat?"

"Oh yes ... I meant can you hear a rat a ta tatt, rat a ta tatt ... when the engine is running," I said sheepishly.

He checked the car thoroughly and found nothing.

Maybe no rat managed to jump onto the car, or perhaps he fell when I hit the brakes.

What do you think?

My Aunt Elma

 

Phone rings. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Hello ... hello ... is that you Vic? It sounded like a woman ... Hello ... Hey Jim ... I've just phoned Vic and a woman answered. You don't think he's got some woman now the family are on holiday in London? Hello ... can you hear me Vic? 

There's no answer ... I bet she hasn't told him I phoned ... I'll ring him again.

Phone line goes dead. Phone rings again. Telephone-answering machine. Female voice.

 

Your call cannot be taken at the moment. Please leave your name and number after the tone. BEEEP ...

 

Hello Vic ... I know you got a woman with you ... this is auntie Elma ... my phone number is ... wait a minute ... I'll get it for you ... have you got a pen and paper ready? Jim ... Jim ... what is our phone number? 

 

(Pause) 

 

Of course I don't know it ... I don't usually phone myself do I? Hold on Vic ... I'll get you my phone number ... here it is ... write it down now ... it's 0987 23 76 12 ...

 

This is aunt Elma ... that's E ... L ... M ... A ... Jim and I are ringing to see you and the family are all right. We haven't seen you since last Thanksgiving. 

 

We are all well here in Scotland ... your uncle Jim was in pain with his carbuncle ... your little nephew called him uncle carbuncle ... what a hoot ... but he was in pain poor soul ... he's a martyr to his carbuncle ... he went to the hospital ... one day like ... and now he's OK. He can sit down all right and no longer needs the inflatable ring.

 

I had some difficulties too you know ... women things ... best not to talk about it ...

 

That and my feet ... I've always had problems with my feet Vic ... they are far too small for my body ... I look like a penguin I do ... when I stand up and look down I cannot see my feet ... 

 

It's the same with your uncle Jim now he's put on some weight ... when he stands up it's something else he cannot see too ... he makes me laugh he does ... can't reach it either I guess ...

 

Hey ... You'll never guess who has died ... I bet you can't guess ... died suddenly ... any ideas?

 

(Pause)

 

It's poor Mr MacCoughin ... remember him? He lived down the road from us ... just by the bakery ... you know ... Ivor Bun Bakery ... where we got the crumpets ... Next to I Pullem the dentist ... and Ema Carrot the vegetables woman. Just opposite Ma Leggert the chiropodist and Blinkers the Opticians.

 

Poor MacCoughin died suddenly this morning. I saw him yesterday ... he was as fit as a fiddle ... always healthy and never a day ill ... he was 83 he was ... and very healthy ... died suddenly ... hit by a bus in town ... Just by Doug M Deep the funeral undertaker it was ... at least they didn't have to go far to collect him!

 

I'll phone you again later Vic ... here's your uncle Jim ...

 

(Pause)

 

Hello Vic ... you OK mate? Whilst the cat's away is it? Your secret is safe with me ... see you soon!

 

Contact by phone

 

I receive from time to time emails from my kind and loyal readers and friends. These come straight to my desk and are always welcome and are replied to. 

The address is enquiries@holyvisions.co.uk

We have now installed a new service for anyone who prefers to speak to me directly on the phone. The number will be provided on request by e-mailing the address above.   

When you phone you will be connected directly to my office and to me alone - no assistant, or computer AI system or agency employees will be involved in your call. 

Should I not be at my office please:

PRESS 1 - to be transferred to the lounge where I may be at the time.

PRESS 2 - to transfer to the kitchen.

PRESS 3 - to transfer to the bathroom or shower room.

PRESS 4 - to transfer to the bedroom - but not if your call is at night !!! Please consider time differences between your time zone and ours here in the UK.

PRESS 5 - to transfer to the garden, (back garden or front garden equally accessible).

PRESS 6 - to transfer to my cell-phone in case I am not at home, or asleep in the car as a result of a family argument. 

PRESS 7 - to hear all these options again.

PRESS 8 - if you regret phoning me in the first place. 

There may be a delay whilst transferring you to your selected option. At such times there will be some uplifting music played whilst you wait. 

We guarantee the waiting period will not last for more than 59 minutes before the transfer is carried out. 

Should the delay last longer than 59 minutes you will be asked to hang up and phone again and the call will be terminated. 

You can PRESS 9 at any time should you wish to change the music you are listening to whilst waiting. 

This will have no effect on the selection of music we have chosen but it will make you feel as if you are in control of something.

PRESS * or # at any time, even when not on a call to us, if you have realised by now that you are not in control of anything in life.

We are like little ants on a floating leaf. We think we are in control of where we are going. But we are not in control at all, we just go with the flow.

Only God is in control.