Going to church with Rain Man

 

I recently went to church with a young autistic lady aged about twenty and her mother.

The young girl behaves and acts very much like Rain Man (Raymond Babbitt) in the Dustin Hoffman film of that name.

We were not at Mass. This was an evening meeting where we had a visiting speaker going on for hours on end discussing missionary work in various countries around the world.

The young lady’s mother left her with me and went to the kitchen just by the Sacristy to help prepare the teas and coffees and other refreshments for after the talk is over.

The talk started and the young lady’s mother had not returned, so we sat down and listened to the visiting speaker relating stories from various far off lands.

It was a very hot summer’s evening; and after a few minutes of sitting there, the hardness of the wooden church pews combined with the humid stickiness of the atmosphere to create a very uncomfortable feeling in the Southern regions of the human anatomy.

To be fair, my companion stayed quiet throughout the long ordeal although it was obvious she was getting a little uncomfortable and tired with the monotony of it all.

Eventually the visiting speaker stopped and the priest asked us to stand up for final prayers.

As we stood up I noticed that the woman in the pew just in front of me must have been wearing a thong. Either that, or she was not wearing any underwear at all. The reason I say this, apart from its obviousness, is that as she stood up her delicate flowing skirt got caught or wedged within the crack of her voluptuous derriere revealing its ample contours and curvatures.

Now normally one would tend to ignore such a distraction and look the other way; and believe me I tried; even though she was standing only inches in front of me. But what was an unexpected distraction for me became something completely different to my young lady friend. For her this was not right at all.

To my horror, she lent forward and carefully pulled out the skirt from whence it was caught.

Surprisingly, the woman in front of me did not feel a thing and did not react whatsoever.

I shook my head violently and whispered to my friend to leave it as it is.

To my double horror and near heart-attack she proceeded to lean forward once again and replace the skirt in its previously wedged position.

This time the woman felt someone touching her particular sunset; she turned round suddenly to see me standing right behind her and my companion busily reading the hymn book she’d picked up.

She was about to slap my face when she suddenly remembered where she was.

She sat down promptly and said nothing.

We waited until prayers were over and everyone was leaving. I asked my young friend to go and help her mother in the kitchen, and then I tried to explain to the unfortunate woman what had happened and that it was not really me who tried to do what I did not do.

I doubt she believed me and she left without saying another word.

And that’s another confession I’ll have to explain to my priest. He said once he looks forward to my confessions as he’s never laughed so much in his life.

Death wish

 

I have some sad news to relate as well as being in need of some advice.

An acquaintance of mine has recently died. To call him a friend would be a bit of an exaggeration. He lived a few houses down the road. We used to be nodding acquaintances. That is, whenever we met in the street, we nodded at each other and said, "Good morning, Good evening, Hello, Good bye," and such like words out of politeness.

He died a few weeks ago and I did not know anything about it. I had not seen him for some time and had assumed that he moved to another town or was perhaps on holiday.

The first I heard of his demise was when I received a letter from a local firm of solicitors.  

I went to their offices as invited and sat there solemnly whilst an elderly dust covered lawyer read this deceased acquaintance's last will and testament.

Anyway, this deceased ex-neighbour from down the road, with no doubt a pickled brain, did not have much to his name whilst alive, but what he had, he left it all to me.

Namely: His prized collection of Madagascar hissing cockroaches.

At first, I did not know what a Madagascar hissing cockroach was. The aged solicitor explained and said that the collection consisted of some thirty or so wonderful specimens.

In my naivety, I thought that I could take possession of these carcasses and then donate them to the local science museum, or some other entomological association. But when they arrived in their glass tank I became the proud owner of thirty-seven live hissing revolting creatures all running around their glass enclosure wondering who I am.

I will not describe the scene in our household when these uninvited guests arrived. Suffice it to say that relationships have been strained to breaking point. The delivery man was not interested in my dilemma. All he wanted was my signature and then he fled never to be seen again.

The tank was deposited in our entrance hall, on a table, where it still rests to this day. With their arrival was a note on how and when to feed them. Apparently, they eat fresh vegetables and dry dog food pellets.

And that's where I need your advice my friends. How can I get rid of thirty-seven live, uninvited, unwanted, unwelcome, bequeathed Madagascar hissing cockroaches?

Do you want any? 

Beware - Catholic Jokes ahead

 

Hi everyone,

If like me you're a Catholic, you can either enjoy these jokes privately or you can disapprove by shaking your head at me. But whatever you do, do not tell my priest or the Pope about this post.

If you're not a Catholic, you can perhaps smile at us. For example, what is it with the Catholics about Sunday collections? Sometimes they pass the plate round twice, on one occasion they passed it round three times at one Mass. Our church has now installed a "payment by Credit/Debit card" machine. I am waiting for Confessions by email next. 

Anyway, here goes ...

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Mary declares, "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Mary repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!' "

************************************ 

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law then." 

**************************************

A farmer goes to his priest and asks if he would conduct a funeral for his dead sheepdog. Obviously the priest refuses. The farmer is distraught and asks, "Tell me Father ... do you think if I go to the Anglican church down the road the vicar there would do the funeral for $100?"

The priest replies, "Wait a minute my good man ... you did not tell me the dog was Catholic!" 

************************************* 

I remember as a young man going to confession; it was such a long time ago. I told the priest that a young lady and I had been amorous and we were not married. It was a mortal carnal sin, I believe.

The priest was shocked out of his cassock.

"That is terrible," he said, "terrible ... terrible is the word for it. Tell me, was it with Eileen from the butcher's shop?"

"No ..." I replied.

"In that case ... was it with Sophie from the baker's down the road?" he asked again.

"No Father ... it was not her," I said hesitantly.

"Or was it with Doris who works at the candlestick maker?" he persisted.

In fact it was not with any of the young girls he mentioned but he gave me some good leads in that confession.

 

*************************************** 

Once upon a time there was a priest who used a bicycle to go everywhere in his parish in order to save money and to save the planet. He even cycled all the way to another town when he had to see the bishop.

One day his bicycle was stolen. He rang the bishop to explain why he could not visit.

The bishop suggested that on Sunday he delivers a sermon on the Ten Commandments. "Read each Commandment in turn," he advised, "and then talk a little about each one. When you get to the seventh Commandment shout out loud THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, and then watch the congregation to see if anyone winces or shrinks in his seat, or looks down shamefully, or tries to leave. He is your thief."

The following week the priest cycled to the bishop. The bishop greeted him and said, "I see you got your bicycle back. Did you catch the thief?"

The priest replied, "actually, when I got to the sixth Commandment, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle!"

 

OK ... enough of that. I see our Deacon is visiting us. He's just got off his bike and is walking up our drive. I'd better stop now.  

Keep smiling my friends. God bless.

Song Saves Twenty Babies

BACKGROUND - Father Francis Maple is a Franciscan monk who celebrated his 60th Anniversary as a priest in 2023. (Click his name for website link).

Some years ago Father Francis recorded a Pro-Life song entitled A Cry from the Heart which was released originally on casette tapes and later on CDs. 

The song has saved many babies from abortion. Their pregnant mothers heard the song and decided not to proceed with abortion.

Years later Father Francis met a young boy who told him that his mother heard the song when pregnant and decided not to have an abortion. The boy said he owed his life to the priest. Father Francis has received over 20 other similar testaments of babies being saved.

I've put this and other Father Francis Maple songs on You Tube - Check them out HERE.

Father Francis has sung in public over the years in malls, shopping centres, bus stations and at his own concerts and has raised over £1m for charity. 

He has also written several books (sermons, cooking recipes, jokes), and has contributed to many newspaper columns and Catholic newspapers and magazines. He has spent a lot of time travelling throughout the UK leading Missions in various churches.

Mommy keep me safe, mommy keep me warm

Handle me with care, mommy help me to form.

I am ten weeks old, and I know the time will come
when you will give birth to me.

The gift you gave to me are a pair of bright blue eyes
So some day I will see you smile and love me.

I’ve already got my arms and a little podgy nose,
And at the end of my feet I’ve got five little toes.

I look forward to my life, ice cream and slimy snails,
teddy bears and little fairy tales.

Going for walks in the park
Running home before it’s dark.
And being tucked into bed with a kiss.

Where are we going today?
Am I in a boat or bus?

Why are we lying down?
Being drawn on four wheels?

And we go through the door
and there’s people dressed in green.
Everything seems so strange and so clean.

Mommy if they hurt you just let out a scream
and I know someone will come to help you and me.

Mommy what’s going on I am starting to cry
Come quickly they are forcing me to die.

They are killing me mommy, they are pulling me apart
My arms and my legs and now they’re at my heart.

And I won’t see the sky, or the grass or the trees.
and I won’t see the moon, or feel the breeze.

I love you mommy dear, you know I really do
But I only wish you could have loved me too!

What does "Give us this day our daily bread" really mean?

 

WHAT DOES

"Give us this day our daily bread"

REALLY MEAN?

 

CLICK HERE 

The Case of the Mystery Crime

 

AMAZON LINK 

Do NOT read this

 

Do NOT read this

If you are easily offended. 

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete.
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him...
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him...
Then God said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What's a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was...
God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
God explained what a cave was...
Then God said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him too...
God continued, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "Well, gosh, how do I do that?"
God muttered away to himself, rather annoyed. Then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well...
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, after about thirty minutes, Adam was back...
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
Adam then asked... "What's a headache?"

OK ladies, I did warn you not to read if easily offended. Here's an alternative tale.   

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Grandma's letter

 

GRANDMA'S LETTER

She is 88 years old and still drives her own car.   She writes: 

Dear Grand-son,

The other day your Grandpa and I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker. 

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.  So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that was.  I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.  I found that lots of people love Jesus!   While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '   ' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!  Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.  I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.  I asked Grandpa what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. Grandpa did the same from the passenger seat. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.  So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! 

We will write again soon,

Love, Grandma and Grandpa.

Paraprosdokians

 Paraprosdokians - look it up in the dictionary or Google it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put ’DOCTOR'.

 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

An intruder

 

What a frightening experience it was. I was in the front of the house, all alone, painting the corridor wall. I'd left the back door open to allow our dog access to the back garden. He can go in and out as he wants and he can guard the premises too.

The radio was on at full blast. I do like the music of the 60s and 70s when I'm working; and as there was no one in the house I could play it as loud as I want. I Can Get No Satisfaction sang the Rolling Stones, followed by The Beatles' Hey Jude, then The Monkees' I'm a Believer, The Beach Boys' Good Vibrations, Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman and many others.

Suddenly I felt someone was with me. No ... not a ghost. Not an alien from outer space. But a man standing there. I'd never seen him before. He could have been an alien from outer space; who can tell what they look like.

Anyway, there was this man standing there. An intruder ... in my house. He probably got in through the open back door. Why didn't Monster stop him? What is the point of having a dog called Monster if he cannot stop an intruder in broad daylight?

I switched off the radio. I had to defend myself in case he attacked me. There wasn't a weapon at hand. No umbrella, walking stick, baseball or cricket bat, chair, TV or even a pillow for a pillow fight! There would have been a pillow if I were upstairs in the bedroom. But not downstairs in the corridor. All there was to hand was the radio, the paint pot, and the paint brush. I decided the radio was too valuable to damage in a fight.

I picked up the paint brush and pointed it at him. "One step forward and you'll regret it," I said threateningly, "you'll be all blue and blue!" (I could not say black and blue which is the usual remark when someone has been beaten, because all I had was blue paint).

He  looked perplexed and confused. 

"I am your new neighbour, Jeremy Masters," he said stepping forwards to shake my hand. 

I pointed the paint brush at him as if it was a knife. 

"We moved in this morning," he said, "I rang the door bell but all I could hear was loud music. Elvis Presley and the like. I thought that perhaps someone had collapsed and could not come to the door.

"I went to the back garden and I noticed some of the fencing between us is damaged. Just as well; I'll get it fixed soon. But I squeezed through the gap in the fence and noticing your back door open, so I came in to check all is well. I know you're alone. I saw your wife and family leave earlier on. I came to invite you all to tea this evening ... about eight?"

"I don't believe you," I said dipping the brush in the paint pot and moving a step forwards. He moved back in response.

"Monster ... Here," I shouted, "I'll set my dog on you!"

Monster came in slowly and nonchalantly and sat at the man's feet.

"I'm leaving," he said, "your wife suggested I call on you and perhaps the two of us could go to the pub for a drink!"

I dipped the paint brush again. As he walked away I quickly shut the door behind him and painted a photo identification sketch of the man on the corridor wall and called the police.

They looked at the painting on the wall and said it was not enough to identify the intruder.

They went next door and met Jeremy Masters our new neighbour. Fortunately, whilst they were there my wife and family returned from the shops and my wife confirmed Jeremy's story.

She thinks I'm an idiot !!!

I think it's the dog's fault !!!

When Circumstances Overwhelm

 

Eternity is such a long time

 

The Bible is full of references about hell and the fact that those who are there will remain there for eternity. Certainly, Jesus said so when teaching His disciples and followers.

Now eternity is a long time, isn't it? It's like for ever. There's no end to it.

I wondered whether a loving God would really wish someone to be in hell for eternity. No matter what an individual has done, we humans would think that for ever is a long time and would wish to release such a soul from hell after a period ... don't know how long! So is God less merciful than us humans? Surely not!

Then I wondered something else. C S Lewis is quoted as having said that the doors of hell are locked from the inside. Maybe the souls in hell are so intent that they are right, and God is wrong, that they do not want to leave hell. However bad the place is. Could this be a possibility to explain eternity? But then, if it is a burning fire as said in the Bible, surely anyone would want to get out!

Then I remembered another quote of C S Lewis, "There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, 'All right, then, have it your way.' "

So, maybe, (and this is me thinking), perhaps those souls who believe in God and love and obey Him go to Heaven; and the others just disappear. No more soul after their death. This is NOT Biblical of course. It is me thinking. Perhaps wrongly. Maybe at the last judgement those souls to whom God says "depart from Me" really depart for ever. 

What do you think? What does your pastor or priest think? Is it really a fiery furnace for eternity?

Distant God

 

At prayer meeting the other day a newcomer, a middle aged man we’d never met before, said he was about to celebrate his 27th Wedding Anniversary. We all congratulated him.

He said like all marriages, his had its ups and downs, including arguments and silent treatments, but overall it was OK. For their 25th Anniversary he took his wife to Paris. He said the last two years were the happiest of his marriage.

“How will you celebrate your 27th?” he was asked.

“I’m returning to Paris to bring the wife back!”

Absence makes the heart grow fonder – they say. Or - out of sight out of mind.

It all depends on your point of view.

Sometimes, wrongly, we feel God has ignored us. He is not listening. Abandoned us even. So we give Him the silent treatment. Stop praying. Stop going to church. And eventually we may drift away. We become distant. Out of sight, and out of prayer, is out of mind too.

If only we stop and think. When we feel distanced from God it is only because we have moved away. He has not left us. He is always there. Ready to welcome us back in His arms with love and forgiveness.
 
I will be with you always, to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20.

Have you ever wondered?

 

Have you ever wondered at the many things around us in life which we take for granted without questioning why? Why are things done this way? Why not change them and make them better?

For example, why are socks sold in pairs? Why not sell them in packs of three? By doing so we would stand a better chance of picking up two socks the same colour from the drawer in the dark. Think of the maths. A drawer full of socks; you have a fifty/fifty chance (50%) of choosing two the same colour. But if they were sold in threes your odds would improve. Also, the manufacturers would sell 50% more socks.

And another thing. When they say dog food is now in an improved tastier recipe; who does the tasting? Humans or dogs? 

Why is toothpaste always sold in mint flavour? How about garlic flavour toothpaste? Or ketchup flavour?

And why there's always a few drops of ketchup which stick stubbornly at the end of the bottle? No matter how much I hit the bottle the last of the ketchup will not come out. Why is that? 

Have you noticed that washing up powders which you put in washing machines for your clothes always smell nice like spring-time, or flowery meadows, or mountain air, and other pleasing aromas reminiscent of pleasant freshness. Why not have washing powder that smells of the seaside? Dead fish and rotting sea weeds?

If there are so many stars out in space, how come it is always dark at night? 

If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it, does it remain upright?

Have you wondered what would happen if you put a bicycle in the fridge? I'll tell you; you can't shut the door.

How do you know that when you shut the fridge door the little light has gone out? What if it stays on all the time and you know nothing about it? All that wasted electricity used for nothing and contributing to global warming.

I believe that global warming and increases in temperatures are the result of candles. We light candles everywhere. In restaurants, in churches, at romantic dinners, on birthday cakes, and even in the bathrooms when we have a hot bath. Scented candles everywhere with various aromas like lavender, vanilla, lilac, sweet pea, lemon, lasagna, pizza, escargots, engine oil, trash centre recycling unit and so on. All these candles create extra heat and then we wonder why there's global warming and we blame the cows for creating so much methane when they break wind.

Why not redirect all that breaking wind towards wind turbines and make them go round faster? Has anyone ever thought of that as a solution? Cows are in fields, wind turbines are in fields - combine the two and you have an instant solution. Why do I have to point the obvious to so-called clever scientists?

What would happen do you think if scientists crossed a cow with a shark? Chances are they would not be able to milk it; but it would certainly not produce any methane. 

Did you know when a whale breaks wind it is so forceful that it propels it forwards 20 miles?

And did you know that one benefit of growing older is that your secrets are safe with your friends; because they can't remember them. 

The other day I was at the pub and an elderly woman came and sat beside me. She looked at me smiling and asked me whether she comes to this pub often.

And on that note, I'd better stop because I can't truly remember at which pub I was and whether it is prudent to meet her again. 

Memories and Nostalgia

 

Sitting here writing this Blog reminded me of my school days. Oh the memories ... Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. In the old days nostalgia was thinking lovingly about the past. These days it is thinking about the cell-phone you had three months ago.  

Anyway, back to my school days. I remembered our English teacher Percy Veer. That's what we called him because of his patience with us. He once told me, "Your grammar stinks!" I told my dad about it. He asked, "Which grandma? Because my Mom smells of lavender!" 

We also had an English Literature teacher. He was called William after his namesake William Shatner from Star Trek. His name was William Mozart.

Our music teacher had an appropriate name too; Johann Sebastian Shakespeare. He had an authentic antique violin made by Rembrandt. He brought it to school and it sounded awful. Just like a pregnant cat vomiting an elephant. He also claimed to have a painting by Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Stradivarius could not paint; and Rembrandt was very bad at making violins.

We had a teacher called Athena who taught us Greek Mythology. I was not good at this subject. It was my Achilles Heel. All I remember is a poem we made as kids:  

There once was a goddess called Aphrodite

Who wore a pink see-through nightie

And the closer you looked

It was clear you were hooked

By her curves which were certainly all-righty.

I hated sports at school. There was a boy called Harry Bean who ran very fast and won all the races. We called him Haricot Bean, or Runner Bean. 

I also hated woodwork. My teacher said I was only good at turning wood into saw dust.

I did not excel at anything. I had failure written all over me from that early age. The other kids did it with their Biro pens. 

One teacher predicted that I'll go down in history. Also math, geography, science and artwork. He was wrong. I did not attend the artwork exam because I was not well that day. My absence increased the overall class average score by 30%.

I always wanted to be on stage performing something. Our drama teacher said that when I sing I disturb wildlife for miles around. He suggested I just mime the words. Once I missed rehearsals and everyone thought the piano had been tuned. 

All in all, not much of a success from early on in my life. True, nostalgia is not always a fond thing.

Now I am thinking of KFC.

Card Trick

 

Let me teach you a card trick which I have filmed deliberately slowly so you can see how it is done.

Answered Prayers

 

I was praying the other day and God spoke to me.

He said, "There are over 8 billion people in the world and I seem to be spending 90% of my time dealing with your prayers!"

"Oh ..." I said, not knowing whether this was a good thing or whether He was perhaps hinting something. He soon made it clear.

"Lighten up!" He continued, "it's good that you pray for so many people but is it necessary every time to mention each one by name? I know who they are; I don't need to know their Zip Code!

"Why not group your people as appropriate? Like family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, Blog readers and contributors, and so on? This way you'll save yourself and Me a lot of time?"

"But ..." I hesitated, "they all have so many different needs!"

"And don't you think I know that?" He asked.

I'll admit He had a point. I wanted to say, "Touché" but I thought it would be impertinent so I kept quiet.

"Praying for others is good and commendable," He said to encourage me, "prayers are the best gifts people can receive and give to each other. They show a generous spirit and that we love and care for each other. As Jesus taught. But let's not go over the top. You can pray for other people any time when they come to mind. You think of a person, or you meet someone, and you know they need me in their lives; then just say a few words silently. Nothing much, just a word or two. Without them knowing about it. I'll be listening and will act on your prayers in my way and in good time."

I suddenly realised that I had been distracted in my prayers. So I continued. "Where was I? ... Oh ... Aunt Edna, Uncle Barnabas, Aunt Philomena and Uncle Jehoshaphat and their children ... now what are their names?"

Saint Peter's Book

 

Saint Peter opened Heaven's Gates and let me into a side room with his name on the door. He pointed at a chair and then he sat at his desk. He looked much older than I expected, but then, he is over two thousand years old, I thought.  

He asked me my name, which he knew full well. "Just checking," he said, "I don't want to let just anyone in!"

He opened a big hard-covered book which he had on his desk. It was at least a million pages thick. I thought he'd check for my name in alphabetical order, but to my dismay he started at the first page.

"Is the whole of this book about me?" I asked in trepidation.

"Yes," he replied without looking up, "it records all the things that you have done wrong. The one with all the good things you did is much thinner and will only take seconds to read!"

"But, you're not going to read all the wrongdoings I did when I was young ... I was different then ... you're not going to read all that?" I said fearfully.

"Would you prefer we wait until they make it into a film?" he said, again without looking up, "and what a horrendous film it would make. It would be more than X rated by the censors, although we don't have censors over here. All things done in life, even those done in secret, will be revealed and judged accordingly for eternity!"

I felt a little hot under the collar.

"It's getting hot in here," I mumbled.

"Yes," he said, "that's the devil stoking up the furnaces. We get some of his heat. But it will get much cooler when we leave here ... for one of us!" he added ominously.

I was terrified out of my mind. I knew I was doomed. I must have cried a little because I could feel the tears trickling down my legs.

"Is it hot enough for you?" he asked.

I shook my head left and right gasping for breath. I woke up and looked at the clock on my bedside. The thermometer recorded 29*C (85*F). 

I spent the rest of the night remembering my sins and asking God for forgiveness.

You'd better do the same before Saint Peter reads your book.

English as she is spoke

 

We are forever inventing new catch phrases and meaningless sayings which are often repeated to the point of becoming inane nonsense.

I received an e-mail the other day which said: Hi, I am Wendy, your Carbon Neutral Living Customer Advisor.  

What does that mean and what has it to do with a company selling books?

I replied: Happy to hear it, Wendy. Every day I burn my toast to a cinder and cremate the roast when I put it in the oven. At least you are off-setting any carbon that I produce.

Her e-mail went on to say how her company has reduced their carbon footprint. What's all that about? Did they give everyone smaller shoes?

An Organisation I know has a Company slogan for their staff "Unlock Your Potential". Another nonsense. Why is peoples' potential locked in the first place? You employ people to work. If they are not giving it 100% you fire them. That's how it was in my time. You don't exhort people to unlock anything.

A similar slogan I heard is "move out of your comfort zone". What does this really mean? People in life hope to live it comfortably not to go out of their way to make it difficult. What good would it do me if I moved out of my comfort zone and sat on a cactus or porcupine; it will hardly do any good for my potential!

On TV the other day a Union leader talking about a dispute said they were going to have meaningful discussions with management. Implying that up to now they were talking nonsense and shouting Yabooo Hisss and sticking their tongues out at each other.

Other silly phrases often used are global warming, climate change, environmentally friendly, no pain no gain, you can be whatever you want to be, and so on. 

The last one in particular is false. These days of automation and mechanisation and AI many people will not reach their full potential no matter how hard they try. When I was young my parents used to say, you can be whatever you want to be. I wanted to be a bicycle. That didn't happen!

The Age Gap

 

The age gap between the generations these days seems to be wider than ever before. When we were young there were two types of people - the young and the old. And to a great extent there was some kind of respect, or reverence, from one to the other. The old were revered and sometimes admired for what they had gone through in life; and the young were seen as the new hope and promise of better days to come.

I remember as a 21 years old an older person saying, "I feel sorry for you. Look what we've left you. Nuclear weapons everywhere, nations who hate each other, and the potential of world annihilation. I hope you do a good job at surviving."

Well, somehow we survived. But what have we got now? Some say the world is a better place, others would disagree; but that's not what we're discussing here.

We have a situation where there are many age gaps amongst us. Those in their teens and early twenties view anyone in their thirties and forties as old. And those in their thirties and forties see anyone over sixty as old; whereas anyone over seventy is truly ancient and belonging to the Jurassic Period.

In the Western world at least, the old are tolerated and sometimes envied because of their relative wealth compared to the youngsters of today struggling to find a job and make ends meet. 

In some cases the old are despised and blamed for the state of the world today. Whether environmentally, economically, politically or in any other way; it is always the fault of the "old" it seems for the state of the world.

And from the elderlies' point of view, do they always see the future generation with hope? Do they see them making a better job than we have? Perhaps not always so.

From my point of view, I acknowledge that the younger generation has it more difficult than we have had. 

For the first time ever in history it seems that the young of today, as a generation, will not grow up wealthier than their parents. 

Competition is much fiercer these days, not just amongst nations but also with technology, computerisation, automation and AI there will simply be less work to go around for a growing world population. 

You can see signs in your towns with many supermarkets introducing self-service check-outs for you to scan and pay for your own shopping, and many factories using less manpower as they introduce robots which do not take a tea break or sick absence and vacations. I'm sure you can think of similar examples.

But it is not in the socio-economic field that I am concerned. 

It is instead because perhaps for the first time ever we have a growing number of people, (again, in the Western world at least), who have distanced themselves from their Maker. 

Belief in God is waning. In some cases it is mocked and derided; and replaced by a new deity referred to as "The Universe" or "Nature" or such vague terms reminiscent of a time when people worshipped planets, mountains and volcanoes in search for some "thing" they believed controlled their destiny.

Yet, in my concerns, I have hope. Perhaps not so much in the next generation, but in an Almighty God, Who will help them and encourage them to grow and flourish, as He did us when we were their age.    

That man who was sorry for me when I was 21 had not counted on God being there to protect me and my contemporaries. 

That very same God is still here. Unchanging, loving and caring for every one of His creations. 

No matter what happens in future, He will be by their side to guide them ... if they let Him.

Feelings and moods

 

We are all susceptible to feelings and moods; like love, anger, melancholy, humour and so on.

For instance, I sometimes wake up grumpy. At other times I just leave her to sleep and go downstairs and make a cup of tea. 

I often take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

Honestly, I love being married. It's great to find the person I can annoy for the rest of my life. She is family. I also love my family. If it was not for my family I'd be arguing with perfect strangers.

I want my children to have all the things I could not afford at their age. Then I'll move in with them. 

Before I got married I used to sell furniture. It was my own furniture. I've always been poor. Even as a child my parents were very poor. So poor that we used to tie a dead hedgehog to a stick and use it as a toilet brush. We could not afford the things people take for granted these days. I used to lie in my bed and look up to the sky and think, "I hope one day to afford mending the roof!" I often dreamt of winning the lottery. Incidentally, how come you never see a headline like, "Psychic wins the lottery"?

My friend is very rich. I'll admit that I envy him. He has two swimming pools in his garden. He keeps one empty for people who cannot swim. I don't envy or covet his wife. I certainly would not want to meet her in a dark alley at night. She is very thin, with a white pale skin, and long black hair all over her back. None on her head; just down her back. 

Sometimes in my moods I ask myself a lot of questions; but never find the answers. For example, do aliens from outer space have tattoos? Do they wear glasses, or have beards, or earrings and piercings like we humans do? Do they like Italian food, or Greek, French or Chinese?

How do they communicate with us? Do they have a translator App which translate their language to English? What if they land in Spain or some other country?

Why do we have so many Apps these days? Our grandparents got on well without them. They had books and libraries instead. Now there's an App for everything. An App for this and an App for that, how to open a can of beans, how to wash behind your ears or fart in a bottle. What's wrong with society these days who cannot live without an App telling them how to do it?

There's even an App that corrects my spelling and grammar when I type on this computer of mine; even though sometimes I want to deliberately write something wrong to make a point.  

I just read in the papers that the man who invented "Autocorrect" has just died. May he restaurant in peace!

Here's a song about feelings to make you feel better. 

 

The soup waved at me

 

I was in Paris, sitting at one of those open-air restaurants. You know the ones, tables on the side-walks or a pedestrianised area and everyone eating outdoors.

I was enjoying a French onions soup. It started to rain. It took me ages to finish my meal as it kept replenishing.

On another occasion I was enjoying a pea soup. Suddenly it waved at me. There on the green surface I could see someone waving. It was also shouting in a tiny voice, "Heeelp ... Heeelp ..."

I looked closer into the pea. It was a tiny fly drowning. I had to act quick. I had few options.

I could ignore it and carry on eating.

I could try to fish it out with my spoon; but then it would be drowning in the spoon instead of the plate.

Or I could throw in an umbrella in case it started to rain.

I decided to call the waiter. I pointed at the fly and said in my best French, "Le mouche!"

He looked own and corrected me, "Non Monsieur ... la Mouche"

"By Jove," I said, "you have marvellous eyesight to be able to tell what sex it is!"

And now you can download my book THE SOUP WAVED AT ME FREE ... yes FREE ... from HERE  

 

Happiness

 

Happiness is a transitory state of being or of feeling. No one can be happy all the time. Happiness is also dependent upon one's circumstances at a particular point in time; and it is comparative between one person and another. What is happiness to someone may not be happiness to someone else.

To me, happiness is getting home of an evening and finding a piece of cheese in the mousetrap. It is happiness on two counts: first it tells me I have no mice in the house, and second it tells me I have something for supper.

True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends but in their worth and choice. I hope you consider me as your friend. If so, can I borrow your lawnmower?

People try to find happiness in many ways; by pursuing wealth, fame, power, influence, possessions, food and drink. 

When we consume drink, especially spiritual drink like whisky, vodka, wine and beer and the like, it goes down our asparagus and into our stomach where it is dispersed into the blood streams and makes us happy. But not always. In some people it makes them sad, or sick, or even violent; and in others it makes them vomit ... over someone's wedding dress; which at the time I thought it was funny and it made me laugh.

Laughter can be a sign of happiness. It is a feeling that originates from the stomach and rises up the asparagus and comes out of the mouth as a loud noise. If it comes out from anywhere else you're in real trouble.

Laughter is good for us. It releases dolphins into our blood streams which tickle us from the inside and makes us feel happy.

Laughter and happiness are related in some respects. Happy people often laugh. Making people laugh, however, does not always mean people are happy. They may be hiding their sadness through laughter.

Whatever your reason for laughter make sure it declares itself from the right orifice.

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

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Happy 4 July

 

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY

TO ALL OUR READERS

GOD BLESS 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

 

Check out the guitar playing.

 

Roy Orbison performs "Oh, Pretty Woman" backed by Bruce Springsteen, Elvis Costello, James Burton, Glen D. Hardin, Tom Waits, KD Lang, Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt, JD Souther, T Bone Burnett, Steven Soles, and Jennifer Warnes.

 

Talking of guitars, how about this towards the end.

Waylon Jennings

Your Grammar Stinks

 

Taken from actual Church Notices.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So, ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

At the evening service, tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.00am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7.00pm. Please use the back door. 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7.00pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7.00pm. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

 The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours