Anyone Up There?

 

A man named Fred was walking along a steep cliff one day when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall.

He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet. He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff.

So Fred began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.

"HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? HELP!"

He yelled for hours, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice.

"Fred, Fred. Can you hear me?"

"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"

"I can see you, Fred. Are you all right?"

"Yes, but . . . Who are you, and where are you?"

"I am the Lord, Fred. I'm everywhere."

"The Lord? You mean, GOD?"

"That's Me."

"God, please help me! I promise if You'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."

"Easy on the promises, Fred. Let's just get you down from there; then we can talk. Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."

"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."

"Okay. Let go of the branch."

"What?"

"I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."

There was a long silence. Finally Fred yelled,

"HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"

Have you ever felt like Fred?

We say that we want to know the will of God, but when we find out what it is, we can't handle it. It sounds too scary, too difficult.

We decide to look elsewhere. When He says, "Let go of the things that stand between you and Me, and trust Me with your life. It sounds pretty scary, but when we let go, we find freedom and safety in His hands."

Author Unknown

My Celebrity Past

 

I don't often say much about myself because I like to leave certain things private. I have mentioned that I did some stage work presenting shows for charity and also some radio work. But what I have never mentioned, until now, is that I could have been a well-known celebrity of the stage and screen; both movies and TV. Had this happened, I would probably not be writing books and posting on this Blog; and I would not have known any of you my readers. So I guess it all turned up well after all.

For example, did you know I was short-listed, down to the last five, for the star role in the film Lassie? I failed because I could not run fast enough and jump over fences. I wore a furry type coat and ran on all fours, but could not see properly through the tiny holes in the dog's head. I kept hitting trees full on and bleeding through the nose. They eventually gave the role to a real dog which they trained especially for the movie.

Also, years previously I did have a minor role in a re-make of the Victor Hugo book made into a film "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". I was the hump on the back of Quasimodo. I had to jump on the actor's back and hide under his extra large coat. As I did not have a speaking role they did not mention my name in the credits at the end of the film.

And that's not all. I also appeared, fully visible in the great movie about Cyrano de Bergerac. Again, not a speaking role, but this time fully visible, unlike my role as Quasimodo's lump on his back. In this film I was Cyrano's nose. I just hung there throughout the movie and no one even noticed.

Another major role was as the nail in Frankenstein's neck. One movie critic said my acting was a solid performance albeit a little rusty which should never again to be emulated.

So there you have it. At last modesty got the better of me and I have let it be known that at some stage, in the distant past, I too was a celebrity of sorts. I could have been famous and people would ask me for my autograph. Never copied or rivalled by the greatest of the great. Instead, I missed it by a nose, or a hump. I did not nail it at all.

Never Pick An Argument With A Woman

 

My Grandfather told me years ago never to have an argument with a woman.

DISCLAIMER: I don't think he meant all women. Some women are very reasonable you know ... like those visiting here.

(Phew ... ... ... that was close!)

As I was saying ... a few days ago I got into an argument with a woman without even saying a word. I was at the supermarket minding my own business and doing the shopping whilst following the list I was given when I heard this female voice behind me.

"You mustn't buy that melon," she said, "it is not ripe. It's as hard as stone and will taste of cucumber. It will never ripen at home. Here, let me help you."

She picked up another melon and said, "You've got to squeeze them hard here, and here, and see if the skin gives under your thumb. If it does, it is ripe. If not, put it back for some other mug to buy it!"

I said nothing and smiled.

"I see you got some tomatoes," she continued, picking them from my trolley, "they are too soft and squelchy. You need them a bit harder for a salad. Here, let me change them for you. And that cucumber too ... it's too short and will taste bitter. Short cues always do, because they have not matured properly. I'll get you a better one."

I was about to say something but then I remembered my Grandfather's advice. I did not want to start an argument with her in public. Certainly not in the supermarket. 

I got thrown out of there once for standing in the "baskets only" checkout queue when I had a trolley. I explained that I had only two items in my trolley, fewer than any of the other people with baskets with several items. But the manageress won the argument and threw me out. My Grandad was right all along. Women!!!

Anyway, I said nothing as she came back with another packet of tomatoes and a new cucumber. She then rummaged into my trolley and criticised my choice of bread, the cheese I had bought, and several other items which were wrong and could be improved with her help. 

To add to my embarrassment, she picked up an item and said in a loud voice, "shame on you buying this ... you being Catholic and all!"

That's when my wife came on the scene having been elsewhere in the shop and she said, "Mom ... leave him alone. I am training him to do the shopping!"

So there you are ... never pick an argument with a woman; especially your mother-in-law.

I remember on another occasion my wife and I were walking in the park and we saw three men attacking mom-in-law and trying to steal her handbag. I stood there shocked.

My wife said, "aren't you going to help?"

I said, "No ... three against one is a fair fight; your mom would lose if it was four against one!"

What's in a name?

 

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" said Shakespeare. But then, he never had a skunk called Rose did he? 

Choosing a name for a child or a pet should be a well thought-out procedure. Don't go for the first thing that comes to mind.

Some people name their children the most thoughtless, and sometimes cruel, of names. Like the girl I knew whom we called at college Cris. It was short for something, but we did not know or care what it was. To us she was Cris Lear.

On graduation day they call your full name when you come on stage to collect your certificate. Her full name was Crystal Shandy Lear. What sort of warped idiotic parents did she have?

Other people name their children after the names of their favourite celebrities, or after the names of all the players in their favourite football team. Or name their children after the place where they were conceived ?????? 

I knew someone called In The Car Park Behind KFC.

Naming pets can be just as troublesome if you don't choose properly. Years ago we had a small dog. I wanted to call him something macho to give him confidence, and to give me confidence too that I had a strong dog, even though I didn't. So I called him Shark. It was not a good idea when he ran loose on the beach and I ran after him calling his name.

An old man living near us, when we lived in London, one day had a small dog. I saw it in his garden. He must have called it Help because all day I heard him shout "Help ... Help ... Help ..." After an hour or so he must have found it because he stopped shouting. That afternoon there was an ambulance outside his house. I never found out why. Perhaps the dog was ill.

What has brought all this on, you may well ask. Well, the thing is we have a dog and a cat which have been named. The dog is called Sit. He gets confused when I call him, "Come here, Sit!" The cat has any name you care to call him because he doesn't listen anyway. The tortoise is called Speedy for obvious reasons and the rabbit  ... well ... I wanted to call him Tasty but I was over-ruled. He is called Bob.

Now the family want to name the fish and the frogs in our pond. I suggested Fish 1, Fish 2, Fish 3 and so on. And the same for the frogs ... 1, 2, 3, and so on up to 100 if you count the tadpoles too. What do you call those swimming creatures that become frogs? Tadpoles or newts? I call them Fish Food, because presumably fish eat them. 

Anyway, I suggested we call the fish and the frogs in numerical order. I was over-ruled once more because the family want to distinguish each creature individually so as not to give them an inferiority or an individuality complex. You know ... it's like when you have twin children you should not dress them the same and smother their individuality. I used to hate wearing my twin sister's clothes!

So there you have it; the family want to name each fish and frog individually. 

When I was young my parents called me "Hey you ..." and "Be Quiet". For the first few months as a baby they encouraged me to say my first word and then they called me "Shut Up".

My first words as a baby when I saw the world around me were, "Is that it?"

The NEW Commandments for Seniors

 

1 – Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

3 – You don't need anger management. You need people to stop irritating you.

4 – Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

5 – The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

 

6 - "On time" is when you get there.

7 – It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free...and three sizes smaller.

8 – Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

9 – You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

10 - One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

 AND THERE'S MORE ...

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

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A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house.
He got the outside.

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Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.

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Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study. His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

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My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.

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Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

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Our son asked his mother what it's like to be married so she told him to leave her alone and when he did, she asked him why he was ignoring her.

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This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.

Adultery

 

 John 8:1-11

We all know the story when the Pharisees brought to Jesus a woman caught committing adultery.

According to Jewish law she had to be stoned to death for that sin. In those days adultery was a serious offence; not like these days where many treat it as a joke.

Anyway, the scribes and Pharisees brought this woman to Jesus to see whether He would agree to her being stoned. Notice that the hypocrites that they are, they brought the woman. Where is the man, I ask?

The thing is, it is easy for religious people to hide behind hypocrisy. They stand upright and make out that they are offended by others' sins and yet they hide how truly evil they are.

In this case, they were also trying to trick Jesus into making the wrong decision. Would He follow the Jewish law or not? 

We’re told in the Gospel of John that Jesus wrote in the sand with His finger. We don't know what He wrote. I guess He wrote, ‘Dear God … will they never learn?’

But that’s not important; what is important is that after He said let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone, and when they all left one by one, Jesus turned to the woman and asked ‘Is there no one left to condemn you?’

She said ‘No one …’

And Jesus replied ‘I do not condemn you either. Go, but do not sin again.’

Now Jesus did not mean do not sin any sin whatsoever ever again for the rest of your life!

He knew that that is impossible. The woman was human, and it is natural that she would sin again. Jesus knows our human nature and He knows that we are liable to sin again and again.

What Jesus said to the woman is, do not commit that particular sin again … it is serious enough to get you into a lot of trouble with the Pharisees as well as with God Himself.

And that’s what Jesus is saying to us today.

He knows we are weak. He knows that we will sin. By saying ‘do not sin again’ Jesus is warning us to beware of those particular sins which are serious enough to lead us into damnation, and into an eternity of exclusion from our Father in Heaven.

And the point is?

 

WARNING: This post is likely to make me very unpopular.  

If something has no point it becomes pointless. Like a pencil for instance. If a pencil has no point it is pointless and of no use; unless you sharpen it again and it has a point.

It's the same with life. We need to have a point at what we do.

I hate it when I have to do something just because convention dictates it. Because others have done it and I have to slavishly do the same. Like when travelling for instance.

People would say to me, "You've been to Paris and not visited the Eiffel Tower? Or been to the Louvres?" Why should I? Millions of people before me have been to Paris and visited these and other places. Why should I do the same? Perhaps I prefer to visit a restaurant and have a nice French meal. I remember once sitting outdoors at a restaurant eating Al Fresco. That was the name of the owner. As I was served my French onion soup it started to rain. It took me ages to finish that soup; it kept refilling the plate.

Some tourists go to Italy and take photos of them pushing the Tower of Pisa. It doesn't mean I should do the same, does it? Or they go to the Sydney Opera House, or this or that place. It doesn't mean I should follow their example. When I get back to work and colleagues gleefully describe their holidays they are astounded to discover that I did not visit or take photos of certain places. "You went all the way there and did not take a photo of the place?" they ask. Why should I? I can buy a postcard of the place, or print one on the Internet.

I remember once going to the hairdresser and he asked me how was my holiday in Rome and the Vatican City. "Did you see the Pope?" he asked me.

Yeh ... like you can go there and ring the doorbell and ask to see the Pope.

In order to shut him up I said I saw the Pope and had a private audience with him.

"Really?" he asked, "what did he say?"

I replied, "He said, tell me who cut your hair so bad and I'll get your money back for you!"

And it doesn't stop at travelling; people also expect you to do certain things just because it is the convention to do so.

What? You haven't read any Shakespeare sonnets? You should do so.

Why? Why should I read his sonnets and his plays? He doesn't read any of my books. Besides his plays are boring. No car chases in any of them. Ben-Hur was written years before Shakespeare in the Old Testament times and it has a chariot race which Charlton Heston won. None of that in any of Shakespeare's writings. Can you imagine if he had written Baywatch, Magnum P.I. or Hawaii Five 0, they would have been pointless written in rhyming sonnets.

Music is not immune to the snobbery that is convention. I'll admit that I am ignorant when it comes to classical music. I know there are some tunes that I like but I cannot name them or tell you who composed them and why. When I need to know I just ask someone by humming the tune as best I can and more often than not they don't know either. I wish there was a computer app where you hum a tune and they tell you it is Mozart Piano Concerto played on the bagpipes because his piano was being retuned on that day.

Anyway, as I said earlier, no doubt this post will make me unpopular amongst my well-educated and well-travelled and knowledgeable audience. I just don't see the point of doing something just because everyone else seems to be doing it.

And that is why I refuse to take the trash out on Fridays because collection is the next day. Let someone else do it. The neighbours for instance. They seem to enjoy it. Why don't they take souvenir photos of them taking the trash out and leave me alone?

Paperless?

 

My friend Jack, a frequent visitor to this Blog, said on his Blog that some utilities are now going paperless.

It is happening here also, and it is not just utilities like electricity, and water, but other businesses too are encouraging customers to go paperless to save the planet. I don't understand that. Is the planet made of paper? How is using less paper saving the planet? Saving it from whom? 

Anyway, a number of businesses now send us their invoices by e-mail in order to go totally paperless. They now just send empty envelopes. How am I to know whose envelope has been sent by whom so that I can print the e-mail and put it in the envelope? It is creating more work for me.

I have complained to said utilities and businesses by sending them empty envelopes. Not one has replied. Not by e-mail, or by sending an empty envelope in return.

This paperless craze has caught on with some Internet shops too. I ordered some printing paper for my printer from various websites and they sent me empty packages and boxes. I mean ... how can my printer work paperless? 

Our supermarket has also joined in this stupid craze. In an attempt to go paperless they no longer sell toilet paper. You can buy an empty inner roll but not all the paper that surrounds it. 

The home improvements shop no longer sells wallpaper and you can no longer buy paper tissues, or writing paper to send people letters. Birthday and other celebratory cards will soon all be banned as being non-environmentally friendly and people will have to send their cards electronically.

Lovers will no longer be able to send each other billets doux which can be kept by ladies in shoe-boxes tied with a ribbon, and used in evidence years later as to how their husbands have changed into senseless buckets of lard. At least that's one thing in favour of going paperless.

How about you? Have you gone paperless yet?

What does your Blog say about you?

 

Someone asked me the other day, "Is yours a Christian Blog or is it meant to be a funny humourus one?"

This set me thinking. I visit a number of Blogs in my travels, and some of them are Christian in nature. You can tell by what their writers write, even if their posts describe everyday events like travelling, shopping, raising a family or whatever. You can detect a Christian message in what they say. Such Blogs are like beacons of light in a dark and secular world that is often portrayed in the Internet and social media.

You know, you don't have to be a theologian, or a pastor, vicar, priest or such like to proclaim the Word of God as you write, or as you live your life. God often uses ordinary people like you and me to help do His work on earth. He doesn't always seek out experts.

Moses was a baby who had been abandoned by his mother to save his life. He was raised in the Pharaoh's family and then had to run away as a fugitive. God asked him to go back to Egypt to set the Jews free. He felt inadequate and said he could not speak eloquently. But God used him all the same.

King David, the one who fought Goliath when he was a boy, was a simple shepherd.

Peter and his brother and other disciples were fishermen. Matthew was a tax collector. 

Paul was a tent maker from Tarsus.

None were highly educated or went to Harvard University, or Oxford or Cambridge.

But God used them. He gave them the courage to speak out, and the knowledge on what to say and how and when to say it. Through these simple people, and others, God's message spread throughout the world and lives on to this day.

Mother Teresa left home at age 18 to become a nun.The rest is history. 

Thérèse of Lisieux at the early age of 15 became a nun and became highly influential in the Church.

I am sure you can name other people who are from humble beginnings, not particularly well-educated or someone important in the church, yet they have made their mark in society and history as a beacon of light proclaiming Christianity to a world that needs it.

I reckon your Blog is, or could be, such an inspiration to others. Each one of you is special. You all have the power to be that one lit candle that brightens up a dark room. If you want to.

Absent-mindedness

I suppose it happens to all of us; and it is not an age related thing; it could happen at any age: Absent Mindedness.

We all lead busy lives and it is understandable if sometimes we forget things. Appointments, dates, birthdays, that sort of thing. They say elephants never forget. I don't think this is true. I have never received a birthday card from an elephant.

I know I can be forgetful. I forgot my wife's birthday once. She's never let me forget it ever again! I now also remember our wedding day. 

Do you remember in the olden days when in marriage ceremonies they used to say the word "obey"? They don't do that any more. Pity. It used to lend a little humour to the occasion!

I tend to forget little things. Like spending ages preparing a shopping list and then going to the supermarket without the list. Or going into a room at home and forgetting why I went there. Or going to the bathroom upstairs and then realising that we live in a one-floor bungalow.

Sometimes with forgetfulness the brain compensates by giving you good memories of past events. I'll never forget the time when a skunk got under the house and my grand-father went under to get him. It smelled bad for months. I remember, that was the last time we saw grand-dad!

If you've been drinking it is so much easier to forget. Somehow, drink helps memory loss. Years ago I was alone at home and I had a few drinks. The cat came into the house and it had brought in a mouse which it had killed. I picked up the mouse by the tail and felt very sorry for him. As I stood up, with all the drink I'd had, I felt a little hungry. I forget what happened next.

I think my worst case of forgetfulness is when I was on holiday in France, my wife and I. We were celebrating a wedding anniversary. We went to the Louvre in Paris to see some painting or other. Can't remember what! Anyway, after a while it was time to return home to England.

It wasn't until I arrived home that I realised I'd forgotten my wife in France. I must admit, I wondered once or twice why the return journey was so quiet.

If I only had time

 

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FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

WEBSITE

 

What does prodigal mean anyway?

 

PRODIGAL: spending money or using resources freely and recklessly; wastefully extravagant.

I guess we all know the parable of the Prodigal Son. A rich man had two sons, the younger one asked his father for his share of the inheritance, took the money and went away to spend it all on wine, women and songs. Personally, I would have chosen chocolate instead of one of those three.

When the money ran out, and there was a famine, the wasteful son came to his senses and returned to his father in repentance.

The father was glad to see him back and had a great feast to celebrate the return of his son.

When the older son found out he was very angry and upset because he had been faithful to his father all along, working 24/7 in the fields, and never got anything as a reward.

Now I suspect that most people, like me, would sympathise with the older brother. After all, the younger one wasted all the money away and here he is, once again, welcomed back to share even more of what is left.

But what is Jesus really trying to teach us in this parable?

He is reminding us once again about God's infinite mercy for us. Time and time again, no matter how much we sin, or how serious a sin, we should never doubt His mercy. Once a sin is repented over, God's love consigns that sin to a place where it should never again hinder our progress towards Him.

God is merciful and He forgives time and again.

Jesus said that He would leave the ninety-nine sheep and go looking for the one that is lost.

"In the same way, I tell you that there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous ones who do not need to repent" (Luke 15:7).

In human terms, it is understandable if we feel sorry for the older brother who feels hard done by in this parable. But Jesus here is not talking about money, or inheritance, or fairness.

He is telling us that God is merciful and He forgives. And we should not be jealous if He forgives someone whom we consider not worthy of forgiveness. Rather, we should be glad that one lost soul has been saved and once more returned to the family of God.

As for us, when we have sinned and repented we must be glad of God's mercy and forgiveness. We should consign our regrets, our bitterness, our self-pity and disappointments of ourselves to the past where they belong. And rejoice that we too have been welcomed back like the prodigal son.