Our Father

 

"Our Father who art in heaven....."

“Yes. How can I help you?”

”Hein? Who’s that?”

“You called Me. I’m listening …”

”I didn’t call anybody … I was just praying … The Lord’s Prayer! Our Father who art in Heaven …”

“That’s Me … Your Father in Heaven … now carry on praying …”

“Eh … Hallowed be Thy name …”

“Ha … Do you remember when you were very young you used to say ‘Harold be Thy name’? For a long time you were convinced my name is Harold; until someone put you right. What does it mean anyway … Hallowed be Thy name?”

“Eh … hmmm … does it mean you are Holy?”

“That’s right … carry on …”

“Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”

“Hold it just there … Do you really mean what you just said?”

“Sure, of course I do …”

“Or do you mean ‘Thy will be done’ as long as it is what you want? Do you really accept My will all the time? Even when it’s not convenient for you, or when life gets a little difficult?”

“Well … sometimes when things get really bad I get very worried …”

“At least you’re honest. Remember this always; when things are really bad for you it is still My will. I allow it to happen but I never abandon you. I’m always close to you … all you have to do is trust Me.”

“Gee … thanks.”

“Carry on …”

“Give us this day our daily bread …”

“Let’s stop again … This means that I will provide for all your needs. It’s good of you to ask; but rest assured that I will always provide you with what you need. Go on with your prayer …”

“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us …”

“Even your neighbour?”

“What?”

“You never forgave your neighbour after that argument you had a few days ago. In fact you still hope that you’ll get even some day …”

“But … but … You know it was his fault!”

“Of course it was … and he did apologise. But unless you truly forgive him, you truly no longer hold a grudge and have no ill-will or ill-feelings towards him; it doesn’t count does it?”

“That’s not always easy …”

“I agree … But true forgiveness means that you no longer wish any retribution or revenge against those who have hurt you. Sure, you’ll always remember the wrong done to you, but let that be a reminder to forgive them once again and to pray for them.”

“Can I go on now?”

“Yes!”

“And lead us not into temptation. But deliver us from evil.”

“This bit is a reminder that Satan is always there trying to take you away from Me. He tried to tempt My only Son Jesus, so you’re not going to be much of a challenge to him. Whenever he tries to lead you astray repeat those words over and again and I will come to your help.”

“Thank you …”

“It’s getting late; go to sleep now!” 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE WEBSITE 

Look at you

Look at you. You probably identify as a Christian. What does it mean?

You believe in God. An invisible living all-powerful being who, you claim, created the whole universe and what is in it. Including you and me. That's quite something to believe in.

You also believe that this invisible being sent His only Son to earth, and He died and was raised from the dead. Once more, that's quite something to believe in.

There's a lot of other things about God and Jesus that you believe in. 

But do you realise that you are in the minority? Most people in the world do not believe what you believe. In this secular world people believe that we are creatures like all others, definitely more advanced in evolution, and yet like all living beings when we die it means the end. We no longer exist. No Heaven, no hell, no God, Jesus and all the things you believe in.

That's quite a contrast between their beliefs and yours. A difference which is growing ever wider as time goes by, and as those who believe like you become more alienated from the world, and are viewed with suspicion or even hatred and disdain. Persecuted even.

Christianity is in retreat in many lands and cultures. Probably not where you are ... yet.

What will it take to keep you from losing your faith?

I am praying that you don't.

Know your planet

 

OUR PLANET EARTH.

Earth is the third planet from the Sun and is the largest of the terrestrial planets. The Earth is the only planet in our solar system not to be named after a Greek or Roman deity. The Earth is the only known planet to support life - not necessarily intelligent life.

The Earth’s rotation is gradually slowing. This deceleration is happening almost imperceptibly, at approximately 17 milliseconds per hundred years. At this rate the Earth will one day stop totally and one half will be always daylight whilst the other half will be dark with all night parties 24/7. 

Earth has a powerful magnetic field. This phenomenon is caused by the nickel-iron core of the planet, coupled with its rapid rotation. This field protects the Earth from the effects of solar wind. Be careful if you take minerals tablets in your diet, especially iron, as you may get stuck to the Earth and unable to move. This happens a lot to people with a magnetic personality.

70% of the Earth’s surface is covered in water. When astronauts first went into the space, they looked back at the Earth with human eyes for the first time, and called our home the Blue Planet. And it’s no surprise. 70% of our planet is covered with oceans. So there is no need to add water or ice to your whisky. A large percentage of whisky and other drinks is water anyway.

Earth doesn’t take 24 hours to rotate on its axis. It’s actually 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4 seconds. This is the amount of time it takes for the Earth to completely rotate around its axis; astronomers call this a sidereal day. This is because the Earth is putting on weight and gets heavier each year and is slowing down. Very much like an overweight person takes longer to turn round when pirouetting.  

A year on Earth isn’t 365 days. It’s actually 365.2564 days. It’s this extra .2564 days that creates the need for leap years. That’s why we tack on an extra day in February every 4 years. On average, people born on 29 February don't necessarily live longer than the rest of us. 

The Earth is not actually round in shape. In fact, it is geoid. This simply means that the rounded shape has a slight bulge towards the equator. So what causes this geoid shape? This happens solely because the rotation of the Earth which causes the bulge around the equator. If, like me, you don't care about this; just ignore it and read on.

Only 3% water of the earth is fresh. The other 97% is salted. Of that 3%, over 2% is frozen in ice sheets and glaciers. Means less than 1% fresh water is found in lakes, rivers and underground. Save water - drink whisky neat!

The Earth tilts at roughly 66 degrees. So do I after a few whiskies.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The Earth's surface is 70% water. That water is un-carbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

==============

What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

============== 

Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

============== 

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"
 

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know Him! He's the greatest, isn't He? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the Pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
 

 The alien sees that the Pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize. "Maybe He likes our chocolate better than yours?"
 

 The Pope retorts, "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
 

The alien says "Yea, when He first visited our planet we gave Him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"

Doing my bit

 

There's so much talk these days about saving the environment, helping the planet, reducing our carbon footprint, plastic waste, global warming, climate change and similar slogans that mean very little to most people.

We did not have all this when we were young. The planet seemed able to look after itself without our interference. 

The other day I was in the library standing by the Natural History section reading a book. A man approached me and said, "Do you realise that whilst you've been standing here they have pulled down 25 square miles of rain forest?"

So I moved somewhere else. I don't want to be blamed for the deforestation of any forest. 

I sat at a table reading. The man next to me was reading a book on World Population. Apparently, there's over 8 billion of us. He was reading a chapter on births and deaths. He told me, "Do you know, every time I breath in and out a person dies." I suggested he uses a better mouthwash.

In my own minuscule way, I am doing my bit to save the planet.

I have now decided to wash only half of my car at a time. Some weeks I wash the left side, other weeks the right side of the car. I plan beforehand where I'll be parking my car and whether people on the side-walk will see the left or right side of the vehicle. I'm saving water, soap, and ultimately the planet.

I've also decided to stop adding ice or water in my whisky. I drink it neat saving more water.

I often look at people from on top of my spectacles to save wearing out the lenses.

I used to walk home following the route the bus would take from town in order to save money. Now I follow the route the taxi would have taken and save even more money.

When people ask me for help or favours I usually make an excuse and ignore them thus saving the energy it would take in doing what they want or need. My wife is particularly upset about this; but I ignore her for the sake of the planet.

So you see, all this saving the planet and the environment talk is good as far as I'm concerned because I can get away from doing a lot of chores. Like painting the fence and gate - I said let's save some paint and do the job in a year or so. Like mowing the lawn - let's save electricity and not use the lawnmower that often; how about doing it next month. Like visiting the in-laws - let's save some gas and do it next year.

If you put your mind to it there's a lot of jobs you can postpone and procrastinate on in the name of saving the planet! What do you think?

As I Quote Myself

... ... after the evening meal, my boss, a woman in her early thirties, went up to her room. Before she left the table she asked me discretely to follow her a few minutes later. She gave me a duplicate plastic card to use in that contraption which opens the hotel room door. She said she wanted to discuss my annual appraisal report.

I was hesitant at first. I sipped my coffee slowly to waste time and to gather enough courage to decide what to do. My boss was not one to argue with. When she said, “Jump” we replied, “How high”, rather than question her request – or should I say her command.

A few minutes later I entered her room and it was empty. I said loudly, "Hello ... anyone here?"

Her voice replied from the bathroom, "I'm in the shower. Come in!"

I was astounded and frightened at this request which, as I said earlier, sounded more like a command.

My boss had a certain reputation amongst the office gossip grapevine but I never quite believed it. It seemed that now was the time for me to sample such a reputation.

I did not know what to do, especially since my future career at this firm depended so much on her and her appraisal of me. I hesitated for a while.

"Get a move on," she cried impatiently from the bathroom, "I'm not going to wait all night!"

Those were her exact words; I still remember them clearly. She obviously meant business and my future life flashed in front of my eyes.

I was totally confused. I sought guidance from my abbreviated Catechism which I carried in my pocket but I could not find an answer in a hurry. They really should have a better index in those books.

I took off my jacket and put it on the back of the chair. Then I took off my shoes. I had a big hole in one of my socks!

Before I could go on any further she came out of the bathroom fully clothed and speaking on her cell-phone. Apparently you get a better reception in the shower than anywhere else in her hotel room.

"Why have you taken your shoes off?" she asked.

"I did not want to dirty the carpet!" I replied unconvincingly.

I wonder if she believed me. Fortunately I got a good annual appraisal although she did say I often get the wrong end of the stick.

 *******

AS I QUOTE MYSELF is not a biography of a famous celebrity, or other well known personality telling you how they made it good from extreme poverty to being as successful as they are today. Instead, these are the memoirs of someone you’ve probably never heard of, (unless you’re related to him), but yet with a story to tell.

A series of calamities and misfortunes with humourous outcomes which are sure to make you smile, if not laugh out loud. At least that’s what he hopes! AS I QUOTE MYSELF are the memoirs of no one in particular except the one from whose memories they originate.

*******

AMAZON REVIEWS

*****  Victor's imagination knows no bounds! Were I only to possess a kernel ... but will be content to applaud from the sidelines. Myra G.

*****  I was first introduced to Victor's work in the blogging world. I was so enamored with his great sense of humor, that I never hesitated when he announced this book on his blog, "Time for Reflections". It is so refreshing to read a humorous book filled with wit and humor without the need to spice it up with vulgar language or sexual undertones. Victor shows us, page after page, life is quite humorous -especially when you don't mind making yourself the brunt of the joke. An easy to read - delightful page turner - Victor has once again hit a home run with this little charmer! LJC.

*****  I did not know that as the author of this book I could leave a review; but I tell you folks, my memoirs made me laugh so much I had to write them sitting down. A book not to be missed especially if you are throwing it at someone. Makes an ideal Christmas or Birthday present to someone you don't like. A book with non-boomerang qualities. Will not return when thrown. The only book in the world written slowly to make it last longer. Not edible but can be grilled or barbecued safely. Victor S E Moubarak.

AVAILABLE FROM AMAZON in Paperback, Kindle version as well as Audiobook and Alexa.

AMAZON LINK HERE 

Who's watching you?

 

There's a rumour going round here, from a friend who studies outer-space and visitors from other planets, that aliens from other worlds have landed here and are able to take the form of animals in our homes and farms. A bit like the shape shifter named Odo in Star Trek. Do you remember Odo? He could change his shape into anything or anyone.

Well, according to my friend, Ivor Anomaly, space aliens have landed on our planet years ago and take the shape of our pet dogs, cats or farm animals; parrots even, or birds in your garden. This way they infiltrate our lives and observe us quietly and send back information to their mother-ship parked nearby in the shape of a tree, trash bin or even a fire hydrant. Just like the telephone box in Doctor Who's Tardis.

Have you noticed how sometimes your dog would look at you intently with his head tilted to one side? He is gathering information ready to transmit to his colleagues nearby; like the recipe of your favourite cookies whilst you're baking, or the items on your shopping list.

Ivor warns us to be careful whilst undressing in front of our pets. They look confused at first and think that we are shedding our outer skin; yet all the time they are transmitting all they see to their spy satellite nearby. Also, never take a shower or have a bath with your pet dog or cat watching you. It may well confuse him and send the wrong information to his colleagues.

Another friend of mine is convinced that his new memory mattress is in fact a shape shifter from another planet because the mattress is now blackmailing him about who he had in his bedroom. 

Mrs Fathead from 15 Acacia Avenue down the road told me that her dog turned her husband into French fries and then ate him off the dining room table whilst she was on the phone. She hasn't seen her husband since they had a row that very morning.

There is as yet no evidence that shape shifters can look like inanimate objects like your clothing, or shoes, or the lamp stand. But people are wondering how sometimes you seem to have lost your car keys, spectacles, TV remote control and other things; and they are not where you last left them. Is it a space alien moving from one place to another, one wonders? 

In summary, be careful around your pets as they may not be what they seem. Were you there at their birth? How can you be sure they are not from outer-space?

Experiencing the walk

 

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshipped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:22-33

At the top of this Blog I have the saying: It is no point having faith in a Master who walks on water if we do not trust Him enough to follow Him.

It is a reminder that to be a follower of Jesus we really have to trust Him with everything that happens in our lives.

Peter experienced that walk on water. To him it was real, not a dream or a hallucination. It was something that happened to him and was witnessed by others; and it was considered important enough to be written about for us to read so many years later. To Peter, that experience will remain with him for the rest of his life. He actually walked on water.

But then he hesitated, he got frightened, and began to sink.

Just like us really. We claim to have faith in Jesus, and in God, and at the slightest difficulty in life we tend to lose faith.

Jesus asks us to come to Him through the ups and downs in our lives. Have we the courage and faith to trust that He will support us in all circumstances?  

If we look back over our life, there must have been moments when we knew for certain that God was there for us at times of trouble or difficulties. These are landmarks serving as reminders that our Lord and Master was there for us. Our own walking-on-water moments. 

Let these landmarks sustain us at times when we too hesitate and start sinking. Let them remind us to pray, "Lord, save me!" Just like Peter did. 

And let them renew our faith that He is truly the Son of God.

I believe

 

 

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

WEBSITE

The Gift

 

If someone gives you a gift and you don't open it, it just remains a package wrapped in colourful paper. It only becomes a gift when you open it, appreciate it, and perhaps say thank you to whoever gave it to you.

A box that has not been opened is not a gift.

God gave us the gift of eternal life. Let us consider this:

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

He so loved us ... loved us beyond measure and compare ... that He gave His only Son for us. Can you imagine that? Would you give your only son as a sacrifice for others?

But there is a condition to God's gift of His Son. "... that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." We need to accept this gift of eternal life by believing in Jesus as the Son of God.

Many people have heard of Jesus and put Him at the back of their mind. Didn't give Him another thought. That's like having an unopened gift somewhere in the house. They could not care less about it never mind appreciate it and be thankful for it.

To accept God's gift of eternal life we must believe in Jesus. 

The quote from John 3:16 says plainly that those who do not accept the gift will perish. Read it again carefully.

Those who do not believe in Christ shall perish. By that, it does not mean that when they die their soul will die too. No ... every soul is immortal and will go on for eternity. By perish, it means here that the soul will go on living in the absence of God.

If Heaven is spending eternity in the presence of God, then Hell is existing in the absence of God.

Now I know that some of my readers will mock and laugh at what I say. Never mind. The gift is still there should they care to open it and be thankful for it.

My first dates

 

Do you remember your first date? Was it romantic? Did stars twinkle in the sky and soft music fill the air?

I guess the dating scene has changed over the years. If I was dating today I'd just phone for a pizza to be delivered and open a couple of cans of beer. Saves the hassle of having to dress up and put on a tie. 

I remember my first date. I wanted to impress and there was a new McDonald's in town. I rang them to make a reservation and they said that I cannot book a table in advance. So I went to another fast food restaurant nearby which I knew would have a table because it was always empty. People just went in for a quick take-out meal and left. As we sat there I soon realised I made a mistake. I was not impressed by their wine list, because they did not have any. No waiter service either. The girl at the counter said she'd wrap my fish and chips in a paper bag and I was invited to sit at a table in the corner. She also suggested a couple of cans of soft drinks.

First dates are difficult because I do not know what to say. Do I ask direct questions like what is your opinion about the rate of inflation compared to the GDP of the country at this point in time?

Or do I go for something more subtle like, what is your favourite colour? Do you believe there are animals in Heaven and what would you say if you met a KFC you had for lunch? 

First dates are important because it is an opportunity to get to know the other person better. I usually show great interest in the lady I am dating and ask her questions about herself. Like, do you have a criminal record? Did you finish your education and go to University? How much are you earning? 

I must admit, I have not been very successful with this line of questioning. I guess the ladies I dated were too shy to talk about themselves. 

I said to a date once, "Do you know that my uncle invented the colour mauve? He was in a shop with his wife and she picked up a garment and asked him what colour it was. He was in a hurry to get home so he said, "Come on ... move!" She said, "That's a lovely colour, mauve!"

I told another girl, "My uncle discovered the East Pole. He could not pin it down because it kept moving away from him as the earth rotated. When he went to the North Pole he sat on a block of ice and took photos of the scenery - he developed Polaroids!"

That line of conversation did not work either. So I tried chat-up lines.

I was once fortunate to date a well-to-do young lady who liked horse riding and competed at events. I said to her "Marry me Celestine and I’ll never look at another horse again!" For some reason she slapped my face and I never saw her after that.

Another young lady had a beautiful petite nose, so to compliment her I said, "Did you pick your nose yourself, or were you born like that?" Another slap in the face and a no-show after that.

Other lines used unsuccessfully were:

"Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!"

"If I were a cat I'd spend all 9 lives with you."

"Please call 9-1-1, because you just made my heart stop!"

"Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first." (Borrowed from Groucho Marx).

I guess women were not interested in me.

Until one day ... ... ...

How about your first dates? 

Going to church with Rain Man

 

I recently went to church with a young autistic lady aged about twenty and her mother.

The young girl behaves and acts very much like Rain Man (Raymond Babbitt) in the Dustin Hoffman film of that name.

We were not at Mass. This was an evening meeting where we had a visiting speaker going on for hours on end discussing missionary work in various countries around the world.

The young lady’s mother left her with me and went to the kitchen just by the Sacristy to help prepare the teas and coffees and other refreshments for after the talk is over.

The talk started and the young lady’s mother had not returned, so we sat down and listened to the visiting speaker relating stories from various far off lands.

It was a very hot summer’s evening; and after a few minutes of sitting there, the hardness of the wooden church pews combined with the humid stickiness of the atmosphere to create a very uncomfortable feeling in the Southern regions of the human anatomy.

To be fair, my companion stayed quiet throughout the long ordeal although it was obvious she was getting a little uncomfortable and tired with the monotony of it all.

Eventually the visiting speaker stopped and the priest asked us to stand up for final prayers.

As we stood up I noticed that the woman in the pew just in front of me must have been wearing a thong. Either that, or she was not wearing any underwear at all. The reason I say this, apart from its obviousness, is that as she stood up her delicate flowing skirt got caught or wedged within the crack of her voluptuous derriere revealing its ample contours and curvatures.

Now normally one would tend to ignore such a distraction and look the other way; and believe me I tried; even though she was standing only inches in front of me. But what was an unexpected distraction for me became something completely different to my young lady friend. For her this was not right at all.

To my horror, she lent forward and carefully pulled out the skirt from whence it was caught.

Surprisingly, the woman in front of me did not feel a thing and did not react whatsoever.

I shook my head violently and whispered to my friend to leave it as it is.

To my double horror and near heart-attack she proceeded to lean forward once again and replace the skirt in its previously wedged position.

This time the woman felt someone touching her particular sunset; she turned round suddenly to see me standing right behind her and my companion busily reading the hymn book she’d picked up.

She was about to slap my face when she suddenly remembered where she was.

She sat down promptly and said nothing.

We waited until prayers were over and everyone was leaving. I asked my young friend to go and help her mother in the kitchen, and then I tried to explain to the unfortunate woman what had happened and that it was not really me who tried to do what I did not do.

I doubt she believed me and she left without saying another word.

And that’s another confession I’ll have to explain to my priest. He said once he looks forward to my confessions as he’s never laughed so much in his life.

Death wish

 

I have some sad news to relate as well as being in need of some advice.

An acquaintance of mine has recently died. To call him a friend would be a bit of an exaggeration. He lived a few houses down the road. We used to be nodding acquaintances. That is, whenever we met in the street, we nodded at each other and said, "Good morning, Good evening, Hello, Good bye," and such like words out of politeness.

He died a few weeks ago and I did not know anything about it. I had not seen him for some time and had assumed that he moved to another town or was perhaps on holiday.

The first I heard of his demise was when I received a letter from a local firm of solicitors.  

I went to their offices as invited and sat there solemnly whilst an elderly dust covered lawyer read this deceased acquaintance's last will and testament.

Anyway, this deceased ex-neighbour from down the road, with no doubt a pickled brain, did not have much to his name whilst alive, but what he had, he left it all to me.

Namely: His prized collection of Madagascar hissing cockroaches.

At first, I did not know what a Madagascar hissing cockroach was. The aged solicitor explained and said that the collection consisted of some thirty or so wonderful specimens.

In my naivety, I thought that I could take possession of these carcasses and then donate them to the local science museum, or some other entomological association. But when they arrived in their glass tank I became the proud owner of thirty-seven live hissing revolting creatures all running around their glass enclosure wondering who I am.

I will not describe the scene in our household when these uninvited guests arrived. Suffice it to say that relationships have been strained to breaking point. The delivery man was not interested in my dilemma. All he wanted was my signature and then he fled never to be seen again.

The tank was deposited in our entrance hall, on a table, where it still rests to this day. With their arrival was a note on how and when to feed them. Apparently, they eat fresh vegetables and dry dog food pellets.

And that's where I need your advice my friends. How can I get rid of thirty-seven live, uninvited, unwanted, unwelcome, bequeathed Madagascar hissing cockroaches?

Do you want any? 

Beware - Catholic Jokes ahead

 

Hi everyone,

If like me you're a Catholic, you can either enjoy these jokes privately or you can disapprove by shaking your head at me. But whatever you do, do not tell my priest or the Pope about this post.

If you're not a Catholic, you can perhaps smile at us. For example, what is it with the Catholics about Sunday collections? Sometimes they pass the plate round twice, on one occasion they passed it round three times at one Mass. Our church has now installed a "payment by Credit/Debit card" machine. I am waiting for Confessions by email next. 

Anyway, here goes ...

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up. Little Mary declares, "I want to be a prostitute." "What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Mary repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!' "

************************************ 

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law then." 

**************************************

A farmer goes to his priest and asks if he would conduct a funeral for his dead sheepdog. Obviously the priest refuses. The farmer is distraught and asks, "Tell me Father ... do you think if I go to the Anglican church down the road the vicar there would do the funeral for $100?"

The priest replies, "Wait a minute my good man ... you did not tell me the dog was Catholic!" 

************************************* 

I remember as a young man going to confession; it was such a long time ago. I told the priest that a young lady and I had been amorous and we were not married. It was a mortal carnal sin, I believe.

The priest was shocked out of his cassock.

"That is terrible," he said, "terrible ... terrible is the word for it. Tell me, was it with Eileen from the butcher's shop?"

"No ..." I replied.

"In that case ... was it with Sophie from the baker's down the road?" he asked again.

"No Father ... it was not her," I said hesitantly.

"Or was it with Doris who works at the candlestick maker?" he persisted.

In fact it was not with any of the young girls he mentioned but he gave me some good leads in that confession.

 

*************************************** 

Once upon a time there was a priest who used a bicycle to go everywhere in his parish in order to save money and to save the planet. He even cycled all the way to another town when he had to see the bishop.

One day his bicycle was stolen. He rang the bishop to explain why he could not visit.

The bishop suggested that on Sunday he delivers a sermon on the Ten Commandments. "Read each Commandment in turn," he advised, "and then talk a little about each one. When you get to the seventh Commandment shout out loud THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, and then watch the congregation to see if anyone winces or shrinks in his seat, or looks down shamefully, or tries to leave. He is your thief."

The following week the priest cycled to the bishop. The bishop greeted him and said, "I see you got your bicycle back. Did you catch the thief?"

The priest replied, "actually, when I got to the sixth Commandment, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle!"

 

OK ... enough of that. I see our Deacon is visiting us. He's just got off his bike and is walking up our drive. I'd better stop now.  

Keep smiling my friends. God bless.

Song Saves Twenty Babies

BACKGROUND - Father Francis Maple is a Franciscan monk who celebrated his 60th Anniversary as a priest in 2023. (Click his name for website link).

Some years ago Father Francis recorded a Pro-Life song entitled A Cry from the Heart which was released originally on casette tapes and later on CDs. 

The song has saved many babies from abortion. Their pregnant mothers heard the song and decided not to proceed with abortion.

Years later Father Francis met a young boy who told him that his mother heard the song when pregnant and decided not to have an abortion. The boy said he owed his life to the priest. Father Francis has received over 20 other similar testaments of babies being saved.

I've put this and other Father Francis Maple songs on You Tube - Check them out HERE.

Father Francis has sung in public over the years in malls, shopping centres, bus stations and at his own concerts and has raised over £1m for charity. 

He has also written several books (sermons, cooking recipes, jokes), and has contributed to many newspaper columns and Catholic newspapers and magazines. He has spent a lot of time travelling throughout the UK leading Missions in various churches.

Mommy keep me safe, mommy keep me warm

Handle me with care, mommy help me to form.

I am ten weeks old, and I know the time will come
when you will give birth to me.

The gift you gave to me are a pair of bright blue eyes
So some day I will see you smile and love me.

I’ve already got my arms and a little podgy nose,
And at the end of my feet I’ve got five little toes.

I look forward to my life, ice cream and slimy snails,
teddy bears and little fairy tales.

Going for walks in the park
Running home before it’s dark.
And being tucked into bed with a kiss.

Where are we going today?
Am I in a boat or bus?

Why are we lying down?
Being drawn on four wheels?

And we go through the door
and there’s people dressed in green.
Everything seems so strange and so clean.

Mommy if they hurt you just let out a scream
and I know someone will come to help you and me.

Mommy what’s going on I am starting to cry
Come quickly they are forcing me to die.

They are killing me mommy, they are pulling me apart
My arms and my legs and now they’re at my heart.

And I won’t see the sky, or the grass or the trees.
and I won’t see the moon, or feel the breeze.

I love you mommy dear, you know I really do
But I only wish you could have loved me too!

What does "Give us this day our daily bread" really mean?

 

WHAT DOES

"Give us this day our daily bread"

REALLY MEAN?

 

CLICK HERE