The Laughter Highway

 

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

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A priest passes away and goes to heaven. He arrives at St Peter’s gate and joins the back of the queue. Shortly after, Bob the bus driver passes away. St Peter sees Bob and waves at him - “Bob! Come on over! Please go through you’re very welcome and please enjoy heaven you deserve it!”
The priest is flabbergasted and confused. He rushes towards St Peter. “Your holiness! I don’t understand. I have dedicated my entire life to God. How comes Bob gets to jump the queue before everybody else?”
“Well, you see… When you had your church service, all those who attended were falling asleep, but when Bob was driving his bus all the passengers were praying”

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A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and £20,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

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Whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy now.

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A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

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I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver. Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

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The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. “Well,” said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, “she’s there.”

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If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it at church?