Facts I did not know

 

I have gathered together some facts I did not know in case you don't know them either.

Did you not know that in men's shirts the buttons are on the right hand side of the shirt and the button holes are on the left. Whereas on a lady's blouse it's the other way round. The buttons are on the left and the button holes are on the right. Why is that? Does anyone know?

I went to the supermarket the other day. I found tuna in a tin. Also pilchards in a tin. As well as sardines, anchovies and also crab meat; and I believe they have prawns in tins too. But there was no goldfish in a tin. Why is that? Does anyone know?

I asked the shop attendant and he did not know. I asked to see the manager and they asked me to leave the shop or be thrown out.

Years ago I joined an orchestra. I've always fancied myself as a musician playing in an orchestra famous tunes like Nessun Dorma from Turandot, or the Triumphal March from Aida. The maestro type person out front asked me what instrument do I play. I said the paper and comb. You know ... you fold a bit of thin cigarette paper on a comb and hum. They threw me out of the orchestra. They said there has never been a paper and comb musical instrument in any orchestra in the world. Does anyone know why not? 

I was reading about Albert Einstein the other day. I don't know why. He never reads my books anyway. 

Did you know that he said that a dropped object does not fall down in a straight line, but it curves as it falls down? Instead of falling vertically down, the object's line of travel will bend a little as it falls. He called this phenomenon GEODESIC ORBIT. Read all about it by clicking on the words. It's fascinating.

Have you ever been fascinated? I was fascinated once by a nurse. She did it with a needle in my arm.

Anyway, back to Einstein. You will not see the curve of a dropped object here on earth because you're too close and the object drops very fast. A dropped object here on earth drops at a speed of 32 feet per second, per second. This means that speed increases as the object is dropped from a great height. 

However, if you go out in space and a man on earth dropped an object, you will still not be able to see the curvature of the dropped object because you're too far away.

Moving on to another scientist. Charles Darwin for instance. He was as clever as Einstein. That is because he did not spend his time playing computer games but stayed in after school and did his homework and more besides.

He claimed that creatures evolve. There is some truth in this. In Northern England there was a particular species of moth which was white. As industries grew and factories and homes burnt coal; more and more buildings became darker in appearance as the coal dust from the smoke settled on brickworks and generally everywhere.

In time, the moth bred a new offspring which was darker in colour to enable it to camouflage from its prey. So a different species evolved. In essence it was the same moth which changed colour through the generations. When eventually Britain stopped burning coal and new buildings were put up, after various generations the moth changed back to its original lighter colour.

I went to see my lawyer the other day. It was evening. A moth flew in through the window and asked him for help. "I'm always sad and depressed," she said, "I always fear the worst and I'm afraid of the dark!"

"I can't help you," said the lawyer, "I am not a psychiatrist!"

"I know," replied the moth.

"Why did you come in then?" asked the lawyer.

The moth replied, "because the lights were on!"

Why are moths attracted to light? Does anyone know? And what do they do at daytime when the lights are switched off? Do they fly towards the sun? It must take them ages to get there and once they do they get burnt like Icarus. 

Icarus got burnt because he suffered from hubris. 

Hubris describes a personality quality of extreme or excessive pride or dangerous overconfidence, often in combination with (or synonymous with) arrogance.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Never rely on what you think you know.  Proverbs 3:5

Time for smiles

 

Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir?”

Me: “Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter: “Rare it is!”

Little Tommy asked the teacher to help him get his shoes on at the end of a busy day. After quite a struggle with the shoes, which were a little tight, his teacher finally got them on.

'They're on the wrong way round, Miss,' mumbled Tommy.

She realises that he is right; they are on the wrong feet. Staying calm she swaps them over for him. 'They're not my shoes, Miss,' Tommy murmurs again.

The teacher fights hard to keep her cool and asks Tommy why he hadn't told her before. She then kneels down again and helps him pull the shoes off.

'These aren't my shoes, they're my brother's and Mum told me not to tell
anyone.'

At this point his teacher can feel tears coming. She helps him back into his shoes. She gets him into his coat and wraps his scarf round his neck.

'Where are your gloves, Tommy?' she asks quietly.

'Oh, Miss, I always put them in my shoes!'

A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond. The chicken said ‘What’s your name?’

‘Bond, James Bond, what’s yours?’ came the reply.

‘Ken, Chick Ken.’

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA Kit, so I just announced that I had won the Lottery.

I soon found out who all my relatives are.

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

And now some religious humour.
 

 

Love ...

LOVE IS ...

Helping your wife change the tires and the oil in the car ...

LOVE IS ...

Putting on the subtitles on TV whilst she's talking ...

LOVE IS ...

Not forgetting to pick up some flowers from a grave on the way home from work ...

LOVE IS ...

Saying sorry when you don't even know what you're apologising for ...

LOVE IS ...

Pretending to like her mom and not hide her broomstick when she lands unexpectedly ...

LOVE IS ...

Reminding her not to vacuum clean the house when football is on TV ...

LOVE IS ...

Laminating a card with the words "I love you" so she can read it when in need of reassurance ...

LOVE IS ...

Eating that last piece of pizza to save her from getting fat ...

LOVE IS ...

Knowing left from right when she gives you directions when driving ...

LOVE IS ...

When she looks at a dress or coat in a catalogue and says, "I like that!" to cut the photo and give it to her ...

LOVE IS ...

Not saying her backside looks big no matter what dress she's wearing ...

LOVE IS ...

If it's a choice between a new pair of shoes or a box of chocolates, buy her a pair of shoes made of chocolate ...

LOVE IS ...

Let her borrow your dentures when you're both old and in a restaurant ...

LOVE IS ...

Oh ... I give up ... we men never get it right it seems. We just can't understand women. I mean ... the other day she started shouting about me playing golf all the time. I really did not expect her to show up at the golf club at half-past midnight!

SORRY !!!

I hope my readers have a sense of humour and are a little forgiving. I did not mean a word of this ... honest!

 

So there you are people. Love is a many splendoured thing. Whatever you do in life; strive to be happy. Or whichever dwarf you'd like to be.

 

Sometimes in the morning I wake up grumpy. At other times I let her sleep and go down to prepare breakfast. I bring her a nice cup of tea in my pyjamas. Is she appreciative? NOOOOO ...

 

She says she prefers it in a cup.

 

I'll never understand women. The other day, it was very cold, she rang me at work and said "Windows is frozen !!!!!" I suggested she gently pours some warm water with a sponge.

 

She rang again a few moments later and said there were some sparks, a bang, and now the computer is not working at all.

Our God Reigns

 

Faith

 

Father Ignatius looked out of the window and heard the electrically-motorized milk van driving down the hill as it slowly approached the Parish House. The distinctive whirring of the battery operated motor, and the clinking of the glass milk bottles rattling against each other in their crates as the vehicle started and stopped every few yards, enhanced the musical dawn chorus as the sun woke up gently from its sleep.

Clink … clink … clink … sang the milk bottles as the birds chirped merrily amongst the trees greeting a new day. Clackety clack ... clackety clack ... clackety clack ... responded an old steam train in the distance as it danced past slowly on the metal rails.

The priest came down the stairs from his office and opened the front door just as Len, the milkman, put down two pints of milk on the doorstep and collected the empty bottles left there the previous night by Mrs Davenport, the housekeeper.

“Hello Len …” he said, “please do come in … I have a list somewhere of other items which Mrs Davenport asked for. I believe she wants an extra pint of milk, some cream, butter and cheese. Come sit in the kitchen whilst I find her list!”

The milkman sat down by the warm stove in the kitchen whilst the priest searched for the list prepared by his housekeeper.

“That’s an odd poster you have here …” said the milkman pointing at the wall, “To have Faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see … What does that mean exactly?”

“Well … it means what it says I suppose. To have Faith is to be sure that things will turn out exactly as you hope they will. To believe in something without seeing it …” replied Father Ignatius, “It’s from the Bible, Hebrews Chapter 11.”

“Yeh … I guessed that much. It’s still odd though” mumbled the milkman.

“What’s odd about it?”

“Well …” Len hesitated a little, “I’m not a religious man Father, a bit above my head all this religious stuff … but it is a little difficult to believe in something blind like … without proof … without seeing it with your eyes!”

“I agree … it is more than a little difficult. Very difficult I would say. That’s why they call it Faith." replied Father Ignatius handing Len the list.

“I believe in God … I haven’t seen Him of course … but I believe He exists. And in more ways than one I have proved it to myself, or He helped in proving it to me, that He exists all right.

“Now I can never prove His existence to you …”

“I would agree with that,” laughed Len.

“I could not prove it to you …” continued the priest gently, “but God could prove His existence to you … if only you’d be willing to take the first step … to dare to believe without any proof.”

“I can’t see myself doing that Father!” said Len reading the list prepared by Mrs Davenport.

“God asks us to trust Him … and He’ll do the rest” said Father Ignatius, “let me tell you a story … have you got a few minutes?”

The milkman nodded.

“There once was a very famous tight-rope walker. You know the kind …

“He’d walked across many rivers and ravines and canyons on a rope stretched between two points; and every time he attracted great crowds who came to see him. He was always successful, of course, and kept his balance despite the weather, the high winds and other difficulties which made his act both dangerous and exciting.

“And over the years he became very rich just by walking on a rope!

“One day he decided to retire. And for his last performance he decided to cross the Niagara Falls on a tight rope.

“Well … on the day in question the whole world and his uncle was there to witness the event.”

The milkman smiled.

“Before performing his walk the tight-rope walker picked up the microphone and thanked his audience for their support over the years.

“He then asked them … ‘Do you think I’ll be successful crossing the Niagara Falls?’

“The audience cheered enthusiastically and said ‘Yes …’ in unison. After all they’d witnessed his many walks over the years.

“So the tight-rope walker continued, ‘this time however it will be a bit different … I’ll walk across on this rope but I will also push a wheelbarrow in front of me … do you think I’ll be able to do this successfully across to the other side?’

“The audience shouted again ‘Yes …’ with one voice.

“OK, said the man … ‘I need a volunteer to sit in the wheelbarrow … who will come across with me?’

“Not surprisingly … nobody volunteered … the crowd remained silent. They had seen him perform his walks many times over the years … but not one of them had the courage to go across with him.”

The milkman looked at Father Ignatius rather puzzled.

“You see Len,” continued the priest, “they did not have Faith in him, even though they had seen him walk on a rope many times.

“And that’s what God asks of us … to have Faith, even without seeing for ourselves.

“To dare to trust Him without any proof. To dare to sit in the wheelbarrow and be carried by Him.

“A little difficult you think? I say it is … it is very difficult to trust and to believe without any proof whatsoever.

“It’s very difficult indeed to have Faith … but the rewards are really worth it!

“So it’s up to you … whether you want to sit in God’s wheelbarrow or not.”

As Len went to his milk van to fetch the items on Mrs Davenport’s list, Father Ignatius brought a small booklet of St Matthew’s Gospel from his office.

“Here Len …” said the priest, “have a read of this … I hope it sets you thinking. And when you finish it … I have another booklet for you if you wish!”

MORE FATHER IGNATIUS STORIES HERE

Ask ... no matter who you are.

From there Jesus set out and went away to the region of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know He was there. Yet He could not escape notice, but a woman whose little daughter had an unclean spirit immediately heard about Him, and she came and bowed down at His feet. Now the woman was a Gentile, of Syrophoenician origin. She begged Him to cast the demon out of her daughter. He said to her, "Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to the dogs." But she answered Him, "Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs." Then He said to her, "For saying that, you may go--the demon has left your daughter." So she went home, found the child lying on the bed, and the demon gone. Mark 7:24-30

There are a number of lessons for us to learn here. This passage in St Mark's Gospel does not often get noticed and discussed.

First of all we need to remember that the woman was a Gentile. Not a person with whom Jesus would be expected to associate with. At first sight, we may think that He is being rude calling her and her people dogs. 

He is in fact saying that He came to be with His people first, (the Jews), and it is not fair for Him to spend His time with, and performing miracles to, the Gentiles. 

Why is Jesus behaving this way? Isn't the Word of God meant for everyone? Isn't God's invitation to everybody?

Let's think about this a little. Jesus here is not being rude, or deliberately withholding love and grace to some people. His imagery, comparing the woman and her people to dogs, may be harsh, but Jesus here is doing two things worth noting:

He is testing the woman's faith.

He is sending a clear message to the onlookers who see what is happening; and who reported it to be written in this Gospel for all of us to read and learn. These onlookers, (and us), are about to learn an important lesson.

She responds back. She is not going to be put off by His refusals. Her needs are too important. Her love for her daughter is such that she is not going to back off at the first obstacle she encounters. She responds that even she and her people, unworthy as they might be in someone's eyes, are still worthy of God's pity and compassion. 

Jesus is impressed. He obviously knew how she would react; and He heals her daughter.

But the message He sends is there for all to see. God's love, pity and compassion is for everyone. No one is excluded. We are all worthy and we are all loved as individuals no matter who we are.

There are times in life when our world is upside down. We feel in a corner, totally trapped and broken down. We may be asking God for help for ourselves or our loved ones. We despair. Perhaps in our hour of darkness we may say, or think, something totally wrong, totally rebellious, towards God. Just like this woman, we answer back to God and ask Him why He does not help us.

He can take our anger. Just as He did when dying on the Cross. 

He understands our situation and our despair, just as He understood the situation facing the Gentile woman asking Him for help.

Provided we truly believe that He can help us. Provided we have total faith in God and His power to respond. As long as we ask in humility and pure honesty; He will hear our pleas and He will answer our prayers positively.

That's the important lesson we learn from this reading. The woman did not give up. She answered back. She asked again. She knew for certain that Jesus could help her. And her faith was rewarded.

Strange dreams triggered by Shakespeare

 

We all have dreams from time to time. Some are dramatic and perhaps disturbing, whilst others are easily forgotten or not remembered at all when we wake up.

I dreamt about Shakespeare last night. I never liked Shakespeare's plays. There isn't a car chase in any of them. In my dream, the old Bard was eating a KFC. 

"What's in a name?" he said, 

"That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet...

But this KFC unpronounceable as it be

Would taste as sweet as an artichoke dipped in honey!"

I then woke up and continued eating the chicken leg I had in my pocket.

Have you ever dreamt that you were a chicken wearing a pin striped suit to work and they would not let you in because your tie was the wrong colour?

Or dreamt that you went to see a hypnotist to cure you of the compulsion to visit hypnotists?

Whilst at the hypnotist you asked him also to cure you of your fear of heights? He did so; and when you woke up you were on top of the cupboard?

And why when it is in the kitchen it is called a cupboard, and in the bedroom it is a wardrobe? Is it because, as the Bard said, a rose by any other name is still a cupboard? Or a wardrobe? If so, why not call the cupboard a rose?

No? Never had such dreams?

Well, neither have I.

My dreams tend to be memorable. Last week I dreamt that I was in a marshmallow factory, a bit like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory book by Roald Dahl.

Anyway ... I dreamt I was in a marshmallow factory and when I woke up I'd eaten the pillow.

I remember being told off in the morning for ruining the pillow!

The best dreams of course are those that inspire us to greater things. They can be dreams we have when asleep or indeed something we think about when awake and mull over in our minds and spur us into action.

Many a great idea started with a day dream, an inspiration, a word of encouragement ...

The ideal dream is to make life better for someone else. It need not necessarily be a big thing that you do. Perhaps a kindness to someone. A smile. A helping hand.

For when our time is at an end, we should not be remembered for who we have been, but for what we have done. 

 

Obedience and Sin

 

It is said that Moses took 40 years to travel from Egypt through the desert to the Promised Land. He got the Jews out of Egypt and despite all that God did for them to save them out of slavery, they still disobeyed God and sinned.

They witnessed all the plagues that happened to Pharaoh and his people. They witnessed the parting of the sea, and how God made sure they were fed and watered on the way to the Promised Land. Yet, despite all that goodness and love from God their Creator, they still turned their backs on Him.

When Moses came down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments, he discovered that the people had made a golden bull which they chose to worship instead.

I reckon that is why it took so long to cross the desert from Egypt to the Promised Land. Considering the distance involved they should have made the journey in a couple of weeks or so. They were going round in circles because of their disobedience and sin. A whole generation died in that journey and did not make it to the Promised Land. 

But how about us today? How many people really believe in God; never mind obey Him? How many so-called Christians are only so in name only? And their lives are hardly what one would expect or do honour to God.

When God gave Moses the Ten Commandments He gave us rules to live by; not a set of suggestions to discuss and debate and alter to suit our selfish needs.

I wonder how long is our journey to our Promised Land, and would we all make it in the end?

Man and God - Time For Reflections

 

 

Someone who has read all of my books said to me the other day that I sometimes repeat myself in my books - the "devotional" type ones like the ones above. The reason for this is that God's message is worth repeating if it is to reach many people. No one will ever buy and read all my books. I don't expect them to. So those who buy the occasional book will hopefully read the Good News about God and His love for us. Some important subjects are worth repeating: Who is God? Why did He create us? And what is our role in His plan for us?

 

Those who buy both books, and others, will hopefully benefit from new subjects discussed here and in my other publications. 

 

These two titles are intended for new Christians, or for people who want to find out more about God.

 

Thank you. God bless you for your support.

 

MAN AND GOD AMAZON LINK

 

TIME FOR REFLECTIONS AMAZON LINK

Who will be my messenger?

.

Then I heard the Lord say,

"Whom shall I send?

Who will be our messenger?"

I answered,

"I will go!

Send me!"

 

ISAIAH 6:8

 

Here I Am, Lord

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin
My hand will save.

I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.


I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.

I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.


I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them.
My hand will save.

Finest bread I will provide
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them.
Whom shall I send?

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

VISIT WEBSITE HERE

Fashionable Joe

 

Once upon a time there was a man called Joe. He had a very nice coat. It was a stylish fashionable item hand-made in Italy by a top fashion designer. He was proud of it. It was a gift from his father.

His brothers were very jealous of him. So one day, whilst out in the field looking after their sheep they kidnapped Joe and sold him to some passing traders on the way to Egypt. They soaked his coat in animal blood and told their dad that an animal had killed their brother.

In Egypt, Joe landed in prison on some made-up charge. Little did anyone know he had a special gift of interpreting dreams. One day the Pharaoh had a dream and Joe was asked to interpret it. 

You can read the rest of the story in  Genesis Chapter 37. I don't want to spoil the ending for you.

This set me thinking.

Sometimes in life we get into difficult situations and we wonder why it is happening to us. At first we might panic. We might ask why me. Get upset. Get angry. And go through all the various emotions outlined by psychologists explaining how people deal with a crisis.

Some amongst us might even blame God about our misfortunes. Perhaps we are reacting in a human natural way, perhaps not. The fact is that sometimes we do.

The thing is, I believe God allows some bad things to happen. He does not cause them. But He allows them to happen. Perhaps to nudge us in a certain direction. Perhaps to get us into a new situation in life. Perhaps so that we may meet new people and somehow influence them by our behaviour. Or they influence us maybe.

For reasons best known to Himself, God allows such bad situations according to His plan for us and for others.

Let me tell you a true story. Some years ago, a person I know very well got cancer. It was a shock that devastated the whole family, including himself. He went to hospital.

Whilst there, in the same ward as him, there was another man with exactly the same illness. He took it very badly, and so did his family. He always sat there in bed crying and wailing as if this was the end.

One day, after the visitors had left, the man I know very well got off his bed gingerly and sat next to the crying man with the same condition. In conversation, he said to him, "Don't worry. God will help you. All will be well!"

It was an odd thing to say, to come out in faith and say something like that to a man he hardly knew.

Both men were operated on. The operations were successful and both men survived. They became friends. The crying man, and his family, wanted to learn more and eventually he and his family became Christians.

I leave you to draw your own conclusions. Would the two men have ever met if they were not ill at the same time? Would a whole family have found God otherwise?

Something for all of us to remember when times are hard in our lives.

Is it a bird?

 

Pay attention now and settle down. Today we talk about zooology. How many O's in zoo ology? I have put three for good measure.

Specifically, today's lesson is about ostrology. The ostrich. Is it a bird or an animal? 

Let me tell you straight-away it is of no use for falconry. You know ... people who have falcons, hawks or other birds of prey on their out-stretched arms and the bird flies off and returns on the arm when called.

Well, ostriches are absolutely useless at this. They are too heavy to sit on your arm. Besides, there is the small matter that they do not fly.

They have eyes on either side of the head yet they hope to look forwards. Seems impossible. 

They have knees that bend the wrong way round. Your legs bend backwards at the knees. The ostrich's leg bends forwards, which makes it look stupid when it walks.

Their feet have two toes as opposed to four like most birds. The inner toe has a huge nail and looks like a hoof. 

The ostrich can reach speeds of 45 miles an hour; unless it is on a train when it could be even faster.

It lays the largest eggs of any animal. Bigger than an elephant's egg; because elephants don't lay eggs. Are you paying attention at the back of the class?

One ostrich egg is the size of 25 chicken eggs. Which explains why it is not sold at the supermarket. They cannot find a box big enough to sell a dozen eggs, or six even!

Contrary to popular and erroneous belief the ostrich does not bury it's head in the sand. Unlike some people who do so all the time until things go wrong in their lives.

It is also not true that an ostrich has eight hearts. You are mixing this with the octopus which has eight tentacles or legs. The octopus can use its eight legs independently; which explains why it never competes at tennis tournaments.

Both the ostrich and the octopus for that matter are very fast. It is very difficult to run after an octopus and catch it. Which explains why it is so expensive in a restaurant. Also, as soon as you put it in boiling water it uses a spare tentacle to turn the oven fire off. 

In a race between an ostrich and an octopus the horse would not win because it is not taking part. Also, the octopus would win because the ostrich cannot swim.

The horse on the other hand is completely different from the zebra. Because God said so.

Can you think?

 

Continuing our series of posts about knowledge. So far we have discussed Art (Rodin's The Kiss), then History (Henry VIII and the Tudors), and Nutrition. Today it is Philosophy.

Now I know that some of you do not like the TV and Film series Star Trek. But please bear with me. This has nothing to do with Star Trek per se.

I have just watched an old episode where a discussion takes place as to whether Data, (an Android robot), is a living creature or not.

By way of background; Data is a robot created by a human scientist. He looks perfectly like a human and acts as a human in the most part. He has super strength, is capable of faster reactions, reading speeds, calculations and problem solving as well as limitless memory functions. Basically, he is far better than any human and does not need sleep or feeding.

The question is: Is he a machine or a living being?

The debate develops that to be a living being you need to have intelligence. Data certainly has that and can deduce an outcome by analysing and considering various variables.

Another measure to have life is to be sentient. Data is that too. He has developed friendships and is able to learn, and he appreciates a joke.

Also, to have life you need to be self-aware. And yet again, Data is that.

Let's now move away from Star Trek. My thoughts turned to animals.

They are living beings. No one can dispute that. They live. They die. And they reproduce. The three measures of life.

But what distinguishes them from us?

Are they intelligent? Some animals are very intelligent. This has been proved to various degrees.

Are they sentient? Again, I would say yes. Some animals do develop friendships with humans and can communicate their feelings in different situations. 

Are they self-aware? I struggle with this. Does a dog know that he exists? Or does he just act on instinct? Does he reason that by behaving in a certain way he will be treated accordingly? Is he aware that he is getting old? Do the goldfish in my pond realise that it is me feeding them every day? Do the birds think the same at my bird table? Does the squirrel laugh at me when he steals the seeds from the bird table? Does the spider care how often I clean his web from high up in the ceiling? Do animals plot and plan like we do?

This is a two-way, or more-ways, conversation. What do you think?

 I need a beer.

 Now that's intelligent, sentient and self-aware. Unless I have too many beers!!!

Eating Healthy

 

In the UK we've been encouraged for some time by health experts to eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day. This has lately been increased to seven portions a day because of inflation.

 I think seven, or even five, portions of fruit and vegetables is far too much for anyone to take. Can you imagine munching on a carrot, an apple, a piece of broccoli or spinach, a banana perhaps, (that makes four), and a box of chocolates with fruit centres? 

That's only five! Still two more portions of this healthy food and I won't have any room for steak and French fries, or pizza or a burger in a large bun.

Obviously the thing to ask these health experts is what do they mean by a portion. Apparently it is the amount of fruit or vegetables which you can hold in the palm of your hand.

So having a large watermelon or a pineapple is OK then; is it?

But before we scoff at this advice given to us in order to lead long and healthy lives, let us look at the science behind the advice.

According to studies carried out by nutritionists and such like boffins the proof of healthy eating is overwhelming.

They had two groups of 25 people. One group was fed seven portions of fruits and vegetables daily for a period of one year; and the other group was totally deprived of these items for the same period.

At the end of the experiment, out of the group who ate fruits and vegetables daily, one went to work in a burger bar, another one became a taxidermist and another broke his leg when he fell off a ladder. 

Yet the scientists do not relent in their advice to eat fruits and vegetables.

They also encourage us to eat a lot of fibre. Like oats for instance, also known as porridge. Did you know that I once had a job in a farm chewing oats all day for a horse with no teeth?

So there you are. Inconclusive evidence from experts as to whether eating more fruits and vegetables are good for you or not. 

You can either accept the experts' advice on this subject or not. Personally, I think it is dangerous to read too much between the lines, especially if you are standing on a railway line.

The Tudors

 

Yesterday we talked about art. Today it is history. Or specifically, the English Tudor period.

A long time ago there was a Royal family in England called the Tudors. They ruled from 1485 to 1603.

In those 118 years there were five kings and the most famous was of course Henry VIII.

He was famous for wanting a son and married many times to achieve this. His first wife Catherine of Aragon was a Catholic and she gave him a daughter. So Henry VIII divorced her which upset the Pope. Henry created the Church of England with him as head. He got rid of Catholic monasteries but he still worshipped as a Catholic ... and executed those who didn't.

Living in Tudor times was not much fun. TV had still not been invented so people could not watch soaps for hours on end.

It was not a healthy time either. They had open sewers in the streets and toilets were a hole in the ground in the back garden. They often emptied chamber pots out of the window onto the people in the streets down below. Hence the phrase "Gardyloo !!!" which roughly translated meant "watch out for the water" (and what's in it) !!! This is from the French "garde l'eau"; which no doubt suggests that they did the same thing over there.

Umbrellas had yet to be invented; but I bet the Laundry Business was quite successful.

People had very odd cures for illnesses, like swallowing live spiders, covered in butter to make them go down quicker. And swallowing powdered human skulls, or eating bone-marrow mixed with sweat. They also believed in blood-letting. You'd go to the barber and he'd cut you up and let the blood out.

A man went to the barber's once for a haircut. As the barber was working on him the man looked down and saw a human ear on the ground. "Look here," he said, "there's an ear over here. Whose ear is that over here?"

The barber replied, "Hold it. If it's still warm it's yours!"

Hence the phrase "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!" which is a famous line in the play Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616).  

It was at this time that barbers also started a side-line of piercing people's ears whilst they wait. It was very convenient not having to come back for your pierced ear the next day. Other piercings however took a little longer.

Of course in Tudor times life was not as sophisticated as it is today. People had to use quills to write with.

These were feathers of various birds which had to be sharpened daily with knives - hence the word pen-knife. Once they sharpened the quill they used it to tap the keys on their computer keyboards.

Crime was also rife in Tudor times because people were generally poor. The same people appeared in front of the same judge again and again because of their repeated crimes.

The judge eyed a man carefully once and asked him "Have you ever been up before me?"

The man replied "It depends on what time you get up!"

On another occasion the same judge had two thieves before him. He asked the first where he lived and he replied "No fixed abode!"

He asked the second man where he lived and he replied "In the apartment above him".

Life for women was terrible in Tudor times. If a woman did not marry she often stayed at home with her parents and spent her time spinning - hence the word "spinster". She could not become a nun since Henry VIII had closed all convents.

Women could be punished by law for nagging and scolding. Women were warned in church to stop nagging and if they continued they were punished by ducking. They were tied to a chair and lowered in the river a few times.

If a woman continued nagging and scolding she was made to wear a metal mask which clamped on the head with a metal bar in her mouth holding her tongue down. She was then paraded in town as a warning to other women.

Football was a favourite pastime played between two villages. The ball was a pig's bladder and they started the game at a mid-point between two villages several miles apart. The idea was to get the ball into your village. The whole village population would play and there were no rules or referee. Anything goes. Just fight everyone else and get the ball to your village. Many people got injured and hurt. Great fun!

In 1540 Henry VIII banned the game because he needed soldiers for his army and too many people were getting injured and maimed playing football.

As mentioned earlier, around this time, lived a man called William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616) who wrote many plays to make a living. Actors were all men who dressed like women to play women's parts. His plays were performed in various theatres for people to enjoy.

But some clever dick at some point or other decided to make life miserable for countless of generations by insisting that they learn Shakespeare at school. 

There's as much point in that as making people learn the scripts of their favourite cartoon videos.

That's ... That's ... That's ... That's all folks !!!!