Daylight Robbery

 

The police are looking for two robbers who have been terrorising the town of Glazier for the last few weeks. They work in tandem and have been identified on camera as Ivan Eye-Glass and Ivor Monocle. Whilst one man distracts home-owners by engaging in conversation pretending he is a door-to-door window cleaner; his colleague gets to the back of the house and steals their windows.

Mr Walter Vision from 72 Acacia Avenue said, "I was having a shower when I heard a noise and suddenly my window was gone. Where once there was a window now there is just a gaping aperture, a big hole in the wall. I have nowhere to hang my curtains. They were left in a pile on the floor!" 

Miss Curley Blonde reported that she was driving her car through the car wash when suddenly her car was flooded with soapy water. The thieves had stolen her car windows whist she was in motion.

There have been reports of missing windows all over town. The opticians in the High Street, I Lash, have had their shop window stolen and all the glasses in the shop window have had the lenses missing. "All we have now is a lot of frames with no lenses," he said. "This is not enough evidence to frame the culprits," he added later.

Sales of new replacement windows have gone through the roof. "There's more demand than we can supply," said the owner of the business, "because all our windows stock has been stolen and all we have is an empty warehouse. Even the windows in our building have gone."

"If this continues, we will have a world with no windows," said an expert speaking through a hole in his house, "and who knows what a window-less world would reveal!"

So beware what you do behind closed windows with curtains drawn. Your deeds may well be known to all.

Lead us not into temptation

 

When we recite the Lord's Prayer we use the words "And lead us not into temptation". (Matthew 6:13)

This phrase has confused people who have misinterpreted what Jesus was teaching us to pray. Let me first of all clarify that God does NOT lead us into temptation. He tempts no one to do wrong. God does not play games with us. It is the devil who tempts people into wrong doings to lead us astray from God.

"When tempted, no one should say, 'God is tempting me.' For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone;" (James 1:13)

More accurately, the phrase means "do not let us yield to temptation."

In Greek, from which the Bible we use was written, the word PEIRASMOS has two meanings. The same word is used for trial and temptation. So the phrase is more accurately "lead us not into trials/tests (which we cannot overcome)."

God does not test us. He already knows how we will react and behave in certain circumstances when things go wrong in our life, like health issues, finances, relationships and so on. He allows those things to happen in life in order to maintain our free will to behave as we want. To stop bad things from happening would be to interfere with our gifted free will.

He allows these tests (trials/temptations) to happen in order that we might grow and learn from them. In order that we can remember in future when other things happen how we behaved before and how God helped us in those difficulties. Our tests in life are milestones and reminders to turn to God for help whenever life is difficult.

The phrase could be more accurately translated as "don't let me be tested beyond my capabilities and strength".

But God will not allow us to be pushed to the limit, He is not in the business of losing His followers.

“Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps His promise, and He will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, He will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out”. (1 Corinthians Chapter 10 Verse 13).

Who is Jesus to you?

 

WHO IS JESUS TO YOU?

Is this a difficult question to answer without resorting to slogans and catch-phrases like "He is my Saviour, my Lord, He died for me, The Son of God" and other descriptions.

Let's analyse this by first looking at Jesus through the eyes of His contemporaries; those who lived with Him. To them, He was a human born of Mary who was married to Joseph. They knew His parents and watched Him grow up as a child working in His father's carpenter's shop and become a man amongst them. But as He grew up they noticed something different about Him. He was knowledgeable, even at the age of twelve discussing scripture in the temple with the elders; although He had no formal education as such.

When He started His mission on earth He spoke with authority and conviction, and all that He said made sense. He lived on a higher moral plain than society of the time. He showed compassion for the sick, the destitute and those forgotten by society. He cared for the hungry and the poor and showed kindness for everybody. The people witnessed His many miracles, and this really set Him apart from the rest of society; especially when He claimed that He was the Son of God. This upset and scandalised many of them, but a few believed He was Who He said He was. And this truth grew throughout the world after Pentecost when the Holy Spirit descended on His followers.

Move forwards 2000 years. Who is Jesus to people today?

Many don't believe in God or Jesus. Some have heard of Him and consider Him a wise man, a teacher, healer, preacher or prophet. Others profess that He is the Son of God and worship Him as they do God His Father and our Creator.  

But  WHO IS JESUS TO YOU?

There is a great difference between knowing about Jesus and knowing Jesus. We could have heard about someone and read about someone extensively but not know Him personally. The distance between the head and the heart is only about 18 inches but it could be the longest journey we ever make. Do we really know Jesus?

In my case, it happened suddenly at the age of eight. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I was on the bus on the way to school when I suddenly realised that there must be a God, and Jesus is His Son. All I had been taught by my parents and teachers seemed to make sense. Somehow, I knew it was all true. 

Since then, I have felt His presence and guidance and help many times in my life.

WHO IS JESUS TO YOU?

(The video at the top of the right hand column entitled Time for Reflections may be of interest to some readers).

Make me a channel of your peace

 

.

FATHER FRANCIS MAPLE

WEBSITE

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is hatred let me bring your love
Where there is injury, your pardon Lord
And where there is doubt true faith in You

 

Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul

 

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there is despair in life let me bring hope
Where there is injury your pardon Lord
And where there is doubt true faith in You

 

Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul

 

Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
It is in giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we are born to eternal life

Classroom Stories

 

Classroom Stories

After a day of listening to my eighth graders exchange gossip, I decided to quote Mark Twain to them: “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

After considering my words, one of my students asked, “What does it mean to remove all doubt?”

======================= 

For 98 percent of the students at the school where my wife teaches, English is a second language. But that didn’t stop them from giving her Christmas cards. Still, their enthusiasm for the occasion sometimes exceeded their grasp of English. Among the many cards that flooded her desk were: “Happy Birthday, Grandma,” “Get Well Soon,” and “Congratulations on Passing Your Driving Test!”

=======================   

Walking through the hallways at our middle school, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker. I heard him mutter, “How did you get yourself into this?”
Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Can I help?”
He lifted his head and replied, “I’ll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker.”

=======================   

I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favourites. You were mean to everyone.”

=======================  

When our school librarian announced she was changing schools, my fellow teacher asked a student, “Why do you think Ms. Richardson is leaving?”
The third grader opined, “Because she’s read all our books?”

=======================  

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.
Just then a man in the back raised his hand. “I’m not trying to be disrespectful,” he told my father, “but the machine I robbed had about $5,000 in it.”

=======================   

Performing Mozart should have been the highlight of my middle school chorus class. But after a few uninspired attempts, an exasperated student raised her hand and said, “Mrs. Willis, we want to sing music from our generation, not yours.”

=======================    

A junior in my English class gave a big thumbs-down to the autobiography he’d read. His reason: “The author talks about only himself.”

=======================  

When one girl had finished the English portion of the state exam, she removed her glasses and started the math questions.

“Why aren’t you wearing your glasses?” she was asked.

She responded, “My glasses are for reading, not math.”

======================= 

 During a parent-teacher conference, a mother insisted I shouldn’t have taken points off her daughter’s English paper for calling her subject Henry 8 instead of Henry VIII.

“We have only regular numbers on our keyboard,” she explained. “No Roman numerals.”

Courtesy of Reader’s Digest

Spot the difference

 

SPOT THE DIFFERENCES

IN THE TWO PHOTOS

BELOW

 

 

 

Christian Falsehood

 

Being in a secular world is sad enough where people seem to have ceased to believe in God, in His Son Jesus, or in anything at all. Without God as their guide people create their own god in the shape of riches, possessions, power, influence, celebrity and whatever else can provide them with temporary pleasure and entertainment. 

At the risk of being "preachy" I feel I should point out at another danger in our society - namely Christian Falsehood.

This is the trend or fashion to invent sayings and notions that sound Christian in basis but in reality are far from such. This way, they lull people into a false sense of Christianity leading them to believe that all is well in their lives when the direct opposite is true. For example:

"God helps those who help themselves" - this is not Biblical. I have not found anyone in the Bible who said this. Taken in its literal sense it would mean that if someone is dishonest and does something wrong for gain or to advance himself then God is smiling on him and approving of his behaviour. Total nonsense of course. But often used as a saying to condone or encourage such behaviour.

"An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" - Let me first quote Leviticus in the Bible where this comes from: "If a man injures his neighbour, just as he has done, so it shall be done to him: fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth; just as he has injured a man, so it shall be inflicted on him. Thus the one who kills an animal shall make it good, but the one who kills a man shall be put to death. (Leviticus 24:19-21)

Let me explain that at the time this was meant to be a statute of limitation. It meant to say "don't go overboard and over react to what has been done to you". It was a set of rules to control what must have been an uncontrollable situation with people seeking revenge much more than what was done to them. It reminds me of a saying I heard once "retaliate first!" That is certainly not Christian teaching; and let me remind you that Leviticus was written many years before Jesus was born. But over the years, this saying seems to have been interpreted as a right to get your own back and to beat the other person as he has beaten you. No wonder the world is in the state it's in.

Here's what Jesus said about it, "You have heard that it was said, ‘AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.’ But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.

"You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOUR and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.(Matthew 5:38-48)

"God answers all prayers" - Again, this is not Biblical and is not true. If God answered all prayers there would be no more funerals in the world and we would live for ever. God certainly listens to all prayers and He answers many in His own time and in His own way. It may not be what we expect but you will find it is always what is best for us. God's time is eternity and His ways are not our ways - so let us stop measuring Him by our standards.

"God is everywhere" - No ... He is not. God is where He is allowed to be. If a heart is closed and set against God, and the very existence of God, then God will not force Himself on that person. God will make Himself known to that person through various means but at the end of the day the choice remains with that person to decide for himself. No one goes to Heaven against their will.

"A loving God would not let us suffer for eternity in hell" - Another modern non-sense thinking. Hell exists all right; Jesus said so many times. But God does not send people to hell. They freely go there by their lifestyle choices.

The choice even un-believers would make.

 

If you were to go in the streets and ask people, "Would you rather go to Heaven when you die or hell?" most people, in fact I guess all, would say they want to go to Heaven; even though they may not have any idea where or what Heaven is and what happens there. Even atheists, and unbelievers, if pressed to make a choice, would choose going to Heaven. Because no one wants his backside roasted for eternity.

The thing is, Jesus doesn't only reference hell, He describes it in great detail. He says it is a place of eternal torment (Luke 16:23), of unquenchable fire (Mark 9:43), where the worm does not die (Mark 9:48), the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth (Matthew 13:42).

All very graphic images to frighten the pants off any hard-headed individual.

However, He describes Heaven as "In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. (John 14:2).

A totally different imagery suggesting that Heaven is a physical place with buildings built of bricks and mortar, and rooms, and no doubt all the amenities we would wish.

But is Heaven really so? I doubt it is a physical place since, as Christians believe, when we die our souls go to Heaven; and being spiritual in nature, I doubt that a soul would require a room with a bed and hot and cold running water!

Some Christians, including Catholics, believe that at some stage after we die, our souls would be re-united with our bodies. These will be new bodies with all the imperfections, pains, illnesses, age-related problems and so on taken away. 

I ask the question: WHY?

Why do we need new bodies? No one has given me a good answer.

If essentially we are souls inhabiting a fragile body which at some stage deteriorates and is no more; then why should such a soul require a body whether going to Heaven or hell?

I once asked a priest, "if I am to have a new healthy and fit body, will my friends recognise me in Heaven?" He replied, "Don't worry, people will recognise you all right!" (What did he mean?)

Now imagine you are in Heaven and you recognise someone there you do not think should be in Heaven. That person was really really really bad when on earth. What would you do? Challenge Saint Peter and suggest that his computer records on that person are wrong?

What if someone recognises you and thinks you should not be there? How would you defend your position and right to be in Heaven?

My good friend Father Francis Maple in one of his sermons makes a good point about our relationship with God by referring to a leaning tree. Here's what he says:
 
I think of a life as a tree. If a tree leans in one direction when it dies it will fall in that direction. It is not going to fall in the opposite direction. So, too, with our lives. If all the time we are leaning towards God, very likely, with God's grace we shall fall into His arms when we die. But if our lives never point to God, it is very likely that when we die we shall die in enmity with God.

 AMAZON LINK HERE

I shared a cup ...

 

I shared a cup of coffee with him in Rome years ago. He couldn't afford his own coffee so we took a sip in turn from the same cup. It was at one of those open-air restaurants with tables and chairs out on the side-walk. It was owned by Al Fresco.

We talked about our school friends, Harry Tosis, Eileen Dover, Ivan I Full, Duncan Dees-Orderly, Henrietta Ratt, and Ivor Pigeon.

Then he took me to his home. It was sparsely furnished because of his poverty. The curtains were all drawn; the rest of the furniture was real. He said he drew the curtains with a felt-tipped pen. I could see he was not good at drawing curtains because in some places they were not drawn together and they let in the lights. In fact, they let in the light everywhere because they were not real curtains. Just drawn ones.

He took me to his bedroom. He said he'd changed the double bed to a trampoline and his wife hit the roof. That's why she left him.

He used to practice yoga by standing on one leg to improve his balance. His wife told him to stop acting like a flamingo. So he had to put his foot down. He claimed that he usually was a well-balanced man; he had a chip on each shoulder. He thought that the whole world was plotting against him; so he joined them to make it unanimous.

I pointed out a large spider in one corner of a room. He told me he was a web designer. Being a house-spider he worked from home. 

He had a pet dog he had bought from a blacksmith. As soon as he got him home it made a bolt for the door.

He told me he was a zoological scientist. When he worked in London he had managed to cross-breed a homing pigeon with a woodpecker. It not only delivered messages, it also knocked on the door.

He also managed to cross-breed a cow with a chicken and a pig; and got sausages, eggs and bacon. 

He tried to breed a turkey with six legs so that everyone could have a leg at Christmas and Thanksgiving. He was successful. Unfortunately the turkey ran away and was too fast for anyone to catch. 

He also told me that he once witnessed a naked woman rob a bank. When the police arrived on the scene nobody could remember her face.

PLEASE CLICK HERE

Thinking Aloud

 

Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

To thrive in life you need three bones. A wish bone, a back bone, and a funny bone. 

People say I act like I don't care. It's not an act.

Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.

I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more.

Today I saw a woman talking to her cat, she really thought the cat understood. I told my dog when I got home... we both had a good laugh.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better.

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep. I'm so hungry!

Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day.

People say you can't live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.

I don't like morning people... or mornings, or people.

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

I didn't find out what happiness means until I got married... and then it was too late. 

This world will never know Peace until it learns to forgive.

I just called to say ...

 

The telephone rang. I did not answer it. I was in Paris at the time and could not hear the phone ringing at my home in England. 

The next day my wife rang me from England to my cell-phone in Paris. She said the phone rang the previous day and no one answered it because everyone was out. I told here I was not out I was in my hotel room. She said the phone at home in England not in my pocket in Paris. 

Whoever had phoned had left a message on the answering-machine. It said, "Is Sally in?" We don't know anyone called Sally, and anyway, if she was in she would have answered the phone whilst everyone else was out. In fact she would have been an intruder in our house. 

My wife asked me who Sally was. I asked her the same question. In the absence of Sally we could not respond to the caller who had not left his name and number anyway.

I then realised that there's a clever system whereby all my calls at the office in London can be re-directed automatically to my cell-phone wherever I am. I could be in Paris, (which I was), or in Rome or anywhere and someone phones my office in London and I answer, and they think I'm in my London office.

Why not use the same system to make all calls to our home re-direct automatically to my cell-phone so I can answer them when the family is out.

It worked marvellously. I was asked if my wife will attend the bridal shower party at Dolores? Whether we'll be visiting the in-laws next week? Is it OK for the workers to come and fix the garden fence on Thursday? Or am I interested in purchasing new house insurance or whatever other product or service the tele-sales people were hoping to sell that day? In effect I became the answering-machine for the whole family whilst they were out enjoying themselves and I received all their calls and relayed them back to them when they were in.

The whole thing became insane; which in fact I nearly was when I once answered the cell-phone whilst walking by the Paris river. 

When I got back home my wife wanted to know who Sally was. I told her to ask Harry. 

At the psychiatrist

 

I went to see the psychiatrist today. He had phoned me earlier on in the day saying he was not feeling well; so I thought I'd pay him a visit. When I got there he was already laying on the couch waiting for me. I sat beside him with a notebook and pen.

He said life was getting too much for him because people kept coming to him with their problems. No one was interested in him and his problems. So I said, "I'm listening!"

He told me that that very morning he was visited by a moth. As big as a human being it was. Can you imagine that? A moth as big as a human being? What was more surprising is that the moth spoke to him. She said, "I have a toothache doctor, can you help me?"

He replied, "This is the third time I told you I am not a dentist; I'm a psychiatrist. Why do you keep coming here?"

And she said, "Because the lights are on!"

He then told me that he keeps having a recurring dream where he is at a football match in the jungle and the elephants are playing the giraffes. Every night it's the same dream. Sometimes the elephants win and sometimes the giraffes; and a rhino is the referee. 

I suggested he takes some sleeping pills to sleep deeper and better. He said, "Not tonight; it's the Grand Final!"

He then told me that since he was a child he has been afraid of monsters hiding under his bed. He checks every night before going to sleep. I suggested he cuts the legs off the bed; but he was afraid this might squash the monsters.

I asked him if anything traumatic had ever happened in his life which triggered such dreams. He said he used to be a kleptomaniac but he took something for it. This made him a little paranoid and he thought he was always being followed. So he went to his local library and asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on paranoia?"

She said, "It's behind you!" and nearly gave him a heart attack.

As we were talking a penguin came in the room, he said, "Hello!" and sat in the corner. I thought was seeing things; I could not believe my eyes or my ears. 

"Did you see what came in?" I whispered to the psychiatrist. He replied, "It's either a large penguin or a small nun!"

So I gave her a few frozen fish sticks I had in my pocket and ran out of the psychiatrist's room.

He then e-mailed me an invoice for $100.00 for his consultation.

Two Stories Wide

 

 

Come out of the darkness
Don't hide in the night
Come out in the sunshine
And we'll be alright

 

Life's too long to worry
And it's too short to cry
And it's too deep to measure
And it's two stories wide

 

There's your side and my side
Which side do you need?
Both sides make you lonely
And make your heart bleed

 

Life's too long to worry
And it's too short to cry
And it's too deep to measure
And it's two stories wide

 

Life's too long to worry
And its too short to cry
And its too deep to measure
And its two stories wide

 

Life's too long to worry
And its too short to cry
And its too deep to measure
And its two stories wide

 

Willie Nelson

Waylon Jennings

Johnny Cash

Kris Kristofferson

 

The Highwayman

Are you following me?

 

Are you following me?

The beauty of the English language is that you can get different meanings from the same words.

The phrase above can quite literally mean: Are you walking a few steps behind me everywhere I go?

Or it could mean: Do you understand what I am saying? Are you following the meaning of my discussion?

Or in Blog terms it could mean: Do you follow a Blog? Are you pinged every time there’s a new post?

Hey – I’ve just learnt something new. Apparently “pinging” is when the computer tells a reader that someone has added a new post to their Blog.

So those followers of this Blog get pinged every time I write here. (Sounds painful). So thanks to all of you for undergoing such pain every time I write! Thanks also to other readers whether you visit once in a while or regularly.

Back to the essence of today’s post.

What would it mean to you if I changed the opening sentence to: Are you following Jesus?

Are you (and I) physically daily in our lives following Jesus in everything that He said and has asked of us? Are we “In step with the Lord”?

Do we follow Jesus in that we understand Who He is, what He said, and what He came on earth to do?

Two thousand years after He walked this earth there is still confusion and controversy about Jesus. Who He is, and what He meant when He said what He said, and did what He did. Some still claim He was just a prophet, a teacher, a wise man or a healer. Many do not accept Him as the Son of God.

Do we really follow His meaning? Do we understand Him? Do we get pinged every time He speaks to us now, today, in this very day and age? For, make no mistakes about it, He does speak to us today – but perhaps not many are listening.

So there you have it: What does “Are you following Jesus?” really mean to you (and me)?

Now there’s a thought!