Thursday 24 February 2022

There was a woman in my bed


It was late in the evening when I entered my hotel room. It had been a long day at work with one meeting following another, and then I had to attend a Conference where they discussed ways to extrapolate sales and costs figures against profits in order to estimate how many paper clips we’ll need five years from now. It was so exhilarating that I could not sleep at all throughout the Conference.

Anyway, I got to my hotel room late and got myself in by using one of those electronic cards you put in a slot and the door opens. I did not bother to switch all lights on. A small light shone from a nearby table-lamp and this was enough. I intended to fall into bed and dream of better days.

As I took my jacket off a man got out of the en-suite bathroom in his pajamas. Why he had an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas I do not know. Maybe he was rich and could afford an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas; whilst the rest of us have to be content with an elastic band or a cord to keep our pajama pants up.

I don’t know what nationality he was, but as soon as he saw me the man said: “Qui Γͺtes-vous? Que faites-vous ici?”

I know exactly what he said because I remember writing it down at the time. I then took out a dictionary to translate but could not understand a word. It was an Italian dictionary.

The man shouted at me and beckoned me to get out of my room. At which point an enormously rotund woman got up from my bed and she too started shouting at me “Allez-vous en!  Allez-vous en!” and waving her hands in the air. 

I wrote that down too but could not find a translation in my Italian dictionary.

I picked up my jacket and as I turned to get out I accidentally knocked a large wicker basket which was on the table beside me. The top of the basket opened and a flock of pigeons came flying out into the room. They flew everywhere, trying to land on something high up. Luckily the bedroom door was shut and they eventually settled on the wardrobe, hanged from the chandelier, (it was a posh hotel), and one settled on the man’s head.

There was cooing and flapping of wings everywhere. A few feathers floated in the air before settling to the ground. The pigeons did what most animals do when frightened and started leaving deposits everywhere. Including on the man’s head.

I was totally stunned by what had just happened and stood perfectly still. The rotund woman picked up the phone on the bedside table and started shouting in broken English “pee john pee john …”

Moments later a hotel porter entered the room and disturbed all the pigeons which started flying all over again and dropping deposits all over the place.

We waited until they had settled down and then he asked me “Why do you have pigeons in your room, Sir? Pets are not allowed in this hotel!”

I was astounded that he asked me about the pigeons and had totally ignored the fact that I also had a rotund woman in my bed and a man with an en-suite bathroom in his pajamas.

He asked for my electronic card which he tested on the door. It worked. He then took the man’s electronic card. It worked too.

You guessed it. It was a double booking and we’d both been given the same cards.

I picked up my luggage and was moved to another room.

By now you may be asking why there were pigeons in a wicker basket in my room.

Simple.

I was told the man was a magician and he used the pigeons in his act by making them appear and disappear out of a hat. Apparently his wife, whilst younger and less rotund, was a stripper and she too used the pigeons in her act. For an encore the pigeons used to take their feathers off! 

NOTE 

This was an excerpt from my memoirs "AS I QUOTE MYSELF". A book full of misadventures and mishaps to make you laugh out loud, or at least to smile.

PLEASE CLICK HERE

30 comments:

  1. First of ALL..I wanna make it perfectly
    clear..I~DO~NOT~WEAR~PAJAMAS..never have,
    never will..I am nightshirt person..!
    From the day l was born..nightshirts...
    Much smaller back then of course..and
    pink in colour..! :O).
    I wear longer ones in the winter, shorter
    in the summer..what l wear in the autumn
    and spring..is my business! HeHe! :O).

    Just to help out..
    “Qui Γͺtes-vous? Que faites-vous ici?”
    "Who are you..What are you doing here"?
    Out of Italian/Spanish/German my French
    is the worst..My Sicilian is second to
    none..!

    As usual..Great read Victor...
    I'm partial to roast pigeon on a Sunday!
    Stuffed with herbs, onions and other
    things..and..chewing the meat off the
    carcass whilst watching the football,
    is sheer heaven..if l'm allowed to use
    that expression...! mmmmM! Lovely!

    AND..I was just thinking..He could'nt
    have been a very good magician..good
    ones use Doves..Don't they..? Do they..? :O).
    🌱 πŸ’› 🌱 πŸ’› 🌱 πŸ’› 🌱 πŸ’› 🌱 πŸ’› 🌱 πŸ’› 🌱

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It all happened so quickly. Him and his wife shouting in French and pigeons flying everywhere. I am sure they were pigeons. Perhaps he could not afford doves. At least twenty of them in a wicker basket.

      God bless, Willie.

      Delete
    2. Just thinking..
      They may have been retired racing
      pigeons..! Getting into a 'flap'
      after being locked up in the wicker
      basket for so long! :).

      Delete
    3. I used to race pigeons but I never won. They flew straight to their destinations whereas I got caught in heavy traffic.

      God bless, Willie.

      Delete
  2. ...we once were given a card to open the door of our motel room only to find it occupied.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Double booking again ... why can't hotels be more careful?

      God bless, Tom.

      Delete
  3. Dearest Victor,
    Yep, such double bookings actually DO happen!
    Luckily we never had such a pigeon encounter...πŸ˜‰
    Hugs,
    Mariette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This was the first time I was double booked with pigeons, Mariette. I was once double booked with a giraffe:

      https://timeforreflections.blogspot.com/2018/11/there-was-giraffe-in-my-room.html

      God bless.

      Delete
  4. Must be aggravating to be part of a double booking. If that happens, it would be nice to get a free night stay to make up for the inconvenience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was particularly annoying because I got to my hotel late and very tired.

      God bless, Bill.

      Delete
  5. Since I grew up I have thought pajamas and nite shirts were a waste, but this quote i can remember BUT in reverse!:::
    It was so exhilarating that I could not sleep at all throughout the Conference.....
    Just sayin'.......... But now I guess I will order my next book. LOL
    From over here in the sun,
    Sherry & jack

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do hate it when at business conferences people talk for ages and say nothing. I had to attend to represent my organisation and I could not sleep throughout the various talks.

      Thank you so much for ordering my memoirs book. Please let me know what you think, Jack.

      God bless you and Sherry.

      Delete
  6. I enjoyed the encore laugh, Victor!
    Blessings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those pigeons were really in the entertainment business!

      God bless, Martha.

      Delete
  7. What Martha just said! Having worked 15 years at a resort hotel, I can attest (that) yes, double room assignments happen all the time; more than people would guess. Given the number of people who travel with 'personal protection' devices, that's actually terrifying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whenever in a hotel I always put a chair or something heavy behind the door when I'm in the room. My concern is leaving items in an unattended room - luggage, laptops and business documents. I cannot always take them with me wherever I go - conference, meetings etc ...

      God bless, Mevely.

      Delete
  8. Hahaha..when my girlfriends came from California to visit me in Colorado they wanted to see Boulder. So we booked a hotel. When we opened the door, we heard someone in the shower. The hotel manager acted at first, as if we broken the place. We were just 4 innocent girls. Your story is tops though, but once at a hotel in Salina , Kansas we were in a rental car (mini van) our son Nick traveled like a rock star to and from school, more clothes and shoes than most gals I know. ANyway we were going out to dinner and my husband jumped into this mini van after unlocking it with the electronic key device. I notice a bottle of water, it was not the brand we had. We looked at each other, jumped out and jumped in the right rental car. The weird part was that van turned over with our key! Go figure, technology! Slap my forehead!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's great seeing you here again Tata. Thanx.

      It's frightening how often modern technology can go wrong. Both hotel doors or even car doors.

      God bless.

      Delete
  9. I used to attend manager conferences, Boring!!! I never could sleep during those looong speeches either, Victor. It was an ordeal to drag oneself out of those meetings, because you were exhausted from the boredom. Very nice chuckle on a dreary Thursday. Thank you and God bless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A lot of what is said at Conferences could be summarised in a short paper for people to read at leisure in their own time. Conferences I attended were expensive and involved travel to the place they were held.

      I'm so glad you enjoyed this post, Nells. God bless.

      Delete
  10. sometimes it's best just to head home again, ya' know?!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Was the magician supposed to do a show for your conference? Anywa, i'm glad they gave you another room, you wouldn't be able to sleep with all that pigeon cooing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know whether he was booked for the conference or not. Luckily I never saw him again.

      God bless, Mimi.

      Delete
  12. That was very funny. Hotels do need to be more careful with bookings though, and not allow baskets of pigeons.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this story, River. Life can be so full of surprises ... especially in hotel rooms.

      God bless.

      Delete
  13. Something like that happened in Venice ten years ago: a friend of mine with his wife and another couple of tourists (from Germany) booked the same room in a hotel πŸ˜€

    You made me laugh! ... pigeons left deposits everywhere. Including on the man’s head πŸ•ŠπŸ•ŠπŸ•Š

    I enjyed the article :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ... A dear blogging friend, Willie from the UK, have just sent me the link of your blog.

      Delete
    2. Thank you so much for visiting me here, Giorgio. I am glad you liked this article. Please call again soon and often, and invite your friends.

      It's very kind of Willie to send you my link. I try to write humourous articles here mainly to amuse myself. I write them then laugh when I read them! I often write them slowly because I cannot read fast.

      God bless.

      Delete

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