Come on ... smile a little

 

I was alone at home with my mother-in-law. While she was in the kitchen cooking me breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her dead on the floor. In a panic, I had no idea what to do. Then I remembered. McDonald's do an all-day breakfast.

(OK folks ... I can hear you moan and say this is not funny. It's just a juxtaposition of the word breakfast. Give me a break. How about this next one ...)

A man left for work one Friday morning. Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend drinking with the boys and spending all his wages. 

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “how would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me,” he replied.

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result. 

By Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

(Aha ... this one made you smile ... admit it. OK let me try again ...)

A farmer lived alone in the countryside except for his pet dog that he had for a long time.

The dog finally died and the farmer went to the parish priest saying, "Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Frederick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the Church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denominational Church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

The farmer said, "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think £500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Frederick replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

(OK ... a Catholic joke. I often wonder when in church for Mass why they have two collections. Often a collection during Mass and another at the door as you leave. Once they had three in the same Mass. In our church you can donate weekly by Bank standing order. You tell the bank and they transfer the money in the church account. The church then tells the Inland Revenue how much you donated and the Inland Revenue refunds the church whatever tax you have paid on the donation.)

As the Titanic sank, people scrambled on boats and tried to save themselves. On one of the lifeboats, as it was sailing away, someone suggested they do something religious. So the priest took a collection.

A friend of mine asked our Parish priest, "Father, is it wrong for someone to take money for something he has done which he should not have done?"

Our priest relied, "Yes, certainly it seems so."

My friend then said, "Father, can I have the money back that I gave you when you married us three years ago?" 

(I can hear you think this was terrible. Marriage is wonderful after all, a blissful union between two people without ever a cross word blah blah blah ...

In all honesty, since we got married my wife and I have only had one argument on our honeymoon. Never another. I did not want to interrupt.

Here's a story about blissful married life ...)

A military establishment was testing the resolve and loyalty of its would-be James Bond 007 agents. 

There were three finalists:  two men and a woman.

They took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

They said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. Everything was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes.  "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

They said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.  

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, then screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. 

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said, "I had to kill him with the chair.”

(Come on ladies ... are you telling me you didn't smile? You're a tough crowd today!)

A man constructs a robot that is very human like with all the positive human attributes only better. He is super fast, super strong, intellectual, loyal intelligent, honest etc ... etc ... Basically a human only much better.

The scientists are impressed; but they want to know whether the robot is sentient. Does he know he is a machine, or is he a machine just like any other machine; like a car or a microwave oven?

So they ask him a question the answer to which would identify if he is sentient or not. They ask him, "What makes you different from a human?"

He replies, "I feel the desire to break wind but there's nothing there!"

Make of that what you will. Meanwhile, like Clark Gable, I'm Gone With The Wind.