A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
A guy I met told me he identifies as the brightest star in the night sky…I said- “Are you Sirius?”
What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails.
I got a brand-new Tesla for my partner. Pretty decent trade, if you ask me.
85%of British people don't know basic math. Thank God I'm from the other 25%.
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni. You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.
My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!". Always Tolkien in her sleep...
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
I used to be a shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had. Kept falling asleep trying to count them.
A man died after falling into a vat of coffee. His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I just discovered that the word "nothing" is a palindrome... Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They will never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know which came first.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?
After twenty-five years of marriage a man goes
to Court seeking a divorce because his wife keeps throwing things at him when
angry: plates, cups, saucers, whatever is at hand she throws.
The judge asks: What took you so long to decide on divorce?
He replied: Her aim is getting better!
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?