Tuesday 2 August 2022

Time for smiles

 


A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

A guy I met told me he identifies as the brightest star in the night sky…I said- “Are you Sirius?”

What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails.

I got a brand-new Tesla for my partner. Pretty decent trade, if you ask me.

85%of British people don't know basic math. Thank God I'm from the other 25%.

My wife laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni. You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

My partner keeps on having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Mordor!" and "Gandalf!". Always Tolkien in her sleep...

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I used to be a shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had. Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

A man died after falling into a vat of coffee. His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I just discovered that the word "nothing" is a palindrome... Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They will never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know which came first.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish?

After twenty-five years of marriage a man goes to Court seeking a divorce because his wife keeps throwing things at him when angry: plates, cups, saucers, whatever is at hand she throws.
The judge asks: What took you so long to decide on divorce?
He replied: Her aim is getting better!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

 


19 comments:

  1. Love the selfie up top Victor...! :O).

    Schooling in the 60's..

    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    My mother taught me RELIGION....
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL...
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    My father taught me LOGIC...
    " No. Because I said so, that's why ."

    My mother taught me MORE LOGIC...
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    My mother taught me FORESIGHT...
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    My father taught me IRONY...
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS...
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM...
    "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
    ♫♪•*¨*•.¸🔥💛🔥¸.•*¨*•♪♫ ♫♪•*¨*•.¸🔥💛🔥¸.•*¨*•♪♫







    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to laugh, Willie. Keep making us smile.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  2. Dearest Victor,
    That is a SUPER way to start the day 'early' that is!
    Indeed, we ARE able to read like that...
    Love the others, some are quite catchy.
    Hugs,
    Mariette

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is amazing that we can write one letter at a time, but we read a whole word.

      God bless you Mariette.

      Delete
  3. ...always make time to smile.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep ... I sure do. The other day in the pub a drunk punched me and said, "What you smiling at?"

      God bless, Tom.

      Delete
  4. Oh! Suddenly remembered...got this tucked away in a
    folder....

    THE SPELL CHEQUER....!

    I halve a spelling chequer,
    it came with my pea sea,
    it plainly marques four my revue,
    miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

    Eye strike a quay and type a word,
    and weight four it two say,
    weather eye am wrong oar write,
    it shows me strait a weigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid,
    it nose bee fore two long,
    and eye can put the error rite,
    it’s rare lea ever wrong.

    Eye have run this poem threw it,
    l am shore your pleased to no,
    it’s letter perfect awl the weigh,
    my chequer tolled me sew.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poetry in motion, Willie. Poetry ...

      God bless.

      Delete
    2. Wow! this was hard to read! I'm a 'word picture reader', not a 'sound reader' and not English to boot (and I don't know these terms in English either). Victor's 'academic gibberish' was pure holiday compared to this.

      Delete
    3. So glad to see you visiting here again, Charlotte. Thank you so much.

      God bless you.

      Delete
  5. We can always find a smile and a laugh on your blog. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try my best to cheer my readers when I can, Bill.

      God bless always my friend.

      Delete
  6. There's always a good time to smile! That last paragraph is amazing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smile and the world smiles with you. So they say ...

      The last paragraph shows how our brains work and we can make sense because we have memorised certain words in our head.

      God bless you, Mevely.

      Delete
  7. A great selection to make us smile and sometimes even laugh out loud! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so glad you enjoyed them, Happyone.

      God bless.

      Delete
  8. Her aim is getting better, very funny!

    ReplyDelete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.