How to get old

 

..

I went to visit my school teacher at a care home. He looked at me and said, "you're getting old!" I replied, "so are you!" In conversation we talked about old age, he said, "getting old is easy, just keep living!"

He then gave me some advice on how to get old. He said many people don't know how to get old. Here's what he said:

Learn not to care. What was important years ago is no longer that important today. Learn what is important enough to care about and don't waste time on trivia.

Try to enjoy what each day brings. Whatever your situation, your health, or your condition; there is always something to be thankful for. 

"Be adventurous," he said, "I wear my trousers pulled up all the way to the nipples and hold them up by braces and a wide belt pulled tightly round the chest. I'm told I'm a sex symbol for women who don't care."

Have fun when you can. There's nothing wrong with an extra scoop of ice cream, or a glass of wine. Life is for living not dieting. Have you ever known someone on a diet to be happy?

Indeed, as we get old our bodies respond accordingly. As best we can we should heed medical advice but not to be afraid to question if we are not sure of the advice given. 

As we get older, many people will offer advice, often unwarranted or asked for. Nod gently but you don't have to take the advice if unsure. 

Have fun ...

If like me, you're a Catholic, go to Confession and ask the priest, "Have you heard any good gossip lately?"

Put a stick of celery through someone's window and shout, "The Triffids have landed. The Triffids have landed!"

Or put a carrot on your shoulder and tell people you are a vegetarian pirate.

Or poor cream on your shoulder and tell them your parrot had diarrhoea.

How about you stick a cigarette in your ear and say you hear that smoking is bad for you. 

Or send the dog's urine instead of yours to the hospital for testing. That should confuse the doctors!

This old teacher of mine told me what he did at the care home. There's this nurse who drives him crazy with her patronising tone of voice: "How are we today? Are we ready for a bath? Are we hungry?" she would say.

To get back at her one morning he took some apple juice off the breakfast tray and hid it in his bedside stand. Later on that day he was asked by this same nurse to give a urine sample in a bottle. So he put the apple juice in the bottle instead. When she returned later to collect the bottle, the nurse looked at it and said: "My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today!" 

So he took the bottle from her hand and gulped it down saying: "Well, I'll run it through the system again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!" 

The nurse nearly fainted at what she'd seen.

Other advice to help you grow old in a fun way include:

Take a dog lead with you for a walk. Stop by a tree and ask passers-by to help you get your dog down from the tree.

Take an old newspaper to the library and tell the assistant you have read it, can you change it for a new one.

Put a suppository in your ear and ask people to help you search for your hearing-aid.

Go to the supermarket and ask to buy one of those dividers they have on the conveyor belt check-out to separate customers shopping.

Go to the baker and ask him, "Have you got any bread rolls left?" If he says Yes tell him, "serves you right for baking so many!"

So there you have it. A lot of advice on how to enjoy your old age. Do this and I'll visit you in the care home or mental establishment when you get there. 

Seriously though: be thankful whatever age you are and trust in God to see you through every day onto eternity.