It happened this way ...

 

I went to the optician to pick up my glasses I had ordered a week ago. The receptionist gave me the box with my name on it. As I left, I noticed that although the frames were what I ordered, the lens prescription was certainly wrong. When I put the glasses on everything looked gigantic. Much larger than in real life. Those glasses certainly made everything appear huge. They'd be useful to give to my wife some evening!

I went back to the optician and returned the glasses and got the right pair. By this time I was running a bit late. I went to the bank to do a quick transaction. There was a slow moving queue. By the time it was my turn the bank assistant's phone rang and she answered it. Then she burst out crying. She told me that her 96 years old grandmother who had been ill for some time had just died. I sympathised with her. She continued crying. I can't deal with crying women. What are you supposed to do? Lean over the counter and give her a hug? What if the security people thought I was attacking her? 

I was running late, as I mentioned. So I told her nicely, "I need to do this transaction quickly. Your Grand will still be dead in ten minutes. Can you do the transaction first and cry later?"

She cried some more and walked off. The manager came. He did not understand I was trying to be helpful. 

When I arrived at my office I found my secretary crying. That's two women crying on me in one day! Apparently her small dog had died. In order to be more sensitive I went out to the pet shop and bought her an identical dog. Now she has two dead dogs. She cried some more.

After work I went to the hairdresser. He said my hair was wearing thin and he gave me this concoction he had made himself using penguin poop. He said it will help my hair grow thick.

As I was showering I mistook the hairdresser's lotion for my bottle of liquid soap. Immediately, within seconds, my beard grew to double its size. But worse ... hair grew out of control all over my body. 

I had hair on the palms of my hands. All over my hands and arms in fact. Everywhere was growing hair. My underarms hair grew so fast you could have plaited them into ponytails and tied them with a ribbon. I had beards growing out of my knees. My arms had long strands of hairs running down just like a curtain or wings.

The more I cut the hair the longer it grew. The almost instantaneous growth was amazing. Just as well I did not rub the cream elsewhere on my body or else I'd have an unwanted beard in a place I would rather not!

My cat became suspicious of the overgrown hairy me and started hissing and arching his back as if to pounce. To calm him down I patted his neck gently.

I must have had a trace of cream on my hand because now although he is ginger he has a long black beard growing from the back of his head. Whenever I come near him he runs away in distrust.

I hid the cream and told my family not to touch it. It is bad enough having my mother-in-law with a moustache and beard without having my family looking like her.