Mascots

 

 A mascot is any human, animal, or object thought to bring luck, or anything used to represent a group with a common public identity, such as a school, sports team etc. Some sports teams for instance have someone dressed as a caricature like a lion, or other animal to represent the team, or its name.

I remember appearing on a pub quiz evening where we were allowed to bring in a mascot. Some people brought a small doll which was their lucky charm, others brought a photo of a dear friend or relative, someone brought his lucky red shirt and so on.

I took with me a memory mattress. It was difficult getting it in the pub because of its California King size. I needed two people to help me carry it from home to the pub a mile away. I took it with me because as a memory mattress it would remember all the facts and prompt me with all the answers to the questions. Unfortunately, instead of helping me, it remembered what goes on in the bedroom and started blackmailing me or tell all. I don't think memory mattresses are a good idea, do you? 

On one occasion I was a mascot. I worked at a garden centre selling all sorts of flowers and plants and gardening tools and implements. I was dressed as a tree and stood there at the entrance handing out leaflets to the customers as they came in. Then a dog peed on my leg thinking I was a real tree. Authentic or what?

On another occasion I was a mascot for a fried chicken outlet. They dressed me like a chicken that has just come out of the oven - no feathers and ready to serve on a plate. A big dog bit me whilst standing outside the restaurant.

Mascots are a good way to remember or associate to a product. What is your favourite mascot?

That's the way it was ...

Before I was born my parents had a dog named Victor. Then some time later, when I was born I was named Victor too - that's Victor too not Victor 2. 

Whenever my parents called me the dog would bark. So I learnt to do the same. My first words as a baby were "Woof Woof".

I got all the attention, of course. The dog got very jealous. So my parents had to make a very difficult decision. They put me out for adoption.

The dog got all morose and sad with me not being there. He used to like playing with me in the garden fetching the ball. So my parents tried to get me back for the sake of the dog. But the people who adopted me did not want to let me go. They loved me so much. So my parents bought them a dog and got me back.

Once back home we used to eat together, my dog and I. I preferred the dry pellets to tinned dog food; even though it said on the tin "improved taste." I wonder who tests the food to ensure it is improved taste?

I just loved the dog pellets instead. Apparently they have all the necessary nutrients and vitamins one needs, and are cheaper than baby food. I had them until I was in my early twenties; by then the dog had long departed. But I liked the taste and carried on with the dog pellets for energy and a lovely shiny coat. 

Then suddenly, one day, the food intake landed me in hospital. I stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me!

That's when I stopped eating dog food and changed my diet to cat food instead.

I think naming me after a dog has affected my life. People should be careful when naming a dog. 

I once named a dog of mine Shark. It was a bad idea when he ran off his lead on the beach.

An old neighbour I once knew must have had a dog. He named him "Help!" I think.

I remember him shouting in his back garden "Help! Help!" Eventually, he must have found him because he stopped calling. The next morning, whilst I was out buying a newspaper, I saw an ambulance outside the old man's house. I wondered why the ambulance was there but never found out.

So think carefully before naming your pet. We once had a dog called Sugar. It dissolved a little every time we washed him.

What is your pet called?

Lost in time

Every period in our past has been given a name to distinguish it in history from the rest of time.

We've had the Dark Ages, the Middle Ages, the Industrial Revolution, the First and Second World Wars, the Sixties, the Yuppies Generation and so on.

I wonder what they will call this generation in years to come?

The Enlightened Generation when people saw things differently and tried to solve their worldly problems.

Or the Stupid Generation when they visualised imagined problems and lost focus on what really matters?

Or the Entitled Generation when people believed they were owed everything as of right instead of working hard and striving for it?

Or is it the Divided Generation when people disagreed between the haves and the have-nots, the old and the young, the countries they are in, their race, religion, background and so on; divided in every respect with no prospect of common ground?

Or is this the Unbelieving Generation, the Secular One, the Generation which has asked God to step aside because we can do it better and we don't need His help or interference?

What will future generations say about us today?

I don't know how to love Him.

 

Do Not Disturb

 

I got locked into my own hotel room the other day. I had to ring reception to let me out.

I had inadvertently put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the inside of the door in my room; and in the morning I could not get out and disobey the notice.

I wonder ... how many of us Christians go through life with a "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging round our neck? We'd like to help one another of course, and love each other as Christ commanded, but not now ... we're too busy. There's the shopping to do, take the kids to school, go to work, mow the lawn and this and that. We just don't have the time to stop and help. We want to, but not just now!

Remember the parable of the Good Samaritan? Read it in Luke 10:25. The two first people, the priest and the Levite, were wearing "Do Not Disturb" signs when they came across the man attacked by thieves and left for dead. Chances are they were good people, we're not told, but they did not want to be involved just now.

Think about the last time you met someone needing help whilst you were wearing the sign round your neck. Was it in church ironically when you avoided that woman who always complains about her aches and pains and how life is difficult? Or at the supermarket when the shopper in front of you took ages to pay for her goods at the check-out? Or in the car park perhaps when you sneaked into the parking place before another car got there? Or at work when you were too busy to help a colleague confused about something or other?

OK ... let's look at it another way. How many Christians are there in the world right now? Millions? Billions even? 

What if each one of these Christians did a good turn, a bit of kindness not asked for, once a week for someone else? Not every day ... just once a week. How many acts of kindness would that be? You do the maths!

What was it Morgan Freeman, (God), said in the film Evan Almighty? "One act of random kindness at a time!" 

Let all Christians take off their "Do Not Disturb" signs right now and get started.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?

One-Liners

My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction. I don’t know where she’s coming from.

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Not many people know that almost all garden gnomes have red hats.

It’s a little gnome fact.

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I just bought a gallon of correction fluid. Big mistake.

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My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry. Finally, I threw in the towel.

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Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, so she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

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My massage therapist got fired. I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

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What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature?

Tequila Mockingbird.

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Two books meet in a library. The first book says “You don’t look too well.” The other book replies “Just had my appendix removed.”

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A shop assistant tried stopping a robber by attacking him with a labelling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

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My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN SOMETHING?

A (fun?) day out

 

So ... we went on the beach. I hate the beach. There is sand there; and it gets everywhere. Why do they have sand on the beach? Why can't they sweep it away and keep the beach tidy for visitors?

They decided to go in the water. I hate the water on the beach. It is salty and can affect your skin; so I am told. I decided to take my shoes and socks off and go in the water dressed just as I am. They told me I would stand out in the crowd and draw attention to myself. Something which I hate to do, being of the shy variety! Everyone would look at me and I would not blend with the rest of the people there sunning themselves in their various swimming costumes.

They suggested I wear swimming shorts. No one would notice me and I would be one of the crowd. I did not have any swimming type clothing with me. A friend let me borrow hers.

At least I kept my hat on!

Is it OK to keep your hat on when on the beach?

There I was ...

 

There I was reading my newspaper in a hot bath and the first thing that came to mind ... actually ... the second thing that came to mind was; why do newspapers always mention important people like celebrities, politicians, sports personalities and so on? 

Why don't they ever mention ordinary people like Marjorie Fordiscue, or Theobold Ivor Pimple? 

For those who don't know, Theobold Ivor Pimple invented that bit of hard plastic you have at either end of a shoelace to make it easier to thread through the holes in your shoes or boots. I bet you never heard of him. Originally, the bits were made of metal and in time they made them of cheap plastic. He worked at a shoe factory and invented the hard bits at the end of shoelaces - an unsung hero of modern day society much enthralled with Velcro fastenings and slip-on shoe.

Ivor Pimple is not to be confused with Walter Spigot who invented those little metal rings you put in the holes in shoes and boots to make sure the holes in the leather don't tear up and makes it easier to lace the shoelaces. Walter is another unsung hero of his days, whenever his days were.

As I sat there in my hot bath I thought of all the other people throughout history who have left their mark on this world and have been virtually forgotten.

Like the man who invented the woo-pie-cushion for instance. What hilarity he brought to the world over the years, especially on solemn occasions like when you're in Court for speeding, by placing those harmless plastic bags unobtrusively on seats. Yet I doubt anyone knows his name.

Or the man who invented the spoon-rest and gave us all yet another item to wash when we have finished cooking in the kitchen.

My mind then turned to Marjorie Fordiscue as mentioned previously. So, why did she come to mind in this totally unconnected train of thought?

Years ago, when I lived in London, my apartment at the back overlooked her bathroom. One day, as I  looked out of the window there she was in her bath!

What could I do? Wave at her and say "Hello" like a good neighbour should, or ignore her and pretend I did not see her?

What would you have done?

Eccentric? Moi?

 

In the kitchen we have a large wardrobe, (cupboard), containing mostly pots and pans and other kitchen utensils. A few weeks ago, when everyone was out of the house, I made a big hole in the back of the wardrobe and another in the wall so that I could go into the wardrobe and out into our garden. I put all the pots and pans back in the wardrobe/cupboard and concealed the large hole to the outside. It was like the wardrobe in the book by C S Lewis, "The witch, the lion and the wardrobe". Once you enter the wardrobe you could go into my own garden Narnia.

When the family got home, they complained that it was a bit draughty in the kitchen. There was a distinct wind coming from outside which rattled the cupboard's doors.

My wife ... oh, I never told you did I? My wife and I met on the net. We were both bad trapeze artists. But that's another story.

Anyway, as I was saying before I interrupted my train of thoughts. We used to train for ages high up on the trapeze jumping from one swing to another. We often missed each other because she arrived ten minutes late.

My wife discovered the hole at the back of the wardrobe and let's say she has no sense of humour whatsoever. 

I explained that by going through the wardrobe she would travel out into a new Narnia world in the garden; walking through sunshine, or mist or rain or whatever the weather outside might be. 

Her reply will not be posted here to protect readers with a nervous disposition.

She didn't like my next adventure either. I installed at the very end of our garden a chocolate dispensing machine. I bought the machine from a shop that was closing down and they had it on the side-walk outside. I got it home and installed it just by the pond at the end of the garden and filled it with all kinds of chocolates.

 I explained that it gives my walk in my private Narnia a real purpose. What is the point of going out in the garden in all weathers for no reason at all? Now I can enter the wardrobe, go through the hole at the back, and walk gently all the way to the pond and reward myself with a bar of chocolate from the machine. What's wrong with that?

I intend to invite friends and relatives and conduct tours of our garden through the wardrobe. They would all file into the kitchen and one by one enter the wardrobe and walk all the way to the chocolate machine. What fun that would be! I may even have little scenes from Roald Dahl's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" re-enacted in various places in the garden.

Sadly, my wife has brought in reinforcement in the shape of her mother. She landed on her broom early this morning.

I suggested we also give broom-flying lessons or play quidditch like in the Harry Potter films.

Do you think I'm eccentric?

The missing money

Three friends went to a restaurant and drew up a bill of £75-00.

Each contributed £25-00 towards this and the waiter took the bill to the cashier.

The cashier corrected a mistake and decided to give them a discount, and asked the waiter to return £5-00.

The dishonest waiter kept £2 in his pocket and gave £1-00 to each one of the three persons.

That brings us to the mystery.

Initially each one had contributed £25-00. And each received £1-00 back making their contribution £24-00.

Thus, all contributed £ 24-00 — that is £24 × 3 = £72-00 

£72-00 and the £2 in the waiter’s pocket makes a total of £74-00. But they had paid £75-00.

Where is the missing £1-00?

Forgiveness

 

Hickory Dickory Cuckoo Clock

The old clock that belonged to my mother-in-law accidentally fell off the mantel piece and broke. I got the blame ...

... so in order to make amends I went out and bought a lovely (cheap) cuckoo clock made of plastic. 

I convinced my wife that it was a great replacement to that old antique which did not keep time anyway. 

For a while, we enjoyed the new clock with the cuckoo coming out through the doors every hour and singing his heart out. But I tell you folks, the novelty soon wears out and at times I'd wished the damn bird had laryngitis and stayed in bed for a while rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his chest.

My wife particularly did not like it when the bird came out every hour throughout the night. I'll admit she had a point. Birds don't sing through the night unless they want me to throw an old clock at them.

I read the instructions manual and there was nothing there about how to stop the cuckoo singing at night. So I took some Sellotape and taped round the two doors that open up to let the little birdie out. I taped it so tight that the doors would not open at all.

That did not work! Throughout the night every hour we heard, "Cuck ...Ooh! Cuck ... Ooh! That hurts!" as the little birdie attempted to get out and hit his face against the doors which were shut tight.

The next morning I took the sticky tape off the doors to see what happened; and there was the cuckoo bird with his face all bruised black and blue, threatening to report me to the Birds Protection Society for cruelty and imprisonment!   

I got the blame once again for trying to be helpful.

It happened this way ...

 

I went to the optician to pick up my glasses I had ordered a week ago. The receptionist gave me the box with my name on it. As I left, I noticed that although the frames were what I ordered, the lens prescription was certainly wrong. When I put the glasses on everything looked gigantic. Much larger than in real life. Those glasses certainly made everything appear huge. They'd be useful to give to my wife some evening!

I went back to the optician and returned the glasses and got the right pair. By this time I was running a bit late. I went to the bank to do a quick transaction. There was a slow moving queue. By the time it was my turn the bank assistant's phone rang and she answered it. Then she burst out crying. She told me that her 96 years old grandmother who had been ill for some time had just died. I sympathised with her. She continued crying. I can't deal with crying women. What are you supposed to do? Lean over the counter and give her a hug? What if the security people thought I was attacking her? 

I was running late, as I mentioned. So I told her nicely, "I need to do this transaction quickly. Your Grand will still be dead in ten minutes. Can you do the transaction first and cry later?"

She cried some more and walked off. The manager came. He did not understand I was trying to be helpful. 

When I arrived at my office I found my secretary crying. That's two women crying on me in one day! Apparently her small dog had died. In order to be more sensitive I went out to the pet shop and bought her an identical dog. Now she has two dead dogs. She cried some more.

After work I went to the hairdresser. He said my hair was wearing thin and he gave me this concoction he had made himself using penguin poop. He said it will help my hair grow thick.

As I was showering I mistook the hairdresser's lotion for my bottle of liquid soap. Immediately, within seconds, my beard grew to double its size. But worse ... hair grew out of control all over my body. 

I had hair on the palms of my hands. All over my hands and arms in fact. Everywhere was growing hair. My underarms hair grew so fast you could have plaited them into ponytails and tied them with a ribbon. I had beards growing out of my knees. My arms had long strands of hairs running down just like a curtain or wings.

The more I cut the hair the longer it grew. The almost instantaneous growth was amazing. Just as well I did not rub the cream elsewhere on my body or else I'd have an unwanted beard in a place I would rather not!

My cat became suspicious of the overgrown hairy me and started hissing and arching his back as if to pounce. To calm him down I patted his neck gently.

I must have had a trace of cream on my hand because now although he is ginger he has a long black beard growing from the back of his head. Whenever I come near him he runs away in distrust.

I hid the cream and told my family not to touch it. It is bad enough having my mother-in-law with a moustache and beard without having my family looking like her.

How Time was invented

 

Have you ever wondered how we first learnt to measure time?

Here's a quick lesson you'll never forget.

Many years ago at the time of the Romans there was an Italian called Role. He was the tenth son of a tenth generation of men called Role - in fact he was known as Role the Tenth. Which in Roman times was written Role X.

Anyway Role X, and everyone else for that matter, noticed that it was sometimes daylight and sometimes night. "But how do we measure such a recurring occurrence to see how long is daytime compared to night time." thought Role X.

So he asked the opinion of his friend Galileo who at the time was looking up at the sky and wondering why the sun was always in different locations.

After a short discussion with Galileo, Role X planted a big candle which he had borrowed from his local church right in the middle of his garden. (The candle was in the middle of the garden - not the church. Just pay attention).

He measured the candle carefully. He waited until the sun was right above the candle, (i.e. no shadow), and he lit the large candle and left it lit until the following day when the candle had no shadow again. He then blew the candle out and measured the bit that was left. From this he deduced how much candle had burnt over the period it was lit.

He then got another candle with exactly the same dimensions and marked with his pen 24 equal segments from top to bottom. That's the candle's bottom not his bottom! Are you really paying attention?

He called each segment "hours". He quite rightly thought that if he lit the new candle at the same time as the previous day, (i.e. no shadow), he will call that MIDDAY and then every segment as it burnt down would be an HOUR, until the following day when there will be no more segments on the candle; and when there was no shadow (i.e. MIDDAY again).

Are you still paying attention? Good.

Role X decided he'd call the 24 segments one DAY.

He lit the candle and waited. But the experiment did not work because it was windy that night and the candle blew out.

He prepared a third candle which this time he kept indoors. That did not work either because the sun did not cast a shadow indoors.

So in total desperation, Role X bought himself a watch and solved all his problems about time.

Well ... I did promise you a quick lesson you'll never forget. Go buy yourself a watch and forget about lighting candles in the wind.

Dietician Ahoy!

 

I went to see my dietician today. The poor woman was starving. I took her a hamburger bun, some French fries and a chocolate milkshake which she devoured in an instant. She was still hungry so I found an old KFC leg in my trouser pocket which I gave her also.

She was half-way through a wrestling match with her husband which she partakes as exercise to lose weight. She sat on his submission and then brought out my file to read.

She said I could lose a little weight; so I took my coat off and she weighed me again. She was satisfied with my quick progress.

She then asked me what I eat. I said I have at least 5 fruits and vegetables a day. She warmed me about fruit because it contains sugar. "All fruit contains sugar!" she said. What a discovery. I went through life not knowing that. She advised me not to eat too much fruit.

Or potatoes, or pasta, or rice. "Carbohydrates!" she said. I nodded knowingly.

"Beware of too much protein!" she warned. So most meats are also to be avoided if possible.

"Do you take exercise?" she asked, "like wrestling?" I looked at her poor husband and said, "No!"

"You need to do something everyday that will keep you slightly out of breath!" she advised. I thought at what that could be and asked her, "Can I take up smoking?" She banned that also.

She also told me to stop drinking alcohol; it 's bad for us and it turns to sugar apparently.

And also chocolates, sweets, cakes, cookies, biscuits and candy. All contain sugar it seems.

I was running out of options as to what to eat and drink. 

"Do you eat enough fibre?" she asked. "Yes," I replied, "I eat bits of worn out carpets and old knitted garments!" She wrote that down.

"How about something more solid?" she asked. "Sometimes, I chew on a table leg," I said. She wrote that down also.

Then she asked me a very personal question, "Do you have trouble passing water?" 

"Yes, sometimes I get dizzy walking on a bridge across a river!" I explained. 

She followed with a more personal question, "How's your libido?"

"I sold that Italian car, I now have a Toyota!" I replied. 

When I got home, I thought about it and asked my wife what libido means. She would not tell me.

What if ...

 

What if God said to you, "I know your failings, your inadequacies,  your shortcomings, and your weaknesses, but I still want you to do something for me!"

What would you say?

What if He then said to you, "You know there is someone in your life you are not at peace with. Someone you have fallen off with. I want you to contact this person and try to make peace, to reconcile your differences before it is too late. I will make sure that person is receptive."

What would you do?

Because in reality, I guess we all have had an argument with someone which at the time seemed very important; more important than the whole world itself. But now, with the passage of time, is it really that important? Is it fundamental an issue that separates us apart?

Or is it a matter that can be resolved and influence our eternity? 

Why did Jesus have to die?

Why did Jesus have to die in order for our sins to be forgiven?

I have attempted an answer HERE.
 

Have you brought anyone to Jesus?

 

He first found his brother Simon and told him, “We have found the Messiah” (which is translated as Christ). Andrew brought him to Jesus, who looked at him and said, “You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas” (which is translated as Peter). John 1:42

Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?” John 6:8

Now there were some Greeks among those who went up to worship at the festival. They came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, (same town as Andrew and Peter), with a request. “Sir,” they said, “we would like to see Jesus.”  Philip went to tell Andrew; Andrew and Philip in turn told Jesus. John 12:20

These are three instances recorded where Andrew brings people to Jesus. Look at the results:

Peter became the most important and influential of the disciples, having started the Church of Christ on earth.

As a result of finding the boy with loaves and fishes, Jesus fed the 5,000 and no doubt many came to believe and follow Christ.

Philip came to Andrew for advice and Andrew approached Jesus regarding the Greeks wanting to meet Jesus. Philip also in turn introduced Nathaniel to Jesus.

In those three passages we see Andrew as the one introducing people to Jesus. There are other instances of people bringing people to Christ. John the Baptist for instance started as a voice crying in the wilderness proclaiming the arrival of the Messiah.

But how about you? Have you introduced anyone to Jesus? What an honour if you have.

Knowingly, or unknowingly perhaps, you may have been instrumental in bringing someone to Jesus. If you write a Blog for instance, you never know who visits you without leaving a comment, and something you say there about what Jesus has done to you in your life may well be the trigger, the starting point, for someone to start searching more and experiencing God's love in their lives.

We all have a responsibility to spread the Good News wherever we can. We don't have to be pastors, preachers, or learned in religion to do so. Just by being ourselves, and saying plainly what and why we believe is a first step to a life-changing decision for someone else into eternity.

When things go wrong

 

It's hot in this heat

 

It has been very hot in the UK lately as I am sure it is elsewhere. Some days it was over 40 Degrees C in the shade. I was clever though and did not stay in the shade.

The weather forecast woman on TV said it's been the hottest day "since records began".

This set me thinking ... when did records begin?

Apparently a long long time ago a man wrote down on a piece of paper, "Phew ... it's hot today. Records have begun."

The next day, he wrote on another piece of paper "Wowie and double phew ... it's been even hotter today. It's been the hottest day since records began yesterday."

This went on for some time with the man writing every day how hot, cool or cold it was.

Then, years later, another man called Thermo, invented the thermometer and proper records really began. 

Anyway, as I was saying, it was so hot today that the birds were using a jackhammer to dig worms from the ground. 

The chickens in our back yard were laying fried eggs this morning.

I decided to go to the beach to cool off. The fish in the sea were already parboiled. 

On the way there I noticed a couple of parched trees fighting over a dog.

Have you noticed that when wearing a bikini, women reveal 94% of their body? I was too polite and only looked at the covered parts.

Which raises another point: Is it OK for Christian women to wear bikinis? Or any swimsuits? How about men in tiny shorts and swimming trunks? What is the acceptable attire on the beach for a Christian? (I wear a three-piece pin-striped suit and a bowler hat).

How about nudist beaches? Can a Christian be a naturist? (I shower at home fully clothed).

How are you coping in the hot weather where you are?

Unhappy Feet

 

The most frightening thing happened to me the other day. I was lying on my bed when suddenly one of my feet started to talk.

At first, I was afraid ... I was petrified ... Then they both started singing "I will survive."

Then my left foot said, "It is all right you lying there doing nothing and we do all the work for you. 

"From the moment you get up in the morning we have to carry your heavy weight. Going up and down the stairs, walking down the street, or running for the bus. Even when you are driving the car, it is us who have to push on all the pedals whilst you sit there doing nothing."

I could not believe my ears. 

Then the right foot continued, "We spend all day in the dark not knowing what is happening out there. Held captive in your tight shoes until it hurts, and having to smell your smelly socks."

I didn't know what to say. I'd never thought that my feet felt so neglected and taken for granted. I wonder what other parts of my body I have been ignoring in a life time and not caring for them as much as I should.

Have you ever wondered about your body parts? Are you taking care of each one of them so they work in harmony with one another?

Which body parts do you think should talk to you, and what would they say?

THANK YOU FOR RECOMMENDING THIS BLOG

 

To sleep, perchance to dream

WIKIPEDIA

 

Do you ever dream that you are high up somewhere and about to fall? It happens to me sometimes, especially after a few drinks before bedtime.

I have now found a remedy. I have fitted an old seat belt from a car to the bed and I tie myself in before going to sleep. The problem is when I get up in a hurry to go to the bathroom. I can never find the confounded release clip of the belt in time. I once rushed to the bathroom carrying the whole mattress and my wife with me.

Do you have your pet in bed with you? Some people says it relaxes them. I tried it once. I had my pet with me in bed and in the morning the bed was soaking wet and my goldfish had died.

I normally sleep with my glasses on so that I can see my dreams much clearer. How about you? Are your dreams in colour or black and white? Mine are techni-colour with stereo sound-surround.

The other day my wife hit me because of the way I behaved in her dream. I don't think that's fair, do you? She interrupted my exotic dream with ...

I used to count sheep when I could not sleep. Now I lay awake wondering about the price of lamb in the shops. Why is it so expensive?

I never know what time I go to sleep. I lay there in bed thinking and then suddenly I am asleep. Do you know precisely when you actually fall asleep?

And then you wake up. Usually you wake up in a different mood each day. Sometimes in the morning I wake up grumpy. At other times I leave her sleeping and get down and make breakfast.

I often bring her a cup of tea in the morning in my pyjamas. She's never grateful. She prefers it in a cup.

Some people like to sleep in their pyjamas. Others in their night-dress whilst others sleep in the nude; which can be hilarious if you wake up and see yourself in the mirror.

In England some people sleep naked but with their hat on. Just in case they meet someone in their dreams and they can take the hat off by way of salutation.

How about you? Do you sleep with your hat on?

One day some Angels were looking out of the window in Heaven and counting, "One ... two ... three, four ... five ... six ..."

Jesus came by and asked them, "What are you doing?"

They said, "We are counting how many people thank God as soon as they wake up for seeing them safely through the night!"

How to get old

 

..

I went to visit my school teacher at a care home. He looked at me and said, "you're getting old!" I replied, "so are you!" In conversation we talked about old age, he said, "getting old is easy, just keep living!"

He then gave me some advice on how to get old. He said many people don't know how to get old. Here's what he said:

Learn not to care. What was important years ago is no longer that important today. Learn what is important enough to care about and don't waste time on trivia.

Try to enjoy what each day brings. Whatever your situation, your health, or your condition; there is always something to be thankful for. 

"Be adventurous," he said, "I wear my trousers pulled up all the way to the nipples and hold them up by braces and a wide belt pulled tightly round the chest. I'm told I'm a sex symbol for women who don't care."

Have fun when you can. There's nothing wrong with an extra scoop of ice cream, or a glass of wine. Life is for living not dieting. Have you ever known someone on a diet to be happy?

Indeed, as we get old our bodies respond accordingly. As best we can we should heed medical advice but not to be afraid to question if we are not sure of the advice given. 

As we get older, many people will offer advice, often unwarranted or asked for. Nod gently but you don't have to take the advice if unsure. 

Have fun ...

If like me, you're a Catholic, go to Confession and ask the priest, "Have you heard any good gossip lately?"

Put a stick of celery through someone's window and shout, "The Triffids have landed. The Triffids have landed!"

Or put a carrot on your shoulder and tell people you are a vegetarian pirate.

Or poor cream on your shoulder and tell them your parrot had diarrhoea.

How about you stick a cigarette in your ear and say you hear that smoking is bad for you. 

Or send the dog's urine instead of yours to the hospital for testing. That should confuse the doctors!

This old teacher of mine told me what he did at the care home. There's this nurse who drives him crazy with her patronising tone of voice: "How are we today? Are we ready for a bath? Are we hungry?" she would say.

To get back at her one morning he took some apple juice off the breakfast tray and hid it in his bedside stand. Later on that day he was asked by this same nurse to give a urine sample in a bottle. So he put the apple juice in the bottle instead. When she returned later to collect the bottle, the nurse looked at it and said: "My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today!" 

So he took the bottle from her hand and gulped it down saying: "Well, I'll run it through the system again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!" 

The nurse nearly fainted at what she'd seen.

Other advice to help you grow old in a fun way include:

Take a dog lead with you for a walk. Stop by a tree and ask passers-by to help you get your dog down from the tree.

Take an old newspaper to the library and tell the assistant you have read it, can you change it for a new one.

Put a suppository in your ear and ask people to help you search for your hearing-aid.

Go to the supermarket and ask to buy one of those dividers they have on the conveyor belt check-out to separate customers shopping.

Go to the baker and ask him, "Have you got any bread rolls left?" If he says Yes tell him, "serves you right for baking so many!"

So there you have it. A lot of advice on how to enjoy your old age. Do this and I'll visit you in the care home or mental establishment when you get there. 

Seriously though: be thankful whatever age you are and trust in God to see you through every day onto eternity.

Are you good?

 

Look folks, this is a difficult question and I'd appreciate your considered views and opinions.

Are you good? Meaning, do you do good things, and live a good life, and do you consider yourself  a good person?

There are many Christians who are good and do good things; so what does God think of them?

I have known non-believers who are good and do good things. I knew a man who did not believe in God, but he was the kindest, gentlest, more generous and forgiving person you'd wish to meet. He is long gone now. Is he in Heaven? I would not like to say. It is not up to me or you who is in Heaven. 

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. (John 14:6)

I don't really know what this means. Perhaps you have your views and opinions.

I don't think it matters to God whether you are good or bad. I think it is more a question of: Do you reflect Christ in your life?

Are you Christ to someone every day of your life?

Christ cared for and loved the people He met and treated each one as an individual with respect, compassion, pity, mercy and forgiveness, as well as generosity in responding to their needs.

Are you Christ-like in your dealings with others?

Tall Tale of Romance

 

A ROMANTIC TALE OF UNREQUITED LOVE

She looked into his eyes lovingly and whispered, "sweep me off my feet, Walter, pick me up and lift me, take me upstairs!"

"All 150 steps?" said the lighthouse keeper.

When he eventually reached the top of the spiral staircase, he lowered her down to the floor and sat on a chair wheezing and coughing out of breath. 

As he recovered, she kissed him and said, "turn the lights out and hug me tonight!"

"But how about the ships?" said the lighthouse keeper, "they rely on the lights!"

She got angry with him and said, "Walter, our love is on the rocks!"

"That's inevitable," said the lighthouse keeper, "considering where we are."

And the moral of the story is:

DO NOT DATE A LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER

Please write your other suggestions in the comments box below.

Advice Required

 

I need some advice from my readers, especially Tom and Bill.

Whilst on a river cruise holiday last year a man fell overboard. Should I have used my cell-phone camera to take a photo, or my Fujifilm Finepix camera which I had with me at the time?

4 July

 

HAPPY 4th OF JULY

GOD BLESS

Doubting Thomas

 

I guess you all know the story. After the Resurrection, Jesus appeared to the Disciples whilst Thomas was not there. When he was told what happened, Thomas did not believe. A week later, whilst Thomas was there, Jesus appeared again.

You can read the whole story in John 20:19-31

Now let's consider this:

Jesus knows everything. He knew that the first time Thomas would not be there. But He chose to appear to the disciples all the same. He could have appeared at a time where Thomas and all the others were together; but He didn't.

This way we have the story of Thomas and his doubts. A story which has been recorded by John in the Gospel and another piece of evidence that Jesus did indeed rise from the dead.

Unwittingly, Thomas gave us all more evidence about the Resurrection.

We all doubt from time to time, we analyse and ask ourselves about our faith and what we truly believe.

God knows our human nature because He created us, and He forgives our doubts time and again.

There once was a man whose son was very ill, and he came to Jesus for help, ‘Help us if you can,’ he asked Jesus. Jesus replied, ‘Everything is possible if you have Faith,’ to which the man said ‘I do have Faith, but not enough, help me to have more.’

Jesus healed this man’s son. He saw that the man was struggling with his Faith, as we all do from time to time. So He helped him.

I believe Lord, help my unbelief.  Mark 9:24

Peril in the water!

 

I saw this program on TV where they rescued about a dozen or so penguins, some of them babies, which had been caught in an oil slick. Probably oil poured in the sea by a passing tanker.

The poor creatures were covered with oil and would soon perish if not cleaned properly. It was a long and pains-taking job removing the sticky oil from their feathers and ensuring they do not digest it or it goes in their eyes. A team of helpers and vets got together and worked urgently round the clock to clean the birds before it was too late.

They then dried them carefully and put them in isolated cages where they fed them and monitored their progress 24/7. It took at least three or four weeks until they were sure the birds had recovered and there was no ill-effect as a result of their ordeal.

It was time to return them to their natural habitat. One evening, just before sunset at about five o'clock, they put them in a boat which set out to sea where they would be released. 

The boat stopped, and one by one the dozen penguins were lowered into the water. At first they floated together not daring to wander away. 

When the boat slowly moved off a shoal of sharks appeared and ate every last penguin!

MARK THIS STORY ON YOUR HUMOUR COUNTER

1 TO 5

1 = NOT FUNNY

5 = HILARIOUS

Growing old in England

 

Growing Old in England

Someone asked the other day, ‘What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?’

‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’ I informed him. ‘All the food was slow.’

‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’

‘It was a place called “at home,”‘ I explained. ‘Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’

He laughed at me. I explained that I had to have permission to leave the table.  But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood:

• Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, or had a credit card.
• Pizzas were not delivered to our home … But milk was.
• All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers.
• We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 19. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem.
• My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds and only had one speed, (slow).
• I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.
• Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.
• Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies.
• There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity, violence, or anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.  

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?